Sunday is the only truly lazy day we have around here. Sunday is also the only day of week that my husband has off from work.
Saturday night is spent doing something together and as a family. Usually playing some pool, drinking some beers (sodas for the kids who aren't old enough to drink) and generally having a good time. The kids have their friends over and they go to their rooms and forts and entertain themselves.
Sunday morning, everybody wants to just sleep, and sleep, and sleep. Usually around 11-11:30 they'll start wandering up, looking for food and drink. That's because the smell of bacon has permeated their dreams and dragged them, sleepwalking to the kitchen.
In the kitchen they find bacon; Smithfield bacon that is the best bacon I've ever had. It is thick cut, very meaty and not too salty. As well, they find pancakes or biscuits, fruit of the season and eggs. We all sit down and feast on a huge brunch, go outside, weather permitting, and do some personal chores or projects.
We spend a casual day taking care of laundry matters for the upcoming week and perhaps throwing a game of horseshoes or two. If there is a race on, you better believe that every tv and radio in the house has it on so that no matter where we are, or what we're doing, we can keep track of the action. (Way to go Reed Sorenson last night, by the way).
This is the stuff dreams are made of. It is time to start cooking the alarm clock however. I hope everyone else has as enjoyable a Sunday as we do!
Sunday, July 31, 2005
Saturday, July 30, 2005
Walking With God
I am not a religious person. I don't have a church and I haven't had very much formal training in religion. I might have mentioned this before.
I am however, a very deeply spiritual person. I have always walked with God in my heart, but sometimes I didn't know how to interpret the instructions.
As a result of my lack of formal training, I have learned to see God in all religions. I have queried people as to their beliefs and how they came to be and listened. Not all spiritual training can you get from a book or THE book. You have to look for the trends, the parallels, understand the history of the times. You also have to put into practice some of the lessons that are taught before you can really, really understand them.
Anyway, the older I get, the more I realize I don't have to understand the instructions in order to follow them and when I blindly follow the voice of God then I actually get the next few steps illuminated for me.
I'm going to give an example that perhaps you will all get to see come to fruition. It wasn't long ago that I felt this very strong, very strong calling to start writing and immortalize certain things in written form. I didn't understand this calling at all. I have never before considered myself a writer although it has been a common theme in my life.
So, I am blindly blogging along and before I went on vacation, I was feeling a little frustrated with the process, wondering what it was I was supposed to be writing, why am I called to do this when I really don't have the talent or the imagination to write fiction right now...wondering what I am going to have to do to develop that talent, etc. etc. etc. Yet, still I am doing it because I know beyond that shadow of a doubt that there is a reason and purpose for it. It's tangible almost.
So, while we were at home visiting, I put it all out of my mind. I didn't mention it to anyone..I just prayed and forgot about it. The night before we were to leave, I was sitting with my mother in law and she was reminiscing about the different antiques she has and family members they belonged to and just casually said that her daughter told her that she should write all the stories down..why she has the stuff, and where it came from, who it came from, why it means so much to her, etc. The family story. Her tone of voice was so poignant and so sorrowful, that I could hear my calling resonate within her voice. And I knew. And I know. Does this make sense to anyone besides me? As soon as I start fulfilling that, then I know the next step will be revealed and I will be looking back reading this later and feel like I should have seen it all along.
So, as near as I can come to defining God at this point in my life is......love. If you are motivated by love, then you will always be shown the path. It only gets hard when you start to do things for other motivations. When I started thinking about writing for money...I did not have the words anymore. When I am thinking of writing because a particular subject sparks me to share a personal experience out of love for my fellow man, then I can't type fast enough.
Another example that I can think of is disciplining children. Whenever I discipline my children with love for them and their well being in the front of my mind....instead of what their actions have done to me....then I am able to be much more effective in my discipline methods and have greater success. The right way to handle the situation becomes clearer, faster, whenever I am filtering my thought process through love for them.
One last example of something that happens when you are walking with God is serenity. Peace. Knowledge that you'll have the strength to deal with anything. Having the strength to deal with anything. Knowing that death is not the end of the journey, but only the beginning.
I am however, a very deeply spiritual person. I have always walked with God in my heart, but sometimes I didn't know how to interpret the instructions.
As a result of my lack of formal training, I have learned to see God in all religions. I have queried people as to their beliefs and how they came to be and listened. Not all spiritual training can you get from a book or THE book. You have to look for the trends, the parallels, understand the history of the times. You also have to put into practice some of the lessons that are taught before you can really, really understand them.
Anyway, the older I get, the more I realize I don't have to understand the instructions in order to follow them and when I blindly follow the voice of God then I actually get the next few steps illuminated for me.
I'm going to give an example that perhaps you will all get to see come to fruition. It wasn't long ago that I felt this very strong, very strong calling to start writing and immortalize certain things in written form. I didn't understand this calling at all. I have never before considered myself a writer although it has been a common theme in my life.
So, I am blindly blogging along and before I went on vacation, I was feeling a little frustrated with the process, wondering what it was I was supposed to be writing, why am I called to do this when I really don't have the talent or the imagination to write fiction right now...wondering what I am going to have to do to develop that talent, etc. etc. etc. Yet, still I am doing it because I know beyond that shadow of a doubt that there is a reason and purpose for it. It's tangible almost.
So, while we were at home visiting, I put it all out of my mind. I didn't mention it to anyone..I just prayed and forgot about it. The night before we were to leave, I was sitting with my mother in law and she was reminiscing about the different antiques she has and family members they belonged to and just casually said that her daughter told her that she should write all the stories down..why she has the stuff, and where it came from, who it came from, why it means so much to her, etc. The family story. Her tone of voice was so poignant and so sorrowful, that I could hear my calling resonate within her voice. And I knew. And I know. Does this make sense to anyone besides me? As soon as I start fulfilling that, then I know the next step will be revealed and I will be looking back reading this later and feel like I should have seen it all along.
So, as near as I can come to defining God at this point in my life is......love. If you are motivated by love, then you will always be shown the path. It only gets hard when you start to do things for other motivations. When I started thinking about writing for money...I did not have the words anymore. When I am thinking of writing because a particular subject sparks me to share a personal experience out of love for my fellow man, then I can't type fast enough.
Another example that I can think of is disciplining children. Whenever I discipline my children with love for them and their well being in the front of my mind....instead of what their actions have done to me....then I am able to be much more effective in my discipline methods and have greater success. The right way to handle the situation becomes clearer, faster, whenever I am filtering my thought process through love for them.
One last example of something that happens when you are walking with God is serenity. Peace. Knowledge that you'll have the strength to deal with anything. Having the strength to deal with anything. Knowing that death is not the end of the journey, but only the beginning.
Friday, July 29, 2005
Time Warp
I cannot believe it is Friday already. It was just Monday.
I have had so much to do and so much on my mind since we got back, that apparently, I have lost a couple of days.
I got a new dryer yesterday and laundry has consumed much of today. Let me tell you, over the years I have learned to plan for the inevitable 'shit happening.' I managed to have exactly enough money put aside to get a new, larger dryer. How cool is that?
It always works out like that though when I stop to think about it. Proof positive to me that God does exist. Trust me, if He didn't, then I would not be able to accomplish half that I do.
I have had so much to do and so much on my mind since we got back, that apparently, I have lost a couple of days.
I got a new dryer yesterday and laundry has consumed much of today. Let me tell you, over the years I have learned to plan for the inevitable 'shit happening.' I managed to have exactly enough money put aside to get a new, larger dryer. How cool is that?
It always works out like that though when I stop to think about it. Proof positive to me that God does exist. Trust me, if He didn't, then I would not be able to accomplish half that I do.
Thursday, July 28, 2005
Vacations are Hard Work
I have not unpacked yet. Instead, I cleaned the garage yesterday so that there was a way to get the old dryer out of the house and the new dryer that I have yet to buy into the house. Yes, my dryer bit the big one. Some time ago, my washing machine bit the big one. I had bought the set when I was only doing laundry for 2. It really just couldn't hold up to the duty cycle of doing laundry for 8. Well, it held up for 10 years doing laundry for 8. The dryer, therefore did not have the same capacity as the washing machine. Begged, bitched, and ranted and raved about overloading the dryer...I did...to what avail? Maybe instead of lasting 2 more years, it would have only lasted 1? I don't know. They still overloaded it and I am still out shopping for a new dryer.
I just want stuff to quit breaking. My oldest son left a metal tent stake out in the yard to be run over by the brand new lawnmower we just bought. All the other boys who have been bustin' their butts around here are ready to give him a blanket party. He has no idea that it is my mere presence that is saving him from that fate right now. If I was him, I'd be really nice to me right now, or I might find an excuse to take off for a weekend and let the ass whoopin's begin. I'm just sayin'.
Alright, I am off to the store to locate a dryer. If I can get some laundry done, people will be a lot happier here. And, I better think of a kick ass supper to cook tonight or morale is going to be at an all time low.
I just want stuff to quit breaking. My oldest son left a metal tent stake out in the yard to be run over by the brand new lawnmower we just bought. All the other boys who have been bustin' their butts around here are ready to give him a blanket party. He has no idea that it is my mere presence that is saving him from that fate right now. If I was him, I'd be really nice to me right now, or I might find an excuse to take off for a weekend and let the ass whoopin's begin. I'm just sayin'.
Alright, I am off to the store to locate a dryer. If I can get some laundry done, people will be a lot happier here. And, I better think of a kick ass supper to cook tonight or morale is going to be at an all time low.
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Fun Things We Did In Texas
East Texas is where we went. It's not much different from North Georgia in obvious ways. You have to look a little closer. You can see farther and the wildlife is definitely different. People in East Texas are a little more openly friendly and a little more openly unfriendly if you upset them.
Most of the cool stuff we got to do was to spend time with my in-laws and take care of a few things for them. Why is this so cool? Because they are the only elders that we have in our family to appreciate right now and we very rarely get a chance to show our full appreciation for the things that they have sacrificed for us and the things that they have done to make our lives easier over the years. It's payback time.
My father in law is 86 years old. He was a steel salesman back in the day. If memory serves me correctly, he sold the steel that built the St. Louis Arch. He remembers when Fritos were invented.
He is also surrounded by women all the time. Not that this is necessarily a bad thing, these women all love him. My mother in law and his daughters and granddaughters. Like women, though, they are very protective of him. He has diabetes, Parkinson's and a couple of other things and he had a stroke last year that knocked him down for a little while. He, being a man, does not want anybody doing for him.
When we come to town, one of the things that makes it fun for him is he gets to go to the hardware store and do things with the guys that he doesn't normally get to do. This is because they have the strength and the knowledge to accomplish what HE wants and tends to get himself in a spot of trouble if there isn't anyone around to watch him. He overdoes it by himself.
Another thing we got to do for him is put some male programming on. On Sunday after church, we put the last 30 laps or so of the race on and boy howdy did that man get up and move to where he could see the action pretty quick. I was impressed. He paid more attention to that race than my husband did. (Of course there was a lot of cautions in those last laps to make it exciting too.)
The little dude and I got to see an armadillo for the first time. They sure are funny looking when they run, especially when they start bouncing off of trees and whatnot. Oh yeah, and we got to see a live locust too..woo hoo!! My little dude thought that was a bit cooler than I did. He especially thought it was cool because it had crawled up the inside of my older kid's pants.
We ate food like there wasn't going to be any tomorrow, let me tell you. We had stroganoff, brisket, meatloaf, chicken fried steak and ALL the fixins' ..squash, eggplant casserole, potatoe salad, cookies, cakes, you name it. I don't think I'm going to be able to eat for a week.
We also went shopping and looked at every antique in East Texas. I need a Lone Star for the outside of my house. We went to a place called the Redneck Ranch (just for me...) and they had some pretty neat stuff in there. The "Wake the Fuck Up" coffee, made me laugh so hard.
It always sucks to have to leave. It was harder this time because Dad had an insulin reaction as we were leaving and damn near passed out right on the carport. Luckily my husband was there to catch him. Damn, just damn. We made sure he was awake and alert enough to be able to answer questions. As soon as we figured out what had happened, my mother in law shooed us on our way with a promise to call as soon as it had passed and he ate. She didn't call til we got to the Arkansas line, but she did say he was fine. He had a doctor's appt. yesterday anyway, so, hopefully things will be ok for a little while longer.
From this point forward, any opportunity I get to take the little ones to visit, I will.
Most of the cool stuff we got to do was to spend time with my in-laws and take care of a few things for them. Why is this so cool? Because they are the only elders that we have in our family to appreciate right now and we very rarely get a chance to show our full appreciation for the things that they have sacrificed for us and the things that they have done to make our lives easier over the years. It's payback time.
My father in law is 86 years old. He was a steel salesman back in the day. If memory serves me correctly, he sold the steel that built the St. Louis Arch. He remembers when Fritos were invented.
He is also surrounded by women all the time. Not that this is necessarily a bad thing, these women all love him. My mother in law and his daughters and granddaughters. Like women, though, they are very protective of him. He has diabetes, Parkinson's and a couple of other things and he had a stroke last year that knocked him down for a little while. He, being a man, does not want anybody doing for him.
When we come to town, one of the things that makes it fun for him is he gets to go to the hardware store and do things with the guys that he doesn't normally get to do. This is because they have the strength and the knowledge to accomplish what HE wants and tends to get himself in a spot of trouble if there isn't anyone around to watch him. He overdoes it by himself.
Another thing we got to do for him is put some male programming on. On Sunday after church, we put the last 30 laps or so of the race on and boy howdy did that man get up and move to where he could see the action pretty quick. I was impressed. He paid more attention to that race than my husband did. (Of course there was a lot of cautions in those last laps to make it exciting too.)
The little dude and I got to see an armadillo for the first time. They sure are funny looking when they run, especially when they start bouncing off of trees and whatnot. Oh yeah, and we got to see a live locust too..woo hoo!! My little dude thought that was a bit cooler than I did. He especially thought it was cool because it had crawled up the inside of my older kid's pants.
We ate food like there wasn't going to be any tomorrow, let me tell you. We had stroganoff, brisket, meatloaf, chicken fried steak and ALL the fixins' ..squash, eggplant casserole, potatoe salad, cookies, cakes, you name it. I don't think I'm going to be able to eat for a week.
We also went shopping and looked at every antique in East Texas. I need a Lone Star for the outside of my house. We went to a place called the Redneck Ranch (just for me...) and they had some pretty neat stuff in there. The "Wake the Fuck Up" coffee, made me laugh so hard.
It always sucks to have to leave. It was harder this time because Dad had an insulin reaction as we were leaving and damn near passed out right on the carport. Luckily my husband was there to catch him. Damn, just damn. We made sure he was awake and alert enough to be able to answer questions. As soon as we figured out what had happened, my mother in law shooed us on our way with a promise to call as soon as it had passed and he ate. She didn't call til we got to the Arkansas line, but she did say he was fine. He had a doctor's appt. yesterday anyway, so, hopefully things will be ok for a little while longer.
From this point forward, any opportunity I get to take the little ones to visit, I will.
Way To Go 'Neckson and Team
I was catching up on some of my reading and this particular post over at Redneck's caught my attention.
There are few things that can make my eyes water and my voice tremble when I speak, but the talk after that game, was one of ‘em. I had to look each of ‘em in they eye, and say without sayin’ it directly… “Got Damn, I’m proud as I can be of all of you, what a freakin’ ride, you lil’ dudes rock”.
and this..
I brag on ‘Neckson a lot, but who among you that has chirren’, wouldn’t. For all that braggin’, he’s not the team, but he’s a part of it. There’s 10 other players that are just as much a part of it, not to mention parents, grandparents, and thats what makes a team. No prima donna’s here. Just ball players comin’ to work the last seven months. They earned, and deserved everyting they accomplished
How cool is that?
Congratulations to Neckson and his team!
There are few things that can make my eyes water and my voice tremble when I speak, but the talk after that game, was one of ‘em. I had to look each of ‘em in they eye, and say without sayin’ it directly… “Got Damn, I’m proud as I can be of all of you, what a freakin’ ride, you lil’ dudes rock”.
and this..
I brag on ‘Neckson a lot, but who among you that has chirren’, wouldn’t. For all that braggin’, he’s not the team, but he’s a part of it. There’s 10 other players that are just as much a part of it, not to mention parents, grandparents, and thats what makes a team. No prima donna’s here. Just ball players comin’ to work the last seven months. They earned, and deserved everyting they accomplished
How cool is that?
Congratulations to Neckson and his team!
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
Back From Texas
I can't say it was a vacation, exactly, but we sure did have a lot of fun!
The caravan pulled out at 6am sharp last Monday morning. We were loaded up, rested up, and ready to roll.
It was a little hairy through Atlanta, but that's not really news, now is it?
Everything was smooth until Nashville, as a matter of fact. In Nashville, the check engine light came on in the Blazer. So, we pulled over and checked the engine. It was a little low on oil and fluids, so we just made a longer pit stop. Finally, we're ready to go again and we don't get down the road two exits before I looked over (my 18 yr old son was driving) and noticed that the battery level had dropped dramatically. Then the battery light came on, so I hollered on the radio to my husband and we pulled over to check again and sure enough, the alternator had quit. The gas station attendant told us that the nearest place was back in Nashville. However, some kind soul overheard our plight and told my husband of a junkyard just a couple of miles away that would have one. Sure enough, not only did they have one, but they gave him a really good price on it. So, we changed out the alternator and were finally on our way. Total time lost..1.5 hours, not too bad, eh?
I was truly touched by the number of people who were so willing to help a stranger in need. This man adopted my husband like he was his own. He not only gave him directions to the junkyard, but let him know which road had a speed trap on it and whatnot.
While my husband and my 18 yo ran that errand, the other 4 kids and I hung out drinking soda in the parking lot talking to strangers. It was kind of cool! It took us 14 hours to go from Atlanta to East Texas.
When we got there, there was a hot meal ready for us to eat, beds to sleep in and lots of happiness.
My sister in law also has a house in the same community so we kind of take up two houses and we could take up three if we had one more. We get up early in the morning and go straight to Mom's house and have breakfast. Mom is 82 and Dad is 86. They have been married for 63 years. Dad is ailing due to the toll that diabetes has taken on him so each visit we get with him is precious.
Wednesday my oldest sister in law came out. We were staying at her house so we got to visit late into the night on Wednesday. Thursday, my other sister in law came out with her daughter and granddaughter. That made 13 people to keep track of and feed. My sisters in law brought food with them so we didn't have to do too terribly much cooking.
Thursday night, I brought out some Smirnoff and shared a black cherry one with my mother in law. We had put in a hard day of feeding some hungry men who worked up an appetite doing some things around the house that they haven't been able to take care of. They mowed the lawn, fixed the DR, fixed the golf cart charger, fixed all the hand railings on all the stairs, installed an air conditioner and washed the windows. There was only my mother in law and I to feed all those people, which is a treat for me because usually it's just me. Anyway, so we sat down and had a drink together. I didn't know if she would like what I brought, but by golly, she let me know when her glass was empty! You have not lived until you have partied with your 82 yr. old mother in law, let me tell you!
The rest of the week was pretty smooth considering you had all those women together in one house. It's like a big power struggle over the kitchen when you get them all together. And we all have our own idea of what tastes good and how to please people and the desire to please them as well.
The trip home was uneventful and only took 12.5 hours. We made some record time.
The caravan pulled out at 6am sharp last Monday morning. We were loaded up, rested up, and ready to roll.
It was a little hairy through Atlanta, but that's not really news, now is it?
Everything was smooth until Nashville, as a matter of fact. In Nashville, the check engine light came on in the Blazer. So, we pulled over and checked the engine. It was a little low on oil and fluids, so we just made a longer pit stop. Finally, we're ready to go again and we don't get down the road two exits before I looked over (my 18 yr old son was driving) and noticed that the battery level had dropped dramatically. Then the battery light came on, so I hollered on the radio to my husband and we pulled over to check again and sure enough, the alternator had quit. The gas station attendant told us that the nearest place was back in Nashville. However, some kind soul overheard our plight and told my husband of a junkyard just a couple of miles away that would have one. Sure enough, not only did they have one, but they gave him a really good price on it. So, we changed out the alternator and were finally on our way. Total time lost..1.5 hours, not too bad, eh?
I was truly touched by the number of people who were so willing to help a stranger in need. This man adopted my husband like he was his own. He not only gave him directions to the junkyard, but let him know which road had a speed trap on it and whatnot.
While my husband and my 18 yo ran that errand, the other 4 kids and I hung out drinking soda in the parking lot talking to strangers. It was kind of cool! It took us 14 hours to go from Atlanta to East Texas.
When we got there, there was a hot meal ready for us to eat, beds to sleep in and lots of happiness.
My sister in law also has a house in the same community so we kind of take up two houses and we could take up three if we had one more. We get up early in the morning and go straight to Mom's house and have breakfast. Mom is 82 and Dad is 86. They have been married for 63 years. Dad is ailing due to the toll that diabetes has taken on him so each visit we get with him is precious.
Wednesday my oldest sister in law came out. We were staying at her house so we got to visit late into the night on Wednesday. Thursday, my other sister in law came out with her daughter and granddaughter. That made 13 people to keep track of and feed. My sisters in law brought food with them so we didn't have to do too terribly much cooking.
Thursday night, I brought out some Smirnoff and shared a black cherry one with my mother in law. We had put in a hard day of feeding some hungry men who worked up an appetite doing some things around the house that they haven't been able to take care of. They mowed the lawn, fixed the DR, fixed the golf cart charger, fixed all the hand railings on all the stairs, installed an air conditioner and washed the windows. There was only my mother in law and I to feed all those people, which is a treat for me because usually it's just me. Anyway, so we sat down and had a drink together. I didn't know if she would like what I brought, but by golly, she let me know when her glass was empty! You have not lived until you have partied with your 82 yr. old mother in law, let me tell you!
The rest of the week was pretty smooth considering you had all those women together in one house. It's like a big power struggle over the kitchen when you get them all together. And we all have our own idea of what tastes good and how to please people and the desire to please them as well.
The trip home was uneventful and only took 12.5 hours. We made some record time.
Sunday, July 17, 2005
Done and Gone
Ok, I'm done reading Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. I am in denial still. A better review on that later after others have had a chance to read.
We're gone to Texas in the morning for a well needed vacation.
We're gone to Texas in the morning for a well needed vacation.
Saturday, July 16, 2005
Ok, I'm a Geek!
In about 15 min I am going to go pick up the newest Harry Potter book. My husband predicts that I'll be done with it by Monday morning..LOL!
I am a very voracious reader..always have been..so there's a good chance that he's right.
I was also geeky enough to pre-order it but I only did that 3 days ago.
Honestly, on an average, I would say I read one to two books a week. Books are my medicine..my anxiety relief...my lifeline.
If there was anything in the world that could be taken from me that would absolutely kill me..the ability to read would be that thing.
I recently read Dead Man's Walk By Larry McMurtryand that was an excellent read (thanks Paw Paw)!
But, now I'm off to pick up the Harry Potter book..hooray!!!
I am a very voracious reader..always have been..so there's a good chance that he's right.
I was also geeky enough to pre-order it but I only did that 3 days ago.
Honestly, on an average, I would say I read one to two books a week. Books are my medicine..my anxiety relief...my lifeline.
If there was anything in the world that could be taken from me that would absolutely kill me..the ability to read would be that thing.
I recently read Dead Man's Walk By Larry McMurtryand that was an excellent read (thanks Paw Paw)!
But, now I'm off to pick up the Harry Potter book..hooray!!!
Friday, July 15, 2005
Kids Draw the Funniest Conclusions
When my husband and I first got married, our oldest kid was 11 and the youngest was 5. There was also only 4 of them.
Due to the newness of our relationship, we had to get kind of creative to get some quality time together.
I solved the problem by instituting quiet time. Every day from 1-3pm, they were to be in their rooms engaging in a quiet activity before resuming the breakneck pace they always were on.
One day my 11 year old announced that he 'knew' what we were doing in our bedroom during those times.
We said.."You do?" (cringing slightly, you understand, wondering all kinds of things at this point and none of them good)
He said: Yes, I do. I've been wondering for a long time and now I finally know..
We said: What do you think we're doing in there?
He said: READING BOOKS, of course.
Us: What a CLEVER boy you are (mentally wiping our brows in relief and hoping it doesn't show on our faces)
I wonder if he remembers having that conversation with us? God, I hope not.
Due to the newness of our relationship, we had to get kind of creative to get some quality time together.
I solved the problem by instituting quiet time. Every day from 1-3pm, they were to be in their rooms engaging in a quiet activity before resuming the breakneck pace they always were on.
One day my 11 year old announced that he 'knew' what we were doing in our bedroom during those times.
We said.."You do?" (cringing slightly, you understand, wondering all kinds of things at this point and none of them good)
He said: Yes, I do. I've been wondering for a long time and now I finally know..
We said: What do you think we're doing in there?
He said: READING BOOKS, of course.
Us: What a CLEVER boy you are (mentally wiping our brows in relief and hoping it doesn't show on our faces)
I wonder if he remembers having that conversation with us? God, I hope not.
Doing the Vehicle Shuffle
This time yesterday morning, I received a phone call from my oldest son, who had just left for work.
Him: Hey, can you come get me?
Me: Sure, where are you?
Him: On the side of the road.
Me: Be right there.
When he bought his truck, someone had modified the starter and put an automatic starter on there. You know, the ones that come with the remote starter so that when it's cold you can stand inside and push a button and your car will warm up? Well, apparently, they didn't do it right. So, he was driving along and it just shorted out on him. The start circuit and the run circuit will not engage.
I dropped him off at the tow truck place and he had it towed home.
Ok, so my husband comes home from work, pulls into the driveway and comes in to change clothes and have a beer before helping my oldest one with his truck.
I have my stuff gathered to run to the grocery store and get some fresh stuff for our dinner. We walk outside and there is a huge puddle of water under the Camaro. Sigh. The radiator has let loose..again.
So, today, my eldest must drive the station wagon to work. My 18 yr old doesn't need a car today as he has gone to work with my husband. My husband drove the Camaro after determining how far up the leak was. Apparently it's far enough up to not completely run the radiator dry on one run. My job is to watch the email and go pick up a new radiator and have it waiting here when he gets home.
This weekend is a working weekend, too. I have to go and record safety inspection results and type up approximately 50 five to ten page reports in excel..woo hoo!! I actually like doing this because it makes me feel like I'm doing something to bring some extra money in. It takes me twice as long to type them as it does for him to perform the inspections.
Did I mention we were going on vacation on Monday?
Him: Hey, can you come get me?
Me: Sure, where are you?
Him: On the side of the road.
Me: Be right there.
When he bought his truck, someone had modified the starter and put an automatic starter on there. You know, the ones that come with the remote starter so that when it's cold you can stand inside and push a button and your car will warm up? Well, apparently, they didn't do it right. So, he was driving along and it just shorted out on him. The start circuit and the run circuit will not engage.
I dropped him off at the tow truck place and he had it towed home.
Ok, so my husband comes home from work, pulls into the driveway and comes in to change clothes and have a beer before helping my oldest one with his truck.
I have my stuff gathered to run to the grocery store and get some fresh stuff for our dinner. We walk outside and there is a huge puddle of water under the Camaro. Sigh. The radiator has let loose..again.
So, today, my eldest must drive the station wagon to work. My 18 yr old doesn't need a car today as he has gone to work with my husband. My husband drove the Camaro after determining how far up the leak was. Apparently it's far enough up to not completely run the radiator dry on one run. My job is to watch the email and go pick up a new radiator and have it waiting here when he gets home.
This weekend is a working weekend, too. I have to go and record safety inspection results and type up approximately 50 five to ten page reports in excel..woo hoo!! I actually like doing this because it makes me feel like I'm doing something to bring some extra money in. It takes me twice as long to type them as it does for him to perform the inspections.
Did I mention we were going on vacation on Monday?
Are Women Scared?
This guy thinks so. I think he's probably right, unfortunately.
So, assuming he's right, that women are afraid to take risks, then what I want to explore is WHAT they are afraid of and WHY they are afraid.
I consider myself a pretty fearless woman. My husband considers me pretty fearless, for a woman.
First of all, I never knew real fear in my life until I was 19 years old and a man showed me that I couldn't win physically, because he was bigger. So from 19 on I have carried with me an awareness that men and women are NOT created equally.
The other thing that sparks fear in women is injuries. First of all, why in the heck to guys find it necessary to engage in activities..fun..to the point that there must be blood or injury. It's not fun unless there's a war wound to show off.
Women just take a picture.
Therefore, when we aren't afraid of what men can do to us, and we have men we love in our lives, then we become afraid of what they can do to themselves or what they can do to each other.
As well, whenever you men to manage to escape us and do something ..and inevitably get hurt, then who has to take care of you? Why, us scaredy cat ol' women, that's who.
Men are as much driven by testosterone as they say we women are driven by estrogen. Both are correct, we are part of the animal kingdom too...but that's a whole 'nother subject.
Now, living with all these ding-dang men, I have learned over the years to pick my battles. At first, they used to blow me off as an overprotective female, but once I was right a few times, they started listening.
Simple communication relieves a lot of worries for females. Mostly, communicating what your plan is to deal with any trouble that might come up during whatever adventure of your choosing you're going to undertake. This shows that you've at least thought things through.
A perfect personal example of this is the hot rod. I KNOW my husband drives that thing like it's designed to be driven. He has probably put himself in numerous dangerous situations with that car. Do I worry? Yes. A little. However, I do worry a lot less than I used to. Why? Because I know WHERE he has his fun. It's not so much his skills I'm worried about, but others around him. He goes to a deserted place where there's nobody to have his fun and that's cool by me. A compromise has been reached and both parties win. Everything should be like that, really.
Now, when we go places for an extended period of time and we leave the hot rod at home, you better believe it's locked up and both sets of keys are on our person because I surely do not have that faith in my son, even though he is an 'adult' now. It's too much of a temptation. I think fear must have to be a learned evolution in men or something.
This same bit of annoying scaredycatedness (is that a word..LOL) is the same thing that makes us know by looking that you've had a crappy day at work and therefore, we have the beer already open by the time you get in the house. It's the same gene that makes us know that you need a backrub, or to be listened to, or get away for awhile. The anticipatory gene. It's like the flip side of the coin. If you do away with it, then you lose all you like about it too.
All that does is show me that it isn't just physically that men and women provide balance for each other, but mentally and spiritually as well. Yes, men are one way and women are another but when you put the two together, then you have the whole.
Most men wouldn't really change the way women are and I don't think most women would change the way men are. And lets separate men and women from girls and boys when thinking about that.
So, are women scared? I guess so. Do you REALLY want us to not be that way? I don't think so.
So, assuming he's right, that women are afraid to take risks, then what I want to explore is WHAT they are afraid of and WHY they are afraid.
I consider myself a pretty fearless woman. My husband considers me pretty fearless, for a woman.
First of all, I never knew real fear in my life until I was 19 years old and a man showed me that I couldn't win physically, because he was bigger. So from 19 on I have carried with me an awareness that men and women are NOT created equally.
The other thing that sparks fear in women is injuries. First of all, why in the heck to guys find it necessary to engage in activities..fun..to the point that there must be blood or injury. It's not fun unless there's a war wound to show off.
Women just take a picture.
Therefore, when we aren't afraid of what men can do to us, and we have men we love in our lives, then we become afraid of what they can do to themselves or what they can do to each other.
As well, whenever you men to manage to escape us and do something ..and inevitably get hurt, then who has to take care of you? Why, us scaredy cat ol' women, that's who.
Men are as much driven by testosterone as they say we women are driven by estrogen. Both are correct, we are part of the animal kingdom too...but that's a whole 'nother subject.
Now, living with all these ding-dang men, I have learned over the years to pick my battles. At first, they used to blow me off as an overprotective female, but once I was right a few times, they started listening.
Simple communication relieves a lot of worries for females. Mostly, communicating what your plan is to deal with any trouble that might come up during whatever adventure of your choosing you're going to undertake. This shows that you've at least thought things through.
A perfect personal example of this is the hot rod. I KNOW my husband drives that thing like it's designed to be driven. He has probably put himself in numerous dangerous situations with that car. Do I worry? Yes. A little. However, I do worry a lot less than I used to. Why? Because I know WHERE he has his fun. It's not so much his skills I'm worried about, but others around him. He goes to a deserted place where there's nobody to have his fun and that's cool by me. A compromise has been reached and both parties win. Everything should be like that, really.
Now, when we go places for an extended period of time and we leave the hot rod at home, you better believe it's locked up and both sets of keys are on our person because I surely do not have that faith in my son, even though he is an 'adult' now. It's too much of a temptation. I think fear must have to be a learned evolution in men or something.
This same bit of annoying scaredycatedness (is that a word..LOL) is the same thing that makes us know by looking that you've had a crappy day at work and therefore, we have the beer already open by the time you get in the house. It's the same gene that makes us know that you need a backrub, or to be listened to, or get away for awhile. The anticipatory gene. It's like the flip side of the coin. If you do away with it, then you lose all you like about it too.
All that does is show me that it isn't just physically that men and women provide balance for each other, but mentally and spiritually as well. Yes, men are one way and women are another but when you put the two together, then you have the whole.
Most men wouldn't really change the way women are and I don't think most women would change the way men are. And lets separate men and women from girls and boys when thinking about that.
So, are women scared? I guess so. Do you REALLY want us to not be that way? I don't think so.
Thursday, July 14, 2005
Kids Are Very Literal
When you make a request of a child, you are going to get what you asked for and NOT ONE THING MORE, so be very specific in what you ask for.
For example:
Me: I'm going to watch the race at 3pm.
Them: Ok, Mommy.
I turn the race on and I'm watching it until the noise level of them arguing becomes such that I cannot HEAR the race anymore. Quickly it dawned on me that they were letting me WATCH the race, as I requested. They were not standing in front of the television as they usually do, dancing around and doing handstands and everything else that kids do in the living room, so you'll tell them to stop.
Me: I can't hear.
Them: Well you didn't tell us THAT!
For example:
Me: I'm going to watch the race at 3pm.
Them: Ok, Mommy.
I turn the race on and I'm watching it until the noise level of them arguing becomes such that I cannot HEAR the race anymore. Quickly it dawned on me that they were letting me WATCH the race, as I requested. They were not standing in front of the television as they usually do, dancing around and doing handstands and everything else that kids do in the living room, so you'll tell them to stop.
Me: I can't hear.
Them: Well you didn't tell us THAT!
Animals
I do not know who came up with the idea that all children need pets, but they obviously didn't have children or pets, and certainly not the two together.
We have had some really crappy animals over the years. I'm sworn off cats forever..they are such nasty creatures.
One Christmas, my eldest son wrote a letter to Santa asking for a new iguana. He promised he wouldn't touch the baby, even if he washed his hands, just to be sure. We were guilted into running around Christmas eve to try and find a cat for him because we just didn't want to deal with the risk of salmonella. We were the ones that accidentally murdered his iguana to begin with so we felt like we should get a replacement.
This cat was nothing but a pain in the ass. She wouldn't use the litter box, ever. I finally had to make her an outside cat. Well, she wasn't fixed and she had litter after litter of kittens. Finally, we loaded up her and the kittens and took them to the local animal shelter. We kept one male cat because when we got back, my eldest (see the common theme here) found him half drowned in the spa. We promptly named him Bob (what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in the pool...Bob).
Bob was even nastier than his mother. He pissed on everything, I couldn't have company over or even begin to keep up with the mess. Bob became an outdoor cat, too and wandered off one day never to return.
We had a dog we rescued from a carnival and he was a pain too. He ate stuff like door jams. He did not want to be an outside dog and he'd get pissed every time it rained and just wait for an opportunity to destroy something. The final straw was when he ate my car. He got loose one day and brought home this wild female dog that he had impregnated. She was beautiful, but we put her at about only 7 months old. She didn't know what to do with the puppies, had them spread ALL over the yard. That was traumatic, let me tell you. Bo and the wild dog wound up running off together. Hope he was happy. He was an old dog.
So, for the first time in 10 years, we had no pet. I was joyous. Dancing every day. Until...my eldest son comes home with this brown boxer mix one day about a year ago. He had a serious girlfriend at the time and he had stopped over at her house to say howdy only to find out that her mother had died the night before; she fell down the stairs and whacked her head in the right place. So the gal asked Jim to take the dog because the dog was going to be homeless.
Damn it.
Her name is Harley, and let me tell you, she is my best bud. She's cute as a button, and mellow. Every morning after everyone leaves for school and work, she and I go back upstairs and take a nap together. There's nothing like a good napping dog! She does mess in the house sometimes, but only when I leave her here alone. Now I just have her on a chain outside when I'm not here, which is rarely. She likes bacon a lot...LOL!!! She's fixed..yay! And since then, he's added a snake to his menagerie and going to add some kind of lizard. The difference now is that he's old enough to truly take care of them. The dog is like my first grandkid..I get to have all the fun with her and he has to pay for her and clean up after her.. Excellent deal in my opinion.
We have had some really crappy animals over the years. I'm sworn off cats forever..they are such nasty creatures.
One Christmas, my eldest son wrote a letter to Santa asking for a new iguana. He promised he wouldn't touch the baby, even if he washed his hands, just to be sure. We were guilted into running around Christmas eve to try and find a cat for him because we just didn't want to deal with the risk of salmonella. We were the ones that accidentally murdered his iguana to begin with so we felt like we should get a replacement.
This cat was nothing but a pain in the ass. She wouldn't use the litter box, ever. I finally had to make her an outside cat. Well, she wasn't fixed and she had litter after litter of kittens. Finally, we loaded up her and the kittens and took them to the local animal shelter. We kept one male cat because when we got back, my eldest (see the common theme here) found him half drowned in the spa. We promptly named him Bob (what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in the pool...Bob).
Bob was even nastier than his mother. He pissed on everything, I couldn't have company over or even begin to keep up with the mess. Bob became an outdoor cat, too and wandered off one day never to return.
We had a dog we rescued from a carnival and he was a pain too. He ate stuff like door jams. He did not want to be an outside dog and he'd get pissed every time it rained and just wait for an opportunity to destroy something. The final straw was when he ate my car. He got loose one day and brought home this wild female dog that he had impregnated. She was beautiful, but we put her at about only 7 months old. She didn't know what to do with the puppies, had them spread ALL over the yard. That was traumatic, let me tell you. Bo and the wild dog wound up running off together. Hope he was happy. He was an old dog.
So, for the first time in 10 years, we had no pet. I was joyous. Dancing every day. Until...my eldest son comes home with this brown boxer mix one day about a year ago. He had a serious girlfriend at the time and he had stopped over at her house to say howdy only to find out that her mother had died the night before; she fell down the stairs and whacked her head in the right place. So the gal asked Jim to take the dog because the dog was going to be homeless.
Damn it.
Her name is Harley, and let me tell you, she is my best bud. She's cute as a button, and mellow. Every morning after everyone leaves for school and work, she and I go back upstairs and take a nap together. There's nothing like a good napping dog! She does mess in the house sometimes, but only when I leave her here alone. Now I just have her on a chain outside when I'm not here, which is rarely. She likes bacon a lot...LOL!!! She's fixed..yay! And since then, he's added a snake to his menagerie and going to add some kind of lizard. The difference now is that he's old enough to truly take care of them. The dog is like my first grandkid..I get to have all the fun with her and he has to pay for her and clean up after her.. Excellent deal in my opinion.
Hug an Old Person Today
For those of you who still have elders in your life, hug them today. I, personally, don't have elders in my life and really never have. I feel very deprived of that, I really do.
Being a Navy brat, we didn't live near family and my grandparents had died when I was 10 and 11. I was very close with my grandmother and there really hasn't been a big moment in my life where I haven't wished she was there. Now, I can't even hear stories about her because my dad is gone. So, my kids don't have very many elders in their lives, either.
What I do have is my in-laws. Those are the only elders I know and I am so much the better for it. I love my in-laws like they were my own parents. They have taken me into their family as if I were one of theirs.
My mother in law is a very formidable woman. Her presence in the world is just..comforting. This struck me most on 9/11. I caught her online right as the second tower was falling and they had been saying that 9/11 was way worse than Pearl Harbor. I can totally understand how she feels when she says sadly that people don't remember Pearl Harbor day anymore. Anyway, I asked her since she was there and would know better than anyone else and she said it was much worse than Pearl Harbor.
I admire her very much. She is so open minded in a world of closed minds. Yes, she has her rules and that is comforting, as well. But, she's 80+ years old and can use a computer with the best of them. She didn't get scared of any machine, she signed herself right up for a class. She has her little church group that she emails with and she's always glad to get pictures of the grandkids in email. And, she's not the only one in the family. My father in law is terrific too! He's a cantankerous sounding man but he's got a heart of gold and a way about him that wants you want to make him proud. For a long time, everyone in the family was jealous because he told me I was doing a good job with the boys and apparently, he doesn't just say that.
He's going to be an elder that I won't get to have long enough. Most of our relationship has been non-verbal. My blending into the family wasn't an easy one. Now that I'm older, I can totally understand. My husband and I eloped and he called his mother one day and announced that we got married a couple of days before. I am 10 years younger than my husband, who is 12 and 13 years younger than his oldest sisters.
To say there were a few blowouts, is a bit of an understatement. When things got real tough, he would take me down to his workshop and we'd just sit for a bit and he'd let me look at all the wooden things he used to make.
We do stuff for him when we go that's a bit odd, but makes him happy. See, we have almost all the boys in the family, so he's surrounded by all the women. One year, we went for a visit and all the women were in a tizz and I do mean a tizz because he went outside and peed in the woods. Why would he do that?, they wondered. I had to laugh and say..Because he can..jeez.
So, my husband makes sure to keep a watch and keep the women away so he can do what he wants without people bugging him.
I'm really looking forward to going to Texas!!!
Being a Navy brat, we didn't live near family and my grandparents had died when I was 10 and 11. I was very close with my grandmother and there really hasn't been a big moment in my life where I haven't wished she was there. Now, I can't even hear stories about her because my dad is gone. So, my kids don't have very many elders in their lives, either.
What I do have is my in-laws. Those are the only elders I know and I am so much the better for it. I love my in-laws like they were my own parents. They have taken me into their family as if I were one of theirs.
My mother in law is a very formidable woman. Her presence in the world is just..comforting. This struck me most on 9/11. I caught her online right as the second tower was falling and they had been saying that 9/11 was way worse than Pearl Harbor. I can totally understand how she feels when she says sadly that people don't remember Pearl Harbor day anymore. Anyway, I asked her since she was there and would know better than anyone else and she said it was much worse than Pearl Harbor.
I admire her very much. She is so open minded in a world of closed minds. Yes, she has her rules and that is comforting, as well. But, she's 80+ years old and can use a computer with the best of them. She didn't get scared of any machine, she signed herself right up for a class. She has her little church group that she emails with and she's always glad to get pictures of the grandkids in email. And, she's not the only one in the family. My father in law is terrific too! He's a cantankerous sounding man but he's got a heart of gold and a way about him that wants you want to make him proud. For a long time, everyone in the family was jealous because he told me I was doing a good job with the boys and apparently, he doesn't just say that.
He's going to be an elder that I won't get to have long enough. Most of our relationship has been non-verbal. My blending into the family wasn't an easy one. Now that I'm older, I can totally understand. My husband and I eloped and he called his mother one day and announced that we got married a couple of days before. I am 10 years younger than my husband, who is 12 and 13 years younger than his oldest sisters.
To say there were a few blowouts, is a bit of an understatement. When things got real tough, he would take me down to his workshop and we'd just sit for a bit and he'd let me look at all the wooden things he used to make.
We do stuff for him when we go that's a bit odd, but makes him happy. See, we have almost all the boys in the family, so he's surrounded by all the women. One year, we went for a visit and all the women were in a tizz and I do mean a tizz because he went outside and peed in the woods. Why would he do that?, they wondered. I had to laugh and say..Because he can..jeez.
So, my husband makes sure to keep a watch and keep the women away so he can do what he wants without people bugging him.
I'm really looking forward to going to Texas!!!
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Pet Peeve
Ok, I do have one pet peeve. People who make the same mistake over, and over and over and complain that their lives suck and quitters. Usually those are the same people, actually.
Then DO something about it. Geez, if you haven't figured out that your life is going to suck if your continuously smoking crack, or drinking your liver to death, then why should I feel sorry for you?
Life is a result of the choices we make. If we make the wrong choices, then we can't complain about the end result.
Ok, so sometimes stuff happens...been there. But when the SAME stuff keeps happening, there is a root cause. It is up to you to find what the root cause is and eliminate it.
There is so much blame of "other" people instead of taking responsibility for your own actions. If you don't pay the electric bill, they are going to turn the electricity off. Make sure that you have enough money to pay the electric bill before you go buy a six-pack of beer. If you'd pay the electric bill, you'd not need the six-pack/joint/pick your poison to deal with the stress of not having electricity. Don't blame the guy at the electric company.
Another fine example of this is people who stay in abusive relationships. Get it straight, if it happens once it's going to happen again and again and again and again. Get out while you still know it's wrong because once it starts to feel normal, you might as well just dig your grave. You plan ahead to get away and stay away. You go to a place where you KNOW you're safe. But DO something. If you choose to stay in a relationship like that, then please, don't expect people to feel sorry for you.
There is too much victim thinking in this world and not nearly enough true victims. If you are a true victim of circumstance, you know who you are and you aren't whining about it because you saw what to do to prevent something like that from happening again, and you've taken care of it, moved on with it and are over it. You are in a different place in life.
If you are out in a bad neighborhood at night and you find yourself a victim of crime, you, too have choices. Stay in at night, do what it takes to get a better job so that you can afford to move to a neighborhood that is safer. If you can't read, learn. If someone says no the first time, then ask again, and again. Don't quit.
I know a lady who lives in a house that is so filthy it is full of rats and trash. Her heat and A/C are broken and she won't call a repair person. She won't wash the dishes, nor throw them away because they were the dishes she had with her deceased husband. Her children don't want anything to do with her. She had a quadruple bypass surgery, drug her daughter away from her family where they were forced to stay in a house with no heat and then wouldn't do the first thing to prevent another heart attack. She wouldn't do cardio rehab, she wouldn't eat right, quit smoking, or excercise and announced to her children that if she had another heart attack, she didn't want any kind of medical treatment whatsoever. As well, she told her children that she's just waiting to die like their father. And she wonders why her children won't come and just take care of everything for her. Clean her house, and keep it that way, mow her lawn, fix her car. Her son brought her over a window A/C unit that she wouldn't put in the window. Instead she put it on a table, where it is dripping all over the floor, causing the floor to rot out, and when he tried to tell her about it, refused to do anything about it. Yet, she's going to expect him to fix the floor when it rots through. If he doesn't, then he's going to be a rotton son and he doesn't love her..blah blah blah.
Now, you tell me...how in the hell are you supposed to respect or want to do anything for this person?
Then DO something about it. Geez, if you haven't figured out that your life is going to suck if your continuously smoking crack, or drinking your liver to death, then why should I feel sorry for you?
Life is a result of the choices we make. If we make the wrong choices, then we can't complain about the end result.
Ok, so sometimes stuff happens...been there. But when the SAME stuff keeps happening, there is a root cause. It is up to you to find what the root cause is and eliminate it.
There is so much blame of "other" people instead of taking responsibility for your own actions. If you don't pay the electric bill, they are going to turn the electricity off. Make sure that you have enough money to pay the electric bill before you go buy a six-pack of beer. If you'd pay the electric bill, you'd not need the six-pack/joint/pick your poison to deal with the stress of not having electricity. Don't blame the guy at the electric company.
Another fine example of this is people who stay in abusive relationships. Get it straight, if it happens once it's going to happen again and again and again and again. Get out while you still know it's wrong because once it starts to feel normal, you might as well just dig your grave. You plan ahead to get away and stay away. You go to a place where you KNOW you're safe. But DO something. If you choose to stay in a relationship like that, then please, don't expect people to feel sorry for you.
There is too much victim thinking in this world and not nearly enough true victims. If you are a true victim of circumstance, you know who you are and you aren't whining about it because you saw what to do to prevent something like that from happening again, and you've taken care of it, moved on with it and are over it. You are in a different place in life.
If you are out in a bad neighborhood at night and you find yourself a victim of crime, you, too have choices. Stay in at night, do what it takes to get a better job so that you can afford to move to a neighborhood that is safer. If you can't read, learn. If someone says no the first time, then ask again, and again. Don't quit.
I know a lady who lives in a house that is so filthy it is full of rats and trash. Her heat and A/C are broken and she won't call a repair person. She won't wash the dishes, nor throw them away because they were the dishes she had with her deceased husband. Her children don't want anything to do with her. She had a quadruple bypass surgery, drug her daughter away from her family where they were forced to stay in a house with no heat and then wouldn't do the first thing to prevent another heart attack. She wouldn't do cardio rehab, she wouldn't eat right, quit smoking, or excercise and announced to her children that if she had another heart attack, she didn't want any kind of medical treatment whatsoever. As well, she told her children that she's just waiting to die like their father. And she wonders why her children won't come and just take care of everything for her. Clean her house, and keep it that way, mow her lawn, fix her car. Her son brought her over a window A/C unit that she wouldn't put in the window. Instead she put it on a table, where it is dripping all over the floor, causing the floor to rot out, and when he tried to tell her about it, refused to do anything about it. Yet, she's going to expect him to fix the floor when it rots through. If he doesn't, then he's going to be a rotton son and he doesn't love her..blah blah blah.
Now, you tell me...how in the hell are you supposed to respect or want to do anything for this person?
Blah
Ok, I'm depressed again. I should have recognized it sooner, but I didn't. All I know is that I am just blah.
I am out of cigs and Dr. Pepper and I can't even muster enough energy to go get more. I wish I had something really bright and introspective to say, but I don't.
Oh yeah. Depression sucks. It just does. I have no idea what the trigger was/is this time. It seems I never know.
The only thing for me to do now is to start fighting it with all I've got. I am in the middle of a painting project in the laundry room that will make me feel better if I finish it.
I think that is some of it. The luxury to finish a project is just not there. It seems whenever I get in the middle of doing something that I have chosen as a project, then there are 40 other things I'm not doing for people and I wind up feeling guilty. I'm not sure.
I've been probably a lot more withdrawn from people than I am when I'm not depressed so that prior statement is probably just skewed thinking on my part. I honestly can't remember what feeling not depressed is like, I've been this way for so long.
I'm just too tired to try and figure it out. And before anyone says see a professional..been there done that and they all suck. All they want to do is drug the problem away and that doesn't work.
I need a kick in the ass. It's rather hard to kick your own ass, in case nobody's ever noticed.
Well, I am going to go and accomplish something. See how I feel after that.
Hope everyone else has a nice day!
I am out of cigs and Dr. Pepper and I can't even muster enough energy to go get more. I wish I had something really bright and introspective to say, but I don't.
Oh yeah. Depression sucks. It just does. I have no idea what the trigger was/is this time. It seems I never know.
The only thing for me to do now is to start fighting it with all I've got. I am in the middle of a painting project in the laundry room that will make me feel better if I finish it.
I think that is some of it. The luxury to finish a project is just not there. It seems whenever I get in the middle of doing something that I have chosen as a project, then there are 40 other things I'm not doing for people and I wind up feeling guilty. I'm not sure.
I've been probably a lot more withdrawn from people than I am when I'm not depressed so that prior statement is probably just skewed thinking on my part. I honestly can't remember what feeling not depressed is like, I've been this way for so long.
I'm just too tired to try and figure it out. And before anyone says see a professional..been there done that and they all suck. All they want to do is drug the problem away and that doesn't work.
I need a kick in the ass. It's rather hard to kick your own ass, in case nobody's ever noticed.
Well, I am going to go and accomplish something. See how I feel after that.
Hope everyone else has a nice day!
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
A/C repairs, part 2
Now that I have had a good night's sleep and taken care of problems similar to this gal, I feel lots better.
Saturday night, while our A/C guy was here, he inadvertently, I'm sure, admitted to my husband that he wasn't exactly sure what he was doing a couple of years ago when he installed a new expansion valve onto our unit.
Sunday night, the A/C guy came back over to finish. I hear he and my husband having a loud discussion in the Harry Potter room. The A/C guy thought the expansion valve was clogged up. My husband believed that the tube leading to it was clogged up. So, they are both being egotistical and talking to me. So, finally, I just said "A/C guy? Do you have any copper tubing?" Then I explained that perhaps all parties would be happy if when he took the valve off to clean, perhaps he would be so kind as to replace the tubing, too. He said "Sure." and I left to go purchase some copper tubing.
Our A/C guys is also our friend, right? Well, he's been in a spot of difficulty lately. Let's just say life gave him the ol' smackdown and all he has left is his family, tenuous such as it is, and his job skills. He truly believes that every person needs to have A/C in the summertime. He was horrified that we didn't make it clearer (I don't know how much clearer you can say it's broke, but that's beside the point)that we didn't have A/C. He chewed me out for 10 min. telling me next time to cuss him out.
Things started to go more smoothly while I was gone, thank Heavens. They started to go even more smoothly when I assured my husband that I was going to do dirty things to him in order to make up for the lack thereof because of the heat. He mellowed out like a big lion. Unfortunately, to my embarrassment, my husband was telling me exactly what he'd like to do in return, when we rounded the corner of the house and there was A/C guy pretending like he didn't hear, God bless him.
So, they got the a/c fixed, valve cleaned out and new copper tubing put in and we sat down and had a beer and discussed the state of the world and A/C guy's life today. The nicest thing that's happened to him recently is that his g/f who is 36 is pregnant with their 6th child (his, hers and ours). He is 50. Their oldest is 15 their youngest is 21 months. That poor bastard is NEVER going to get to retire.
Some days, it's good to be us.
Saturday night, while our A/C guy was here, he inadvertently, I'm sure, admitted to my husband that he wasn't exactly sure what he was doing a couple of years ago when he installed a new expansion valve onto our unit.
Sunday night, the A/C guy came back over to finish. I hear he and my husband having a loud discussion in the Harry Potter room. The A/C guy thought the expansion valve was clogged up. My husband believed that the tube leading to it was clogged up. So, they are both being egotistical and talking to me. So, finally, I just said "A/C guy? Do you have any copper tubing?" Then I explained that perhaps all parties would be happy if when he took the valve off to clean, perhaps he would be so kind as to replace the tubing, too. He said "Sure." and I left to go purchase some copper tubing.
Our A/C guys is also our friend, right? Well, he's been in a spot of difficulty lately. Let's just say life gave him the ol' smackdown and all he has left is his family, tenuous such as it is, and his job skills. He truly believes that every person needs to have A/C in the summertime. He was horrified that we didn't make it clearer (I don't know how much clearer you can say it's broke, but that's beside the point)that we didn't have A/C. He chewed me out for 10 min. telling me next time to cuss him out.
Things started to go more smoothly while I was gone, thank Heavens. They started to go even more smoothly when I assured my husband that I was going to do dirty things to him in order to make up for the lack thereof because of the heat. He mellowed out like a big lion. Unfortunately, to my embarrassment, my husband was telling me exactly what he'd like to do in return, when we rounded the corner of the house and there was A/C guy pretending like he didn't hear, God bless him.
So, they got the a/c fixed, valve cleaned out and new copper tubing put in and we sat down and had a beer and discussed the state of the world and A/C guy's life today. The nicest thing that's happened to him recently is that his g/f who is 36 is pregnant with their 6th child (his, hers and ours). He is 50. Their oldest is 15 their youngest is 21 months. That poor bastard is NEVER going to get to retire.
Some days, it's good to be us.
Advice for the Ladies
Ladies,
Please, for the love of God, do not make your husband go to the store to get your tampons or pads. This cruelty must stop. How on earth can you be surprised by something that happens EVERY SINGLE MONTH?
In the 10 years that I have been married, I have asked my husband ONE time to go to the store for sanitary pads. It was done without complaint since I was having a miscarriage at the time and tampons just wouldn't do. THAT is considered a true emergency.
As well, I'm sure your newly blossomed teenaged daughter does NOT want her dad performing that chore either. Jeez.
Please, for the love of God, do not make your husband go to the store to get your tampons or pads. This cruelty must stop. How on earth can you be surprised by something that happens EVERY SINGLE MONTH?
In the 10 years that I have been married, I have asked my husband ONE time to go to the store for sanitary pads. It was done without complaint since I was having a miscarriage at the time and tampons just wouldn't do. THAT is considered a true emergency.
As well, I'm sure your newly blossomed teenaged daughter does NOT want her dad performing that chore either. Jeez.
Monday, July 11, 2005
Women In Nascar
Women don't belong in NASCAR competing with the guys.
Ever since Danica Patrick came into the Indy Racing League, that has been the big question on everyone's minds. Who's gonna be NASCAR's Danica? Nobody. That's who.
Make no mistake about this, Danica Patrick is awesome. She is a phenomenal race car driver, by any standards in her league. Her accomplishments are for real and what she is doing is the way all women who think they can compete should do. She is doing what she is doing for the right reasons (love of racing)instead of the wrong reasons (wanting to prove something to men). She's an ace all the way around. I wish I were her.
Watching her drive that Indy car and watching those guys be sincerely worried that she was going to win, made me wonder, apparently along with the rest of the world what she would be like in NASCAR. Then I started looking at some specific numbers and specific scenarios where those numbers would make a difference.
First of all, she is 5'2" tall and only weighs a hundred pounds. Second of all, Indy cars weigh 1,525 lbs and stock cars weigh in at 3400 lbs. Now enters some basic physics. A man and a woman that are the same height and weigh the same amount are still not equal. The man is still stronger. It's just a fact. Second of all, there aren't that many men out there that are that small. Under the age of 10 or so, anyway.
Hitting the wall at 200 miles per hour in a vehicle that weighs 1525 lbs is a whole lot different than hitting a wall in a vehicle that weighs 3400 lbs.
I am 5'1" and weigh 115 lbs. My husband is 6'1" and weighs about 185. If he hits the wall, he's gonna be real sore the next day. If I hit the wall, I'll be lucky to be out of the hospital the next day.
Losing your power steering for 500 miles and having to drive it,or losing a gear and having to muscle it into place,are two common scenarios that disclude women physically from being able to compete with the guys. That happens quite often, and if you are in a competitive sport, you have to be prepared to compete under the worst of circumstances.
Does this mean that women can't be race car drivers? No, the solution is to start a women's NASCAR series where the cars being driven are more suited to the size and physical abilities of women. They should push those limits to the endurance and make it a real sport, just like the men, but not WITH the men. I would start with the pony car sizes, personally. Get a bunch of women out there driving the Camaros and Mustangs and build their own series with their own fans. Let them start like the guys did all those years ago at the local one mile and dirt tracks and build it up.
Women, in my opinion, totally choose the wrong qualities in men to emulate. Those guys built that sport up from nothing. If, as a woman, you would like to be accepted into that sport, then you, too, must be willing to start from the bottom and build it up. Don't decide you can just drive a race car as good as a man and expect to be accepted into an organization that was built with the blood, sweat, tears, marriages, kids, and everything else they had to put into it, of men. Those women that are icons in the sport, Theresa Earnhardt and DeLana Harvick have never felt discluded and found a way to become a part of the organization, not take the organization over.
I have a feeling that for those truly dedicated to racing and providing a good show, will have all the help they need from the very people that say that they don't belong in something already established.
If you want it bad enough, you'll be willing to do the work for it.
Ever since Danica Patrick came into the Indy Racing League, that has been the big question on everyone's minds. Who's gonna be NASCAR's Danica? Nobody. That's who.
Make no mistake about this, Danica Patrick is awesome. She is a phenomenal race car driver, by any standards in her league. Her accomplishments are for real and what she is doing is the way all women who think they can compete should do. She is doing what she is doing for the right reasons (love of racing)instead of the wrong reasons (wanting to prove something to men). She's an ace all the way around. I wish I were her.
Watching her drive that Indy car and watching those guys be sincerely worried that she was going to win, made me wonder, apparently along with the rest of the world what she would be like in NASCAR. Then I started looking at some specific numbers and specific scenarios where those numbers would make a difference.
First of all, she is 5'2" tall and only weighs a hundred pounds. Second of all, Indy cars weigh 1,525 lbs and stock cars weigh in at 3400 lbs. Now enters some basic physics. A man and a woman that are the same height and weigh the same amount are still not equal. The man is still stronger. It's just a fact. Second of all, there aren't that many men out there that are that small. Under the age of 10 or so, anyway.
Hitting the wall at 200 miles per hour in a vehicle that weighs 1525 lbs is a whole lot different than hitting a wall in a vehicle that weighs 3400 lbs.
I am 5'1" and weigh 115 lbs. My husband is 6'1" and weighs about 185. If he hits the wall, he's gonna be real sore the next day. If I hit the wall, I'll be lucky to be out of the hospital the next day.
Losing your power steering for 500 miles and having to drive it,or losing a gear and having to muscle it into place,are two common scenarios that disclude women physically from being able to compete with the guys. That happens quite often, and if you are in a competitive sport, you have to be prepared to compete under the worst of circumstances.
Does this mean that women can't be race car drivers? No, the solution is to start a women's NASCAR series where the cars being driven are more suited to the size and physical abilities of women. They should push those limits to the endurance and make it a real sport, just like the men, but not WITH the men. I would start with the pony car sizes, personally. Get a bunch of women out there driving the Camaros and Mustangs and build their own series with their own fans. Let them start like the guys did all those years ago at the local one mile and dirt tracks and build it up.
Women, in my opinion, totally choose the wrong qualities in men to emulate. Those guys built that sport up from nothing. If, as a woman, you would like to be accepted into that sport, then you, too, must be willing to start from the bottom and build it up. Don't decide you can just drive a race car as good as a man and expect to be accepted into an organization that was built with the blood, sweat, tears, marriages, kids, and everything else they had to put into it, of men. Those women that are icons in the sport, Theresa Earnhardt and DeLana Harvick have never felt discluded and found a way to become a part of the organization, not take the organization over.
I have a feeling that for those truly dedicated to racing and providing a good show, will have all the help they need from the very people that say that they don't belong in something already established.
If you want it bad enough, you'll be willing to do the work for it.
Sunday, July 10, 2005
Battle Cry of Testosterone
"I am a man, therefore, I can." Testosterone is the hormone that makes women crazy, not estrogen. Testosterone is the hormone that drives men to tell their wives "I'm a man and if I want to have a few beers with the guys, there isn't anything you can say about it." It's a hormone that drives all thought of anything but fighting,
f--ing, or drinking. And if they aren't doing one of the three then they are trying to make up for it with the other two. And, since women have their own version of being connected to the animal world, usually what they're NOT doing is f--ing. Testosterone is the hormone that drives teenaged boys to say, "I'm 18, I'm a man now, I can do what I want." It's the hormone that drives the male to challenge for the alpha male spot, if they manage to get past the alpha female.
Well, I'm here to report that I have no problem being the alpha female. Let me tell you, when I get done with a couple of teenaged boys at this house, they are going to just wish they had skipped me and went on and challenged the alpha male.
Last night, our A/C guy finally got to us. We have been without A/C for 6 weeks. These people are also our friends, too, so we also mixed a little business with pleasure. They are getting ready to have their 6th child in a few months. He is 50, bless his heart. She's younger than me, so there's a bit of an age difference.
They brought 4 of the 5 kids they have already and 5 of my 6 were around. So, us gals were keeping an eye on the kids while the menfolk worked on my A/C unit. My 18 yr old and 17 yr old, instead of pitching in and helping keep the chaos level down, decided to take advantage of it instead because "they were men and didn't have to put up with a bunch of little kids around." I caught my 18 yr old going out the door with his pillow and a duffle bag full of a change of clothes around 9 pm last night. He informed me that he was going to his friend's house for a couple of hours. He managed to dodge the questions about why he had to have a pillow and a change of clothes if he was only going to be gone for a couple of hours. I let him go so I could catch him. Sometimes you have to do that. Meanwhile, his 17 yr old brother went down and caught my husband separately and only said that he was riding along with his brother. No mention of how long or anything like that. My husband, being preoccupied, assumed that I knew everything, and said fine.
They didn't get finished fixing the A/C unit until 11:45pm last night. After we helped them pack their crying, tired children into the van, we went to tuck our own crying, tired children in bed. Oh, no, we can't do that because my daughter has dragged her mattress onto the floor because she can't figure out where the ants are coming from. We have been having a bit of a power struggle about the cleanliness of her room and I made my point by plucking out the CANDY CANE from between her mattress and the side of the bed, with all the ants on it and just looked at her. She promised to clean her room today. I actually saw a lightbulb go off, yay!
She had to sleep on the couch though, because I sprayed the rest of the ants and that stuff is poison.
So, my husband had to get some sleep. I decided to wait up for the two older ones who were losing brownie points by the minute. I read my book until 2:30am before I decided I knew they weren't coming home. I went to lock all the doors and the 18 yr old had just replaced the doorknob and lock mechanism on the back door and did such a crappy job that it won't close. It locks but it won't lodge in the hole so you can just pull the whole door open without turning the knob. Great. There's my daughter laying on the couch and any ol' idiot could come in the back door and snatch her. Serious brownie points gone now.
So, I run upstairs and grab my pillow and my robe. Getting a blanket from my husband at that point was nothing doing. I went back down and camped on the couch with my daughter.
At 6 am my husband got up and I was up as soon as the first scoop of coffee hit the filter. At 6:30, the tires coming up the driveway and I sprang into action, ready to pounce like a large cat. I yanked the door open with enough force to get some attention and started to light into him and no sooner got my mouth opened before I realized it was the wrong kid. It was my 21 yr old having just returned from camping for a couple of days. I was fully informed of his whereabouts and when he planned to return. So, we sat around and shot the breeze for a little while. I informed him of what his younger siblings were up to and he made me a bloody mary.
At 7:20, the two doghouse residents came crawling home with tales of how the car wouldn't start and the phone battery was dead and they couldn't call. The battle cry of testsosterone was written all over their faces. Well, the battle cry of estrogen is fixing to whoop up on their butts. I have studied the enemy and I know how to win, playing by their rules, which really pisses them off.
And here's the deal, she who controls the food, wins. It has been my practice to have a hot meal waiting for anyone who has to work and comes home from a hard day's work. I only cook one meal, but I make it good..and I mean GOOD and I make sure to make a plate for those that aren't home and they can heat it up. Guess what? That was a privilege. You're 18, you're a man...feed yourself, then. Oh, and that car you're driving, you're a man, give it back. Oh, and that insurance that you don't have to worry about, well, start worrying. I know how to answer the battle cry of testosterone. A little dose of reality usually cures that ill right away. Don't have to bitch, just have to point them to WHAT IS..the real world.
But, damn, I'm tired.
f--ing, or drinking. And if they aren't doing one of the three then they are trying to make up for it with the other two. And, since women have their own version of being connected to the animal world, usually what they're NOT doing is f--ing. Testosterone is the hormone that drives teenaged boys to say, "I'm 18, I'm a man now, I can do what I want." It's the hormone that drives the male to challenge for the alpha male spot, if they manage to get past the alpha female.
Well, I'm here to report that I have no problem being the alpha female. Let me tell you, when I get done with a couple of teenaged boys at this house, they are going to just wish they had skipped me and went on and challenged the alpha male.
Last night, our A/C guy finally got to us. We have been without A/C for 6 weeks. These people are also our friends, too, so we also mixed a little business with pleasure. They are getting ready to have their 6th child in a few months. He is 50, bless his heart. She's younger than me, so there's a bit of an age difference.
They brought 4 of the 5 kids they have already and 5 of my 6 were around. So, us gals were keeping an eye on the kids while the menfolk worked on my A/C unit. My 18 yr old and 17 yr old, instead of pitching in and helping keep the chaos level down, decided to take advantage of it instead because "they were men and didn't have to put up with a bunch of little kids around." I caught my 18 yr old going out the door with his pillow and a duffle bag full of a change of clothes around 9 pm last night. He informed me that he was going to his friend's house for a couple of hours. He managed to dodge the questions about why he had to have a pillow and a change of clothes if he was only going to be gone for a couple of hours. I let him go so I could catch him. Sometimes you have to do that. Meanwhile, his 17 yr old brother went down and caught my husband separately and only said that he was riding along with his brother. No mention of how long or anything like that. My husband, being preoccupied, assumed that I knew everything, and said fine.
They didn't get finished fixing the A/C unit until 11:45pm last night. After we helped them pack their crying, tired children into the van, we went to tuck our own crying, tired children in bed. Oh, no, we can't do that because my daughter has dragged her mattress onto the floor because she can't figure out where the ants are coming from. We have been having a bit of a power struggle about the cleanliness of her room and I made my point by plucking out the CANDY CANE from between her mattress and the side of the bed, with all the ants on it and just looked at her. She promised to clean her room today. I actually saw a lightbulb go off, yay!
She had to sleep on the couch though, because I sprayed the rest of the ants and that stuff is poison.
So, my husband had to get some sleep. I decided to wait up for the two older ones who were losing brownie points by the minute. I read my book until 2:30am before I decided I knew they weren't coming home. I went to lock all the doors and the 18 yr old had just replaced the doorknob and lock mechanism on the back door and did such a crappy job that it won't close. It locks but it won't lodge in the hole so you can just pull the whole door open without turning the knob. Great. There's my daughter laying on the couch and any ol' idiot could come in the back door and snatch her. Serious brownie points gone now.
So, I run upstairs and grab my pillow and my robe. Getting a blanket from my husband at that point was nothing doing. I went back down and camped on the couch with my daughter.
At 6 am my husband got up and I was up as soon as the first scoop of coffee hit the filter. At 6:30, the tires coming up the driveway and I sprang into action, ready to pounce like a large cat. I yanked the door open with enough force to get some attention and started to light into him and no sooner got my mouth opened before I realized it was the wrong kid. It was my 21 yr old having just returned from camping for a couple of days. I was fully informed of his whereabouts and when he planned to return. So, we sat around and shot the breeze for a little while. I informed him of what his younger siblings were up to and he made me a bloody mary.
At 7:20, the two doghouse residents came crawling home with tales of how the car wouldn't start and the phone battery was dead and they couldn't call. The battle cry of testsosterone was written all over their faces. Well, the battle cry of estrogen is fixing to whoop up on their butts. I have studied the enemy and I know how to win, playing by their rules, which really pisses them off.
And here's the deal, she who controls the food, wins. It has been my practice to have a hot meal waiting for anyone who has to work and comes home from a hard day's work. I only cook one meal, but I make it good..and I mean GOOD and I make sure to make a plate for those that aren't home and they can heat it up. Guess what? That was a privilege. You're 18, you're a man...feed yourself, then. Oh, and that car you're driving, you're a man, give it back. Oh, and that insurance that you don't have to worry about, well, start worrying. I know how to answer the battle cry of testosterone. A little dose of reality usually cures that ill right away. Don't have to bitch, just have to point them to WHAT IS..the real world.
But, damn, I'm tired.
Friday, July 08, 2005
April 25, 1995
That was the day I had my first date with my husband. I was a single parent of one child and he was a single parent of three children. All boys. We were both in the Navy and I had just turned down orders to England so that I could extend my tour of duty to my end of obligated service and get out. I had already seen what a move did to a little guy and I just couldn't do it again. I had decided that he needed some stability in his life and I wasn't going to be able to provide it in the Navy anymore. The fact that they had announced the discontinuation of my rate and those that stayed were going to be required to crossrate and go out to sea.
My husband was there on limited duty, recovering from a total hip replacement.
About three weeks after we started dating, my ex-boyfriend decided to turn us in to the mother command for fraternizing. He was an E-8 and I was an E-5. The investigation led to Executive Officer's screening, where she decided if she thought the Captain needed to hear about it. Of course, she did. There were some serious cases of fraternization happening at the command, and we became the example. Right after XOI, we decided that the Navy wasn't going to decide whether we were going to be a family or not, so we got married. The next day we went to Captain's Mast and received our punishment. Captain's Mast was revealing. We were the talk of the command..not because we were dating..but because when we got our chance to apologize to the Captain (they always give you that chance) apparently, we used very nearly the same words. So much so that they thought we had rehearsed our speeches. Now THAT'S a connection.
So started our marriage. Two months after we got married, he had his second total hip replacement, and his parents came to stay. As well, I found myself pregnant. Six weeks later, he had a new hip and was feeling better than he had in years, I had a miscarriage and his parents went home.
Four months later, I got out of the Navy and started volunteering in the 9 yr old's reading class a couple of days a week. These kids got so attached to me that I wound up volunteering four days a week towards the end of the school year. The regular teacher's health was seriously failing, so whenever there was a substitute, I would just be there so the kids could have some consistancy. They were a group of kids that had LD's and not very much support at home. Sometimes I brought breakfast.
In January, I learned I was pregnant again and very scared. Things seemed to progress alright. I think it was February or so that we found out that my dad had cancer. Around the same time, my husband received a huge personal blow from his best friend, who called to say that his wife had just died of breast cancer.
My mother fell apart, which is not unusual. She did stuff and she would say that she was a paragon of strength, but the truth is, is that she wouldn't have been able to do anything without relying on me for advice and guidance, and anyone else around her. I was the one that had to make the decision for hospice. Well, my dad had to agree and that was so hard for him. God, I will never forget the look in his eyes when he realized that it was going to kill him. It took 3 years..three long agonizing years. I watched him be stripped of all his dignity, watched his life get stolen from him one thing at a time until he was left with nothing. I wouldn't want my worst enemy to die a death like that.
The farther my pregnancy progressed, the harder it got on me to keep up with the kids. I wound up having to rely on them to do all the household chores for me and sitting on the couch and visiting with them. I was able to get up long enough to fix meals. Those guys were troopers, too. One night, Sept. 26, 1996, there was a lunar eclipse scheduled and I had promised the oldest one I would watch it with him. He was feeling a little insecure with the new baby coming and his brother's birthday coming up. Sadly, at noon, I went into labor. Only it wasn't labor, it was a placenta tear. Somehow, I managed to pay all the bills for the month and help them with their homework while in labor. I do not remember, but I have ten cancelled checks for that day in my handwriting. How's that for multi-tasking?
I'm a little fuzzy on the birth except that I do remember pushing and then them telling me to stop and the next thing I know is that I'm in the OR where everything is all urgent sounding. Boy was I ever glad when they pressed the gas mask over my face. Apparently, I had a placenta tear and was hemoragging badly. I do remember my lips going numb and sleeping between contractions. The doctor told me the next day that the chance of infection was such that he wanted me to stay ten days. Now that was really depressing to me, I don't know why. So, I spent most of the day in my room alone. All the boys came later that evening and got to see the new baby and make sure I was ok.
The next day, I was really depressed. So, I got up and took a walk around the hospital to go have a cigarette. When I got back to my room, the doctor was there, worried to death because I hadn't told anybody where I was going. I told him I just needed a walk, for crying out loud, and after he learned where I went, he decided that I was good to go home. Yay!!!So, home the baby girl and I went and the next day it was business as usual. I had a birthday party to plan.
It turned out that there were some old friends of my parents in town, people that had been in my life all my life, so they came over to have a barbecue, too. My husband and I cooked our hearts out that day. There are pictures of me at this party, 3 days out of nearly dying in childbirth, standing there with a soda, visiting with friends. This party sticks out clearly in my mind because I didn't have any pain killers and my mother just let me slave over her and her friends and didn't lift a finger to help me. Oh, she wandered in the kitchen every so often and asked but when you are in the middle of fixing food for 15 people, if you have to stop and tell someone what they can do to help, they probably aren't going to be much of a help anyway. The questions I want to hear in a situation like that are, "Where are your knives, serving platters, etc?"
Two weeks after that, my husband went to Korea on a job. I still have staples in and my wonderful mother keeps calling me to remind me that I'm still not supposed to drive, nag, nag, nag. I didn't hear her volunteer or come up with a cost effective alternative to me getting to the grocery store to get food for these kids. She didn't go so far as to steal my car like they did when my first kid was born.
While my husband was in Korea, I took some time to do some homework on all the problems the kids had and work out a long range plan to get them on track. In the process of learning about their problems, I began to recognize myself and some of my own problems.
Two months after my daughter was born I was diagnosed with ADHD along with my oldest son and we went on medication treatment too. It didn't take long for me to realize that it wasn't working very well. I was edgy and cranky. I couldn't sleep and I was yelling at the kids all the time. We found out that my dad's cancer was back and that was very stressful.
Finally, one night, I thought I was having a nervous breakdown. It was probably a panic attack in retrospect but I had a prescription of anti-depressants that I hadn't taken yet so I tried one. It was like a miracle. Four hours later, my husband's buddy called to check on me and I felt so ...calm. It still hurt like hell but it was a manageable pain for the first time. Everything was in perspective for the first time in my life, ever. I was not losing my mind and completely trashing a room looking for something that I lost. I was able to slow my thinking down long enough to not panic. The difference was amazing. Much better for the kids.
The next year was rough. My husband was hardly ever home, we couldn't make any kind of plans to do anything because there was probably going to be an emergency call somewhere in the country that he was going to have to handle. I felt like a single parent of 5 except that the paycheck just kept showing up. And, I missed my husband so much. We finally were able to get on a schedule where he was commuting only to Atlanta on Monday -Thursday and home on the weekends. Sometimes on long weekends, I would drive down to Atlanta. I only did this a couple of times, because then he would feel obligated to drive me back safely, and then catch the plane back to Atlanta. One time doing this, he got to be home for exactly 20 min.
One of his visits home, my dad managed to pull him aside and told him that we needed to move. I cannot imagine how hard this was for my father, to tell my husband to take me and his beloved grandkids away. He loved those kids with all his heart. We took his advice and moved. It was good for the family. I got home every chance that I could and certainly when I was needed there. I was there to tell him that the Thalidimide was doing more harm than good to him and that it was time to let hospice do their thing. I can remember him asking me how I felt about him dying. I remember telling him that I felt like it wasn't real yet but how could I be angry with him for going and being with his own mother? It was cool, he had to do what he had to do. I know he wasn't really in pain when he died, the tumor was in such a place that he thought he could still walk and the thought that we were keeping him strapped to the bed.
By this time, I was taking all kinds of meds. I think the total at one point was Adderall, Dexedrine, Provigil, Paxil, Wellbutrin, Remeron, and Trazadone. To say that I was a walking zombie is an understatement. And, this was from ONE doctor. I said a few times that I didn't like how I was feeling and he wound up discharging me as a patient because I wouldn't take my medication properly. Go figure.
In 1999, my dad died. I don't remember much about that year.
In 2000, my husband couldn't stand the travelling anymore and neither could we as a family. It was taking it's toll on our relationship and on the kids and everyone. So, he found another job for another company that lasted until 2001. The owner of the company was in ill health and had come back to bail the company out of financial trouble and he decided the best place to cut the money was in the payroll. So, he did some house cleaning and becaue my husband was drawing a high salary without any seniority, he got the axe. At this point we decided to go into business for ourselves. That was just before 9/11.
Last year it all caught up with me and I tried to commit suicide. Now I am cleaning up the mess that I caused. The first thing I saw when I woke up was my husband's anguished face. The sight of his pain will haunt me forever because I did that. I will be ashamed forever that I ever caused him that pain. But, at the time, I honestly felt that if I were dead, then everyone would be better off. They finally figured out is that I had a psychotic episode brought on by PMS. It was like really, really, really extreme PMS. So, we're all a little paranoid when I PMS now because it doesn't happen all the time, just once in a while. I'm still analyzing what happened and how it happened. One thing is for sure, I have ingrained it in my mind that suicide is not an option. All I have to do is look at my sweet family and know. Much of my time is spent in reassuring them that they are not the cause of my sickness and that they didn't cause it. It's been a year now, so I'm pretty sure they believe me. The funny thing is, is that not long before that someone had told me to be careful of the light because too much light too fast will burn you. What she meant was that too much enlightenment can hurt the soul. I rushed myself to a conclusion about the state of my life before I was ready to deal with the consequences of that knowledge. I did this for a reason. I have a child that has experienced some of the same things in life with his own biological mother, and I have to be prepared to show him the way so that he doesn't hurt like I did. That's the long and short of it. Yes, he's going to feel the pain, but he's never going to feel the total guilt. All of this was going on a the same time as all of this. Now the state of my family is such that the kids are honor roll students, and those that aren't in school have full time jobs and are always looking for new opportunities. My husband doesn't have to travel anymore and that is the best.
We've had a reprieve for a few months now from major crises but I have a feeling that it's getting ready to go 'round again.
My husband was there on limited duty, recovering from a total hip replacement.
About three weeks after we started dating, my ex-boyfriend decided to turn us in to the mother command for fraternizing. He was an E-8 and I was an E-5. The investigation led to Executive Officer's screening, where she decided if she thought the Captain needed to hear about it. Of course, she did. There were some serious cases of fraternization happening at the command, and we became the example. Right after XOI, we decided that the Navy wasn't going to decide whether we were going to be a family or not, so we got married. The next day we went to Captain's Mast and received our punishment. Captain's Mast was revealing. We were the talk of the command..not because we were dating..but because when we got our chance to apologize to the Captain (they always give you that chance) apparently, we used very nearly the same words. So much so that they thought we had rehearsed our speeches. Now THAT'S a connection.
So started our marriage. Two months after we got married, he had his second total hip replacement, and his parents came to stay. As well, I found myself pregnant. Six weeks later, he had a new hip and was feeling better than he had in years, I had a miscarriage and his parents went home.
Four months later, I got out of the Navy and started volunteering in the 9 yr old's reading class a couple of days a week. These kids got so attached to me that I wound up volunteering four days a week towards the end of the school year. The regular teacher's health was seriously failing, so whenever there was a substitute, I would just be there so the kids could have some consistancy. They were a group of kids that had LD's and not very much support at home. Sometimes I brought breakfast.
In January, I learned I was pregnant again and very scared. Things seemed to progress alright. I think it was February or so that we found out that my dad had cancer. Around the same time, my husband received a huge personal blow from his best friend, who called to say that his wife had just died of breast cancer.
My mother fell apart, which is not unusual. She did stuff and she would say that she was a paragon of strength, but the truth is, is that she wouldn't have been able to do anything without relying on me for advice and guidance, and anyone else around her. I was the one that had to make the decision for hospice. Well, my dad had to agree and that was so hard for him. God, I will never forget the look in his eyes when he realized that it was going to kill him. It took 3 years..three long agonizing years. I watched him be stripped of all his dignity, watched his life get stolen from him one thing at a time until he was left with nothing. I wouldn't want my worst enemy to die a death like that.
The farther my pregnancy progressed, the harder it got on me to keep up with the kids. I wound up having to rely on them to do all the household chores for me and sitting on the couch and visiting with them. I was able to get up long enough to fix meals. Those guys were troopers, too. One night, Sept. 26, 1996, there was a lunar eclipse scheduled and I had promised the oldest one I would watch it with him. He was feeling a little insecure with the new baby coming and his brother's birthday coming up. Sadly, at noon, I went into labor. Only it wasn't labor, it was a placenta tear. Somehow, I managed to pay all the bills for the month and help them with their homework while in labor. I do not remember, but I have ten cancelled checks for that day in my handwriting. How's that for multi-tasking?
I'm a little fuzzy on the birth except that I do remember pushing and then them telling me to stop and the next thing I know is that I'm in the OR where everything is all urgent sounding. Boy was I ever glad when they pressed the gas mask over my face. Apparently, I had a placenta tear and was hemoragging badly. I do remember my lips going numb and sleeping between contractions. The doctor told me the next day that the chance of infection was such that he wanted me to stay ten days. Now that was really depressing to me, I don't know why. So, I spent most of the day in my room alone. All the boys came later that evening and got to see the new baby and make sure I was ok.
The next day, I was really depressed. So, I got up and took a walk around the hospital to go have a cigarette. When I got back to my room, the doctor was there, worried to death because I hadn't told anybody where I was going. I told him I just needed a walk, for crying out loud, and after he learned where I went, he decided that I was good to go home. Yay!!!So, home the baby girl and I went and the next day it was business as usual. I had a birthday party to plan.
It turned out that there were some old friends of my parents in town, people that had been in my life all my life, so they came over to have a barbecue, too. My husband and I cooked our hearts out that day. There are pictures of me at this party, 3 days out of nearly dying in childbirth, standing there with a soda, visiting with friends. This party sticks out clearly in my mind because I didn't have any pain killers and my mother just let me slave over her and her friends and didn't lift a finger to help me. Oh, she wandered in the kitchen every so often and asked but when you are in the middle of fixing food for 15 people, if you have to stop and tell someone what they can do to help, they probably aren't going to be much of a help anyway. The questions I want to hear in a situation like that are, "Where are your knives, serving platters, etc?"
Two weeks after that, my husband went to Korea on a job. I still have staples in and my wonderful mother keeps calling me to remind me that I'm still not supposed to drive, nag, nag, nag. I didn't hear her volunteer or come up with a cost effective alternative to me getting to the grocery store to get food for these kids. She didn't go so far as to steal my car like they did when my first kid was born.
While my husband was in Korea, I took some time to do some homework on all the problems the kids had and work out a long range plan to get them on track. In the process of learning about their problems, I began to recognize myself and some of my own problems.
Two months after my daughter was born I was diagnosed with ADHD along with my oldest son and we went on medication treatment too. It didn't take long for me to realize that it wasn't working very well. I was edgy and cranky. I couldn't sleep and I was yelling at the kids all the time. We found out that my dad's cancer was back and that was very stressful.
Finally, one night, I thought I was having a nervous breakdown. It was probably a panic attack in retrospect but I had a prescription of anti-depressants that I hadn't taken yet so I tried one. It was like a miracle. Four hours later, my husband's buddy called to check on me and I felt so ...calm. It still hurt like hell but it was a manageable pain for the first time. Everything was in perspective for the first time in my life, ever. I was not losing my mind and completely trashing a room looking for something that I lost. I was able to slow my thinking down long enough to not panic. The difference was amazing. Much better for the kids.
The next year was rough. My husband was hardly ever home, we couldn't make any kind of plans to do anything because there was probably going to be an emergency call somewhere in the country that he was going to have to handle. I felt like a single parent of 5 except that the paycheck just kept showing up. And, I missed my husband so much. We finally were able to get on a schedule where he was commuting only to Atlanta on Monday -Thursday and home on the weekends. Sometimes on long weekends, I would drive down to Atlanta. I only did this a couple of times, because then he would feel obligated to drive me back safely, and then catch the plane back to Atlanta. One time doing this, he got to be home for exactly 20 min.
One of his visits home, my dad managed to pull him aside and told him that we needed to move. I cannot imagine how hard this was for my father, to tell my husband to take me and his beloved grandkids away. He loved those kids with all his heart. We took his advice and moved. It was good for the family. I got home every chance that I could and certainly when I was needed there. I was there to tell him that the Thalidimide was doing more harm than good to him and that it was time to let hospice do their thing. I can remember him asking me how I felt about him dying. I remember telling him that I felt like it wasn't real yet but how could I be angry with him for going and being with his own mother? It was cool, he had to do what he had to do. I know he wasn't really in pain when he died, the tumor was in such a place that he thought he could still walk and the thought that we were keeping him strapped to the bed.
By this time, I was taking all kinds of meds. I think the total at one point was Adderall, Dexedrine, Provigil, Paxil, Wellbutrin, Remeron, and Trazadone. To say that I was a walking zombie is an understatement. And, this was from ONE doctor. I said a few times that I didn't like how I was feeling and he wound up discharging me as a patient because I wouldn't take my medication properly. Go figure.
In 1999, my dad died. I don't remember much about that year.
In 2000, my husband couldn't stand the travelling anymore and neither could we as a family. It was taking it's toll on our relationship and on the kids and everyone. So, he found another job for another company that lasted until 2001. The owner of the company was in ill health and had come back to bail the company out of financial trouble and he decided the best place to cut the money was in the payroll. So, he did some house cleaning and becaue my husband was drawing a high salary without any seniority, he got the axe. At this point we decided to go into business for ourselves. That was just before 9/11.
Last year it all caught up with me and I tried to commit suicide. Now I am cleaning up the mess that I caused. The first thing I saw when I woke up was my husband's anguished face. The sight of his pain will haunt me forever because I did that. I will be ashamed forever that I ever caused him that pain. But, at the time, I honestly felt that if I were dead, then everyone would be better off. They finally figured out is that I had a psychotic episode brought on by PMS. It was like really, really, really extreme PMS. So, we're all a little paranoid when I PMS now because it doesn't happen all the time, just once in a while. I'm still analyzing what happened and how it happened. One thing is for sure, I have ingrained it in my mind that suicide is not an option. All I have to do is look at my sweet family and know. Much of my time is spent in reassuring them that they are not the cause of my sickness and that they didn't cause it. It's been a year now, so I'm pretty sure they believe me. The funny thing is, is that not long before that someone had told me to be careful of the light because too much light too fast will burn you. What she meant was that too much enlightenment can hurt the soul. I rushed myself to a conclusion about the state of my life before I was ready to deal with the consequences of that knowledge. I did this for a reason. I have a child that has experienced some of the same things in life with his own biological mother, and I have to be prepared to show him the way so that he doesn't hurt like I did. That's the long and short of it. Yes, he's going to feel the pain, but he's never going to feel the total guilt. All of this was going on a the same time as all of this. Now the state of my family is such that the kids are honor roll students, and those that aren't in school have full time jobs and are always looking for new opportunities. My husband doesn't have to travel anymore and that is the best.
We've had a reprieve for a few months now from major crises but I have a feeling that it's getting ready to go 'round again.
Thursday, July 07, 2005
Contemplations
I wonder what it's like to be truly free. I don't mean in an anarchy kind of way; I mean free from being responsible for anyone but yourself, free from pain, emotional or physical. Is there such a thing?
The last time I remember being truly free, was as a child was when I was about 4 years old, before my brother was born.
When I was 19, I joined the Navy and got married for the first time. Eight out of the ten months that marriage lasted were spent in terror. The two months of reprieve that I got was due to my presence in boot camp. Needless to say, boot camp was a cake walk for me. I thrived in the atmosphere.
Things came to a head in A school when my ex-husband decided I was having an affair with the Captain and the XO of the command and held a .357 to my head all night one night. I was able to get away and call the proper authorities. It took 2 months of planning to be able to find a place to live that I could afford and that was away from where my ex-husband would be likely to find me. During that time, I was required to muster with the Command Master Chief every morning. I will be grateful to that man forever. Right after A school, I disappeared myself and filed for divorce. I dropped off the face of the earth except for those that were close to me. I was now 20 years old. In retrospect, the real reason the divorce had to happen was not because I didn't like him, which I didn't, but because I didn't like who I became with him. I became this ugly, hateful, mean, vindictive, bitch.
When I was 21, I met a man who worked with me. I quickly realized that we weren't meant to have a relationship; that his vision of a wife and my vision for my life weren't the same. But, not before I got pregnant. So, now I'm 22 and a single parent. People just could not understand why I didn't want to get married. My roommate had a lot of advice for me about how many women would kill to have a guy like that. I told her to have him then. She didn't want him either, so who was she to give me advice?
For the next 5 years, I raised my son and did my duty for the Navy. I was still a hater and a player, though. Not to brag, definitely not to brag, but I broke a few hearts along the way. That was what hurt me more than anything else, living with myself, knowing that I hurt people. So, I began the process of being true to myself and honest. It was hard to do after living a certain way for so many years. I wanted my son to have respect for women. I didn't want him to have a woman do to him what I have done to men. I wanted to have respect for myself and be able to look him in the eye. Hell, I wanted to be able to look in the mirror.
My first goal in the process was practice a 'turn the other cheek' kind of attitude and quit practicing 'an eye for an eye' kind of attitude. In other words, if they weren't hitting me or shooting at me, I could put aside whatever feelings I had with other issues, such as cheating and lying, and just recognize that I couldn't live with that kind of behavior and move on instead of feeling the need to get even. I quit being so involved with what other people were doing with their lives, except in a detached kind of way, in order to be able to take the lesson from it.
With that new attitude, things just became easier. It was pretty soon that I met my husband in the smoking area at work. He, too, was a struggling single parent and we both just happened to have a sitter for the evening. It was officially an interview to see if we would make good beer drinking buddies. Each of us proclaimed our unwillingness to enter into a marriage. These last ten years have been equally enlightening and healing to the point that I can almost visualize myself free from emotional pain. I just wish that I had had a chance on my own to figure out how to take care of myself properly so that I could have done a better job in the earlier years of taking care of my family properly.
I have to say that though my geographical freedom has been severely cut by the number of kids and responsibilities here at home, my emotional and creative freedom has increased doubly and sometimes it's not about what you can do, but what you can dream about doing. If you can't dream it, you can't do it. This period of time in my life, I am finally able to have a dream. Now, that's freedom.
The last time I remember being truly free, was as a child was when I was about 4 years old, before my brother was born.
When I was 19, I joined the Navy and got married for the first time. Eight out of the ten months that marriage lasted were spent in terror. The two months of reprieve that I got was due to my presence in boot camp. Needless to say, boot camp was a cake walk for me. I thrived in the atmosphere.
Things came to a head in A school when my ex-husband decided I was having an affair with the Captain and the XO of the command and held a .357 to my head all night one night. I was able to get away and call the proper authorities. It took 2 months of planning to be able to find a place to live that I could afford and that was away from where my ex-husband would be likely to find me. During that time, I was required to muster with the Command Master Chief every morning. I will be grateful to that man forever. Right after A school, I disappeared myself and filed for divorce. I dropped off the face of the earth except for those that were close to me. I was now 20 years old. In retrospect, the real reason the divorce had to happen was not because I didn't like him, which I didn't, but because I didn't like who I became with him. I became this ugly, hateful, mean, vindictive, bitch.
When I was 21, I met a man who worked with me. I quickly realized that we weren't meant to have a relationship; that his vision of a wife and my vision for my life weren't the same. But, not before I got pregnant. So, now I'm 22 and a single parent. People just could not understand why I didn't want to get married. My roommate had a lot of advice for me about how many women would kill to have a guy like that. I told her to have him then. She didn't want him either, so who was she to give me advice?
For the next 5 years, I raised my son and did my duty for the Navy. I was still a hater and a player, though. Not to brag, definitely not to brag, but I broke a few hearts along the way. That was what hurt me more than anything else, living with myself, knowing that I hurt people. So, I began the process of being true to myself and honest. It was hard to do after living a certain way for so many years. I wanted my son to have respect for women. I didn't want him to have a woman do to him what I have done to men. I wanted to have respect for myself and be able to look him in the eye. Hell, I wanted to be able to look in the mirror.
My first goal in the process was practice a 'turn the other cheek' kind of attitude and quit practicing 'an eye for an eye' kind of attitude. In other words, if they weren't hitting me or shooting at me, I could put aside whatever feelings I had with other issues, such as cheating and lying, and just recognize that I couldn't live with that kind of behavior and move on instead of feeling the need to get even. I quit being so involved with what other people were doing with their lives, except in a detached kind of way, in order to be able to take the lesson from it.
With that new attitude, things just became easier. It was pretty soon that I met my husband in the smoking area at work. He, too, was a struggling single parent and we both just happened to have a sitter for the evening. It was officially an interview to see if we would make good beer drinking buddies. Each of us proclaimed our unwillingness to enter into a marriage. These last ten years have been equally enlightening and healing to the point that I can almost visualize myself free from emotional pain. I just wish that I had had a chance on my own to figure out how to take care of myself properly so that I could have done a better job in the earlier years of taking care of my family properly.
I have to say that though my geographical freedom has been severely cut by the number of kids and responsibilities here at home, my emotional and creative freedom has increased doubly and sometimes it's not about what you can do, but what you can dream about doing. If you can't dream it, you can't do it. This period of time in my life, I am finally able to have a dream. Now, that's freedom.
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
Cattails
Ever watch a child at play? A mere cattail becomes first a broom, then a flag carried into battle and an olympic torch carried by a champion.
After sweeping his castle, leading the troops to victory, and then winning the gold medal for his country, the cattail then becomes a sword to slay any dragons that might threaten his fair lady.
At last, when it has done it's duty, the stem broken in two places, bald of the feathery softnes, it finally becomes a beautiful rose and a token of the admiration a 4 year old has for his mother.
After sweeping his castle, leading the troops to victory, and then winning the gold medal for his country, the cattail then becomes a sword to slay any dragons that might threaten his fair lady.
At last, when it has done it's duty, the stem broken in two places, bald of the feathery softnes, it finally becomes a beautiful rose and a token of the admiration a 4 year old has for his mother.
Look at the Numbers
This article kust makes me wonder what people are thinking. Bright ideas like this bring it all crashing back like a long forgotten flashback.
Things That Make You Wonder
Why do little boys resist the shower so much? Good Lord, if I didn't have to have an inspection line when the 4 older ones were younger. They would try every trick in the book, such as, get in and get wet. I would make them line up so I could check them over and smell their hair. It's the hair washing more than anything that gets them.
I had one that would only wash the top of his head where he thought I was going to smell. And think of every excuse in the book as to why they can't take a shower..heard them.
Thankfully, they outgrow this. They outgrow it to the point now that my water bill is horrendous because they feel the need to make up for lost time or something and they all have to have 2 or 3 showers a day.
It's kind of wierd having both age groups living in the house at the same time. Sometimes I get confused as to what issue I am dealing with with what kid. It really sucks when I start yelling at the 21 yr old about taking a shower and telling the 7 yr old not to worry that his girlfriend broke up with him.
Today the little dude is really having a rough day. We've pretty much been in a power struggle all morning about the shower issue. We've run through the excuses until I've had enough and he turns those big blue eyes on me and says "Well, you don't have to YELL at me! You don't have to say it like THAT!" To which I replied, "Well, apparently I DO because it isn't done yet, now is it?" He pretty much convinced me that he needs a nap. Well, I need him to have a nap, so therefore, he needs one. Everyone else in the family is on this consensus, too.
Since I started writing this little story, I have been interrupted no less that 6 times for various different reasons. One needed help filling out a job application, one needed help making a sandwich, the little dude factor, a couple of them needed some mediation in a conversation. A little bit of sibling rivalry to oversee. You'd swear everyone spoke a different language around here.
When Mom speaks, everyone listens.
I had one that would only wash the top of his head where he thought I was going to smell. And think of every excuse in the book as to why they can't take a shower..heard them.
Thankfully, they outgrow this. They outgrow it to the point now that my water bill is horrendous because they feel the need to make up for lost time or something and they all have to have 2 or 3 showers a day.
It's kind of wierd having both age groups living in the house at the same time. Sometimes I get confused as to what issue I am dealing with with what kid. It really sucks when I start yelling at the 21 yr old about taking a shower and telling the 7 yr old not to worry that his girlfriend broke up with him.
Today the little dude is really having a rough day. We've pretty much been in a power struggle all morning about the shower issue. We've run through the excuses until I've had enough and he turns those big blue eyes on me and says "Well, you don't have to YELL at me! You don't have to say it like THAT!" To which I replied, "Well, apparently I DO because it isn't done yet, now is it?" He pretty much convinced me that he needs a nap. Well, I need him to have a nap, so therefore, he needs one. Everyone else in the family is on this consensus, too.
Since I started writing this little story, I have been interrupted no less that 6 times for various different reasons. One needed help filling out a job application, one needed help making a sandwich, the little dude factor, a couple of them needed some mediation in a conversation. A little bit of sibling rivalry to oversee. You'd swear everyone spoke a different language around here.
When Mom speaks, everyone listens.
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
5th of July
I am sitting here tired from the weekend festivities and contemplating that there are certain occupations that require you not only to be away from your family during any holiday, but involved in dealing with the dredges of the human race, trying to help people that don't want to be helped, being cussed out, spat upon and just generally screwed with in ways that most people can't imagine.
I am talking about our nation's police officers, firemen, and emergency room workers. While we were barbecuing, how many domestic violence scenes were they called to, fired did they put out, burns did they heal? How many babies did they have to rescue from meth labs? How many people shot at them, tried to bite, hit or otherwise do bodily damage to them on this nation's day of celebration?
So, to them I say thank you. Without you, the vision that our founding fathers had would not be alive today. Thank you for continuing their work. Thank you for doing what you do every single day without complaint and with hope for the human race still alive in your heart. As a citizen, I pledge to you to do my part to make your job easier and encourage others to do the same. Thanks for watching our back. You are appreciated, though you may not know it. Thank you for risking your life every single day in order to protect our freedoms. Just...Thank you.
I am talking about our nation's police officers, firemen, and emergency room workers. While we were barbecuing, how many domestic violence scenes were they called to, fired did they put out, burns did they heal? How many babies did they have to rescue from meth labs? How many people shot at them, tried to bite, hit or otherwise do bodily damage to them on this nation's day of celebration?
So, to them I say thank you. Without you, the vision that our founding fathers had would not be alive today. Thank you for continuing their work. Thank you for doing what you do every single day without complaint and with hope for the human race still alive in your heart. As a citizen, I pledge to you to do my part to make your job easier and encourage others to do the same. Thanks for watching our back. You are appreciated, though you may not know it. Thank you for risking your life every single day in order to protect our freedoms. Just...Thank you.
Saturday, July 02, 2005
Little Dude
Little Dude is the youngest of 6 kids. All his life he's been trying to keep up with his older brothers, who are teenagers. He has these blue eyes that are reminiscent of Santa Claus with their twinkle. I hope he never loses that twinkle of mischievousness and that exuberance for life.
Little Dude is one of those kids who is just happy. He bounds down the stairs in the morning, his blond, curly, hair tousled from sleep, with an ear splitting grin. He's ready to conquer the world at 6:30am. This morning, he announced that he was "Just happy!" I asked him how come he was happy and he launched himself into my lap, wrapped his still baby soft arms tight around my neck and said, "Because every morning when I wake up, you are right there and I just love you and that makes me happy."
Then, he leapt off my lap and ran into the kitchen to get himself a bowl of cereal and watch cartoons.
You know what? I think I'm "Just happy" today too.
(In an odd kind of way, he reminds me a lot of a little Kevin Harvick because when he's not happy, that face can look like a storm cloud.)
Little Dude is one of those kids who is just happy. He bounds down the stairs in the morning, his blond, curly, hair tousled from sleep, with an ear splitting grin. He's ready to conquer the world at 6:30am. This morning, he announced that he was "Just happy!" I asked him how come he was happy and he launched himself into my lap, wrapped his still baby soft arms tight around my neck and said, "Because every morning when I wake up, you are right there and I just love you and that makes me happy."
Then, he leapt off my lap and ran into the kitchen to get himself a bowl of cereal and watch cartoons.
You know what? I think I'm "Just happy" today too.
(In an odd kind of way, he reminds me a lot of a little Kevin Harvick because when he's not happy, that face can look like a storm cloud.)
Book Review
I just finished reading this book, called Shadow Divers. I don't normally go for non-fiction for pleasure reading, but this book had me riveted from the first page.
After all these years, any kind of story about a submarine will catch my attention. It's an obligation to watch over their safety that will never go away. The guys who found the U-boat, apparently hosts Deep Sea Detectives, as well. They have gone on to do more impressive things.
Anyway, I learned so much from this book. My husband had to listen to me go on and on about the effects of narcosis and diving techniques and the stuff I learned about fishing is probably well known to a lot of people but I did not know.
The intense type of personality that would undergo this kind of work has always been fascinating to me.
I highly recommend this book. There is a bit of WWII history in there, as well.
After all these years, any kind of story about a submarine will catch my attention. It's an obligation to watch over their safety that will never go away. The guys who found the U-boat, apparently hosts Deep Sea Detectives, as well. They have gone on to do more impressive things.
Anyway, I learned so much from this book. My husband had to listen to me go on and on about the effects of narcosis and diving techniques and the stuff I learned about fishing is probably well known to a lot of people but I did not know.
The intense type of personality that would undergo this kind of work has always been fascinating to me.
I highly recommend this book. There is a bit of WWII history in there, as well.
Friday, July 01, 2005
Blog Sister
Hey, y'all myBlog Sister is a really cool person. Give her a read sometime and say a nice thing or two. I love her writing style and the way she makes her points to eloquently. I have even had to have a chuckle or two! So stop on by and say hey, k?
Friends That Are Still Strangers
You meet 'em everywhere. One I'm thinking of in particular is a regular at the gas station I used to go to.
I never had a whole conversation with him..just a meeting of minds through the eye contact. It was comforting to go there and see a familiar face, you know?
Well, I go to a different gas station now. One that is closer to my house. It used to be the one I went to all the time, but I had to go to the other one when it closed down. The company that ran it went out of business. But a new guy finally bought it and he's a super guy! A neighbor.
Anyway, I just ran down there to grab a pack of smokes and 6-pack (it's Friday, the sun is up over the yardarm)and there is the dude from the other gas station. And not only does HE recognize me by face, but apparently by vehicle too. Now, the only thing I ever remember driving over to the old place is the Camaro. And that car just grabs people's attention..not sure why..I've explained about this car before. I have had people in the grocery store parking lot come up and offer me money for it though..no lie.
So, here we are and this dude and I are talking like we've known each other for years..which we have in a way. It's small talk ..about smoking and drinking..and he mentions that he smokes the same cigarettes as me. Didn't know that. I mentioned that I am trying to quit. Then we have a whole discussion about that...the coughing..and then he said he wondered how come I parked way across the parking lot until he noticed that the parking lot was blocked by the beer delivery truck. Hmm..now I'm nervous because I've only been driving this particular vehicle for a month. Well, nervous is a bad word. It took me off guard, we'll put it like that. It surprised me. I don't really feel threatened or anything..that would be more appropriate for nervous. It's just wierd. I was happy to see this guy, too. Happy to know that he was still in the world.
I would have to count him a friend of sorts, you know? Or maybe I'm just wierd and need a real life.
I never had a whole conversation with him..just a meeting of minds through the eye contact. It was comforting to go there and see a familiar face, you know?
Well, I go to a different gas station now. One that is closer to my house. It used to be the one I went to all the time, but I had to go to the other one when it closed down. The company that ran it went out of business. But a new guy finally bought it and he's a super guy! A neighbor.
Anyway, I just ran down there to grab a pack of smokes and 6-pack (it's Friday, the sun is up over the yardarm)and there is the dude from the other gas station. And not only does HE recognize me by face, but apparently by vehicle too. Now, the only thing I ever remember driving over to the old place is the Camaro. And that car just grabs people's attention..not sure why..I've explained about this car before. I have had people in the grocery store parking lot come up and offer me money for it though..no lie.
So, here we are and this dude and I are talking like we've known each other for years..which we have in a way. It's small talk ..about smoking and drinking..and he mentions that he smokes the same cigarettes as me. Didn't know that. I mentioned that I am trying to quit. Then we have a whole discussion about that...the coughing..and then he said he wondered how come I parked way across the parking lot until he noticed that the parking lot was blocked by the beer delivery truck. Hmm..now I'm nervous because I've only been driving this particular vehicle for a month. Well, nervous is a bad word. It took me off guard, we'll put it like that. It surprised me. I don't really feel threatened or anything..that would be more appropriate for nervous. It's just wierd. I was happy to see this guy, too. Happy to know that he was still in the world.
I would have to count him a friend of sorts, you know? Or maybe I'm just wierd and need a real life.
My Dad
I miss my dad. When he died, it was like my whole family died. It's wierd, but he died about 7 months before Dale Sr. So, I can never think of one without thinking of the other.
What I realize the most about my dad is that if he had married a woman that loved and supported him like Dale's wife did and still does for him, then he could have been great, too. But, that's a different story.
I can remember thinking that it was ok if my Dad was dead if Dale Sr. was still in the world, even if I didn't know him. This was after I had attended the grand opening of the local racing simulator in the mall near here. My dad kind of looked like him and definitely had a very similar personality. Intimidating as hell on the outside, but on the inside, just as big-hearted and kind, non-judgemental, loving man you would ever meet. And shy. Larger than life!
I am very grateful that he got to at least meet all of his grandchildren before he died and he got to feed both the little ones their first bite of ice cream.
The best piece of advice that my dad ever gave me came following a tearful phone call that ANOTHER boyfriend had broken up with me. He said, "Girl, if you find yourself running with assholes look in the mirror." That one statement hurt me and pissed me off so bad..but he was right and it resonated so much with the truth that I couldn't get it out of my head and it was life changing. I was about 25 at the time.
I find now that whenever someone has a problem that is too big for me to handle, some of those sayings he used to say and the accompanying stories spring to mind as if he is there, whispering in my shoulder. Another of his favorites was "If you can't run with the big dogs, get off the porch."
He and my husband got along famously. They didn't know each other long before my dad got sick. The first year of our marriage was spent getting to know him through hospital visits and heart to heart talks. I knew I had married the right man when he took a tape of the NASCAR race over to the hospital, stole a tv and vcr, and watched the tape of the race with my dad.
I wish I knew now what I didn't know when my dad was alive. But, in my heart, I know he knows.
Right after he died, I had a dream. In this dream, my husband and kids dropped me off in a parking lot. In this parking lot, was a screen that only I was being allowed to see. My husband couldn't see it, though he believed it was there. I spent like 5 min sticking my arm through this thing watching it disappear. I knew it was a doorway to where my father was. He was standing there waiting for me and he got irritated with my fascination with the screen thing (for lack of a better word) and he told me to come in or not but make up my mind because we didn't have all the time in the world. So, I waved to my family, stepped through the screen where the scenery, what I remember of it was GREEN...and I mean, lush like no place I have ever seen before. We were sitting on some lawn chairs on this grass, and we just had a normal conversation. He asked me about the kids and I filled him in on all the little stuff and we were eating ice cream. That was our thing. And, I asked how he was and he gave me the twinkle and the grin and told me it was great! And, then our time was up. He said, well, kiddo, I'm going fishing. I sat in my chair and watched him disappear around the bend in the path and I got up and went out the screen and felt like it was real. This was the realest dream I have ever had...and truth be told, I don't think it was a dream.
The last time I went to NC, I found some key chains that he had made in his workshop. He used to tie monkey's fists and some other knot and make keychains out of them. I brought them home and put them in the kids' stockings and it was like they got a Christmas present from their Granddad that year.
My dad is the reason I live where I live. When my husband got out of the Navy, apparently he and my dad had a conversation about whether to stay and live where we were living or move and seek our fortunes elsewhere. My dad, already knowing that he was dying of cancer, told my husband that we needed to move here. He was right. We would not have been able to make the money or have the opportunities we have had right here.
I don't know if I'm going to be able to convey how hard it was to make this move. I had a lot of guilt for a long time. Not because I didn't know it was the right thing to do...because it was for the living members of the family. But my dad was dying, you know? The kids have thrived here where they wouldn't have where we were. But still. The true import of his unselfishness of that statement and meaning it..has made me want to work all the harder in order to maximize the opportunities here and to make not be for nothing. We would have NEVER moved if he hadn't said to. He knew it and how in the hell do you repay that? I can never repay him or even say thank you properly except by living my life in a way that I know makes him proud.
I have a lot more stories about my Dad. Maybe someday it won't hurt to tell them.
What I realize the most about my dad is that if he had married a woman that loved and supported him like Dale's wife did and still does for him, then he could have been great, too. But, that's a different story.
I can remember thinking that it was ok if my Dad was dead if Dale Sr. was still in the world, even if I didn't know him. This was after I had attended the grand opening of the local racing simulator in the mall near here. My dad kind of looked like him and definitely had a very similar personality. Intimidating as hell on the outside, but on the inside, just as big-hearted and kind, non-judgemental, loving man you would ever meet. And shy. Larger than life!
I am very grateful that he got to at least meet all of his grandchildren before he died and he got to feed both the little ones their first bite of ice cream.
The best piece of advice that my dad ever gave me came following a tearful phone call that ANOTHER boyfriend had broken up with me. He said, "Girl, if you find yourself running with assholes look in the mirror." That one statement hurt me and pissed me off so bad..but he was right and it resonated so much with the truth that I couldn't get it out of my head and it was life changing. I was about 25 at the time.
I find now that whenever someone has a problem that is too big for me to handle, some of those sayings he used to say and the accompanying stories spring to mind as if he is there, whispering in my shoulder. Another of his favorites was "If you can't run with the big dogs, get off the porch."
He and my husband got along famously. They didn't know each other long before my dad got sick. The first year of our marriage was spent getting to know him through hospital visits and heart to heart talks. I knew I had married the right man when he took a tape of the NASCAR race over to the hospital, stole a tv and vcr, and watched the tape of the race with my dad.
I wish I knew now what I didn't know when my dad was alive. But, in my heart, I know he knows.
Right after he died, I had a dream. In this dream, my husband and kids dropped me off in a parking lot. In this parking lot, was a screen that only I was being allowed to see. My husband couldn't see it, though he believed it was there. I spent like 5 min sticking my arm through this thing watching it disappear. I knew it was a doorway to where my father was. He was standing there waiting for me and he got irritated with my fascination with the screen thing (for lack of a better word) and he told me to come in or not but make up my mind because we didn't have all the time in the world. So, I waved to my family, stepped through the screen where the scenery, what I remember of it was GREEN...and I mean, lush like no place I have ever seen before. We were sitting on some lawn chairs on this grass, and we just had a normal conversation. He asked me about the kids and I filled him in on all the little stuff and we were eating ice cream. That was our thing. And, I asked how he was and he gave me the twinkle and the grin and told me it was great! And, then our time was up. He said, well, kiddo, I'm going fishing. I sat in my chair and watched him disappear around the bend in the path and I got up and went out the screen and felt like it was real. This was the realest dream I have ever had...and truth be told, I don't think it was a dream.
The last time I went to NC, I found some key chains that he had made in his workshop. He used to tie monkey's fists and some other knot and make keychains out of them. I brought them home and put them in the kids' stockings and it was like they got a Christmas present from their Granddad that year.
My dad is the reason I live where I live. When my husband got out of the Navy, apparently he and my dad had a conversation about whether to stay and live where we were living or move and seek our fortunes elsewhere. My dad, already knowing that he was dying of cancer, told my husband that we needed to move here. He was right. We would not have been able to make the money or have the opportunities we have had right here.
I don't know if I'm going to be able to convey how hard it was to make this move. I had a lot of guilt for a long time. Not because I didn't know it was the right thing to do...because it was for the living members of the family. But my dad was dying, you know? The kids have thrived here where they wouldn't have where we were. But still. The true import of his unselfishness of that statement and meaning it..has made me want to work all the harder in order to maximize the opportunities here and to make not be for nothing. We would have NEVER moved if he hadn't said to. He knew it and how in the hell do you repay that? I can never repay him or even say thank you properly except by living my life in a way that I know makes him proud.
I have a lot more stories about my Dad. Maybe someday it won't hurt to tell them.
Recurring Themes- raw thinking out loud
Do you ever encounter a recurring theme in your life that you just blow off over and over again?
Let me explain. Ever since I was a little girl, teachers, parents, friends,..hell, complete strangers have told me that I have a gift for words. High school was the first time I can recall it being suggested that I be a writer. And I wrote in high school. My interests lie in math and science, though. I was taking chemistry, algebra II, and BASIC programming in the 10th grade. I probably didn't develop my talent (?) with writing because I was very weak with math and science and didn't quit until I had a thorough understanding. I took all the way up to calculus and physics. I have a real natural understanding and talent for physics, too. Found that out in the Navy. Oddly enough, in the Navy, they didn't consider me to be a 'good' writer. The writing there was different though and the language was very specific. I really didn't like having my vocabulary cut down so much.
I did a lot of writing in the training division..of a test type variety, so I guess that doesn't count.
Over the last 7 years, since my main form of communication has been through writing, I have heard it a LOT.
For the past few years, I have picked a few writers that really move my emotions and have studied their writing styles. I have noted what I like and what I don't like as well as the subject matter. Scientology aside, Battlefield Earth, by L. Ron Hubbard is a masterpiece. Gone With The Windis another one. As well as The Vampire Chronicles by Anne Rice and we can't leave out J.K Rowling and the Harry Potter series(more on this later) or Pat Conroy. There are more, but those have had the most notable influence on me.
I got involved with an online group of writers and heard it from them, as well. Some of those ladies are the ones who encouraged me to start this. I have to go back and report my success every so often..LOL!
So, I finally got the message and started this blog. I am pleased with the outcome but I find myself oddly dissatisfied and nervous.
The other night during the garage session where all of the thinking takes place especially between me and the old man, we were discussing different types of writing..fiction vs. non-fiction etc. I found myself blurting out that I really, really want to learn to write fiction. The reason for this is I do have a message to send, things to say, but I want to be able to reach a wider audience. I want to be able to speak to ALL people and the only way you can do that is to depersonalize yourself from your work enough to make the message shine clear but protect the privacy of the people involved with the realization of the message.
Here's the scary part. I have never before in my life been able to visualize success at anything and I have found myself thinking in terms of big success with writing and I have absolutely no basis for that belief. Yes, it's been a recurring theme..but it's also easy and that is what is messing with my head. It's too easy. I have never had anything in my life come to me easily. Maybe that has to do with choices? Hmmm. Have to ponder that later.
So, the next step is what? I think the discipline I have been able to instill in myself to write at the same time every day has been a good one. The kids are starting to know when I'm gearing up to write because I didn't realize it but when I'm thinking, I stuff earplugs in my ears and pace the entire length of the house and sometimes the yard several times before I sit down and get going. Sometimes the first couple of paragraphs are like that.
The first time I kind of knew it could happen was when I started writing in my notebook. (I did have a reason for the title of the blog..LOL) That was an epiphany because I knew that if I could write a story sitting on the john with people banging on the door, I could write anywhere. It was a comforting thought.
So, now I have my goal. Next I need to figure out how to get there. For the rest of the summer, I'm just going to do what I do. I may be able to pull some of these old posts out here and organize them into themes..which there are. I need more organization..I like some blogs that have different categories for their files instead of this randomness. I do notice that you are only as good as your last post.
Any ideas anyone?
Let me explain. Ever since I was a little girl, teachers, parents, friends,..hell, complete strangers have told me that I have a gift for words. High school was the first time I can recall it being suggested that I be a writer. And I wrote in high school. My interests lie in math and science, though. I was taking chemistry, algebra II, and BASIC programming in the 10th grade. I probably didn't develop my talent (?) with writing because I was very weak with math and science and didn't quit until I had a thorough understanding. I took all the way up to calculus and physics. I have a real natural understanding and talent for physics, too. Found that out in the Navy. Oddly enough, in the Navy, they didn't consider me to be a 'good' writer. The writing there was different though and the language was very specific. I really didn't like having my vocabulary cut down so much.
I did a lot of writing in the training division..of a test type variety, so I guess that doesn't count.
Over the last 7 years, since my main form of communication has been through writing, I have heard it a LOT.
For the past few years, I have picked a few writers that really move my emotions and have studied their writing styles. I have noted what I like and what I don't like as well as the subject matter. Scientology aside, Battlefield Earth, by L. Ron Hubbard is a masterpiece. Gone With The Windis another one. As well as The Vampire Chronicles by Anne Rice and we can't leave out J.K Rowling and the Harry Potter series(more on this later) or Pat Conroy. There are more, but those have had the most notable influence on me.
I got involved with an online group of writers and heard it from them, as well. Some of those ladies are the ones who encouraged me to start this. I have to go back and report my success every so often..LOL!
So, I finally got the message and started this blog. I am pleased with the outcome but I find myself oddly dissatisfied and nervous.
The other night during the garage session where all of the thinking takes place especially between me and the old man, we were discussing different types of writing..fiction vs. non-fiction etc. I found myself blurting out that I really, really want to learn to write fiction. The reason for this is I do have a message to send, things to say, but I want to be able to reach a wider audience. I want to be able to speak to ALL people and the only way you can do that is to depersonalize yourself from your work enough to make the message shine clear but protect the privacy of the people involved with the realization of the message.
Here's the scary part. I have never before in my life been able to visualize success at anything and I have found myself thinking in terms of big success with writing and I have absolutely no basis for that belief. Yes, it's been a recurring theme..but it's also easy and that is what is messing with my head. It's too easy. I have never had anything in my life come to me easily. Maybe that has to do with choices? Hmmm. Have to ponder that later.
So, the next step is what? I think the discipline I have been able to instill in myself to write at the same time every day has been a good one. The kids are starting to know when I'm gearing up to write because I didn't realize it but when I'm thinking, I stuff earplugs in my ears and pace the entire length of the house and sometimes the yard several times before I sit down and get going. Sometimes the first couple of paragraphs are like that.
The first time I kind of knew it could happen was when I started writing in my notebook. (I did have a reason for the title of the blog..LOL) That was an epiphany because I knew that if I could write a story sitting on the john with people banging on the door, I could write anywhere. It was a comforting thought.
So, now I have my goal. Next I need to figure out how to get there. For the rest of the summer, I'm just going to do what I do. I may be able to pull some of these old posts out here and organize them into themes..which there are. I need more organization..I like some blogs that have different categories for their files instead of this randomness. I do notice that you are only as good as your last post.
Any ideas anyone?
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