Number, numbers...

I thought it was funny when GuyK followed the complete train of thought that the senior chief and I had the other day.

Here's just one more example. Progress reports came out the other day. My daughter is on the A/B honor roll...or is she? In my book, she wouldn't have been, but hey, it's all in how they weight the numbers. Tests are only worth 10 percent of the total grade, the rest is made up of homework and classwork. Because she's diligent, she has all good grades on her homework and classwork, but her test scores are abysmal. So, the way I see it, she's getting graded for effort, not knowledge. Which sucks, doesn't it? They don't usually send home the grade sheets with a breakdown but they did this time. We are just going to study harder for the tests, but my point here is that her A/B honor roll is a little misleading.

Tonight, we are having a party of sorts. A short one, to be sure, since it is during the week, but there will be candy and treats and scary movies. The little people aren't in to all that gore and whatnot. I remember one year we went all theatrical with the costumes and she didn't like that not one little bit and her older brothers were not cool at all with her not wanting to hug them and her being afraid of them. So, I have to go search the archives for a scary movie that was scary ..for it's time, but not so scary anymore. I know there's got to be an old black and white vampire flick out there or something along those lines. We watched Nanny McPhee a few weeks ago and that was...kind of sucky, really.

It would also appear that I am at least two percent smarter than my computer as I figured out how to retrieve my email without all the hassle. Yahoo!! Happy Halloween!!

Mondays Suck

My Monday started last night, too. I rarely do stupid shit anymore, but when I do, I do it big. I do not know what I was thinking..oh, I know, I didn't have the proper cd in the car. I know, wierd, huh. Have I mentioned that some doctor somewhere thinks I have OCD? Yeah, I suppose, we all do...only we used to call them "quirks"

Anyway, I lost my damn cash card last night...left it right in the machine. Oh well, I needed a new one anyway, but it's a bitch getting along without that thing. I had my whole day planned and with some ingenious thinking on the senior chief's part, I largely got to carry out my plan. That's another thing, once I have a plan, that is it. If anybody tries to interject last minute this and that in my plan, I will have a hissy fit like no tomorrow. It takes me forever to make the plan in the first place because I have to think about everything, so once I finally get a plan in effect...do not even think you are going to change it...ugh. Drives me bananas, Monk style. Rigid, unbending and lacking in ability to be spontaneous is what it used to be labeled. Now, it's just the way I want things, and that counts too, dammit. Ha! Ha!

Oh, and then, I am thinking my internet connection is screwed up somehow...all day...because well, I don't have cable that is new enough to support a broadband connection and I went broadband through the whole house. Saves a ton of money, makes things easier. That was the plan anyway. Ha. The only game in town and honey, they suck. But this time, it wasn't them...it was my email provider, I guess. I think they were upgrading their software or some damn thing...it just kept hanging on up...where I could see how many emails I have waiting, but not who they are from, and well, dammit. Probably one of them is from them telling me that I'm going to be having problems....obviously it's not my internet connection because here I am, but when that was hanging up, it affected the connection. Wierd, huh?

I had some profound stuff to say today, but in all the hullabaloo of my brain cells deciding that really, they just weren't going to play on the same damn team today and there's really not a damn thing I can do about it. I hate it when that happens.

The morning..that was great though. My niece called me and we had a nice talk. Man, I love that girl. We're like ..sisters, really. We're getting geared up for a trip to Texas and me and her are going to celebrate our birthdays together. We have birthdays like a week apart, so it's always fun. Her daughter and my daughter are tight like that too. It was a real pick me up to talk to her, really. I picked the next book for her to read...hehe....

Oh yeah, and one of my kids I haven't seen in awhile stopped by last night. I love this one too. He took my only copy of Atlas Shrugged and he's going to read it and get back to me. I didn't even have to twist his arm...the last book I went on and on about, Battlefield Earth, blew him away, so he was all over that. I like sharing books with people, it's just so fun! I get into a book when I'm reading it too. No half assed shit here, if I cannot immerse myself in it, well, what's the point. Currently, I decided to go back and reread Gone With The Wind. It's one I like to read every so often. I like the movie, too, but the book has that little something extra. For my birthday, I am going to order some new books to read..woo hoo!!!

Anyhoo...off to fix the supper....

Size Matters

Yep, it surely does. Those of you who have actually met me, probably understand a little better that my no spanking policy or whatever, has no particular ...political...motivation. It is merely a policy adopted by actual practical necessity.

That is part of what makes people three dimensional, really. Understanding their perspective from their size. It's a fact, smaller people look at the world closer up, I mean, we've all seen Ants, right?

Being a small person does influence my views on things. I looked at the man I was married to, saw that his kids were already taller than me, and decided that spanking just wasn't going to be a practical way for me to get to know these kids, and I knew my own son was going to be bigger than me real soon. So, time to get creative.

Bigger people have different problems..they are always forced to fight, they always get the throw downs, the pushes and shoves, like they got a big ol' target on their asses or something. Big people are seen as like a ...challenge or something. It's so animalistic in some ways, too. I'm sure I could find the reasons for it. Something to do and learn in my spare time, haha!

Seriously, though, I think I'd rather be smaller. Yeah, it makes you more like..well, food, but smaller people seem to have more options. Being smaller, means it's easier to hide, too. With people it takes on different..tendencies...Hey, I'm not giving away all my secrets...but there are ways that smaller people can get around things you big people are just used to using brute force for.

It's a lot easier to deal with just needing a step ladder everywhere you go to having to wear kevlar. Ya know? Me, I'm just grateful! I have any number of people willing to reach for cans for me so I don't even need a stepladder. Lately, if I'm in the kitchen, I have more help than I know what to do with. Being small has certainly been a contributing factor in me being so damn spoiled rotton.

It does have a few disadvantages, like people slapping you on the back and not realizing their own strength..it happens. I did it to my daughter once at the race. Damn near tumbled her ass right over the chairs and on down into the fence. I caught her, though...I mean, Kyle Busch was doing the dirt tornado..it was an exciting moment...anyway...that's just about the only real downside to being little...well, unless you're a little person really looking to pick a fight..and though this little gal has not one problem in the world dealing with sticky situations, my natural instinct is to avoid them altogether and certainly, I'm never going to provoke one. That's like asking to be...food...no way. This girly is a lover not a fighter!

Brunch

Sundays usually bring some kind of brunch around here. Sundays are pretty kick back in the activity levels of things. It's a pretty much eat and watch the race kind of day, with a few chores taken care of in the morning...

Today it was bacon and pancakes. I wake them up with the smell of bacon, haha! Yep, that is what I do when I want them to get up.

I don't mess with the older kids and their sleeping routines too much. One of them works nights, so he usually sleeps all day, and the other is taking such a heavy course load at school, I don't want to mess with his weekends. They take care of their chores and it's good for them to be able to make a schedule of THEIR responsibilities and take care of them at this age. They need little reminders from me, although the one still in high school with ask me to make sure that he gets up on time when he knows he's going to have to be studying late into the night.

Part of dealing with brain chemistry is teaching them to understand what theirs is...teaching them to capitalize on their brain's peak times of operation, when it's "on" and then arrange their shedule to work with that..well, that's pretty much the battle. And then you teach them the other tricks to cope with things like set hours for certain things. In years past, doing your banking at midnight just wasn't feasible, although with the advent of technology, it makes things a lot easier.

I tell them..YOU know what you have to do and when you have to get it done by. You let me know what you need from me to accomplish that and when you need it from me...and it's all pretty cool, really.

Weekends is my chance to spoil them a little, and I enjoy it. There are those that think I should just roust their asses out of bed and make them get up and at 'em on the weekends, too, and I just don't feel that way. First of all, on the weekdays, we are all up at 5-5:30am and busting ass all week long...bound to schedules and other's people's whims and desires and whatever other crap you have to do to earn a paycheck these days. Competent people are hard to come by, for sure. Anyway, I consider my place a little oasis in the jungle of life...let them sleep.

Hey, that's what Army boy is looking forward to when he comes home in a couple of weeks. Food, sympathy, "sophisticated conversations"..haha! and some sleep. It really is the simple things in life, isn't it?

So, later we will all wander into the living room and turn the race on, snacks will be made and we will all just visit and root for our favorite drivers..god help me, but I am becoming a Jeff Gordon fan...boo, hiss, I know..deal with it.

You know, it's just good to be me most days.

Sunday Morning

Earlier, I had a bunch of thoughts burning in my head that I just couldn't wait to put down on ..well, computer screen, as it goes, but I'll be damned if I can remember what I was going to say.

Oh, yeah, here it comes...it was the thought that I woke up thinking again this morning. I mean, holy cow, can't I just have a nice, normal entertaining dream sometimes? Ah, perhaps when I change my input before I go to bed.

I find I am able to increase my learning capacity tremendously if I read something intriguing to the mind when I go to sleep and then let my brain take over. Often, I will awake with a completely new understanding of some material I had been struggling with. Why? Well, I have a real hard time with visualization. I cannot form a picture in my mind for some reason, except by means of dreaming. So, my brain will take the material and start putting it into three dimensional form, and I learn that way. I know, sounds really wierd, doesn't it? But, for me, it totally works.

Now, I know I can visualize...because I do it in dreams. I'd like to be able to tap into that part of me in my waking state. It would make things a lot more effective...easier, if you will..but my waking moments are consumed with the practical, the endless distractions of living life. You gotta take care of the little stuff if you want to be able to do the big stuff...just a law of nature..but I do wish I could learn to call upon this at will, anyway. Other people seem to be able to...but in the meantime, I guess I'll just continue doing what works.

Just A Couple Of Animals

Someone said, at the Helen blogmeet, that the Senior Chief and I are just a couple of animals.

You know, I got to thinking about that, and I decided I agree with that on some levels. It goes with the work hard play hard philosophy, when we work hard, we play hard...together, the same as we work together.

Yeah, I know, he goes out and earns the paycheck and I stay at home and take care of other stuff, but there are certain projects that draw us together and whenever you connect with someone on that mental level, what follows physically, is just an extension of that.

It is part of the work ethic in a way...when we've both done a hard day's work either separately or together, what comes next is a celebration...not of our love. exactly, the love comes because of the work...but of the accomplishments, how much we can accomplish together, and that's just hot. To make two minds into one...that's the ultimate in orgasms, really.

I guess only people who have been married for a long time might understand this concept...but it is the most awesome feeling in the whole world.

Better Late Than Never...

Work hard, play hard...that's the motto. Pretty simple, eh? Yeah, I thought so, too. Today was a day for work. I had to do crappy paperwork this morning instead of blogging. Which is fine, really, because man, I've learned something in general having ADD and a buttload of distractions. OHIO rules. O.H.I.O. to be more specific and for those that are aconymally challenged...I know, I know, not a word, but dammit, I've been drinking. It is Friday, after all, and time to play a little hard. Oh, OHIO..Only Handle It Once. There are certain things I refuse to procrastinate and that's a good policy. Paperwork...simple paperwork will bite you in the ass every time. Believe it. Only Handle It Once.

I've been honing my schedule the past few days. One of the challenges of managing a family, and finding time for yourself is time management is key. Holy crap, time and money, story of my life, eh? Thankfully, there seems to be a little more of both these days and that is a relief. If you haven't figured out that kids are expensive, yet, well let me just say..they are expensive as HELL. Hey, I'm not bitching...I love 'em all, it's well worth it for me and the senior chief either...it's not like you can hide the fact that you have 3 kids, eh? Ha ha! But, expensive, they are. Hey, some of y'all have fancy cars and etc. for your toys...well, my toys are my kids and I enjoy mostly every moment I spend with them.

But, being a young mama and an evolutionary person, I finally feel free to not feel guilt for the couple of hours I spend exercising my brain by doing whatever learning I feel like doing for the day. I have always loved to learn and to push myself to the limit and I saw no reason to change because I am a mother. It's funny, but now that they are older, I can see the same trait in them, and it makes me proud.

I mean, even my oldest, who is struggling so with some concepts, he is a hard assed worker and he will sacrifice nothing for work. I'm proud of that, because I think that is what is going to save him. He is like Hank. And, everybody has to come to their own knowledge on their own, in their own pace, and like the "destroyers", I can only be that with him. (Like Francisco was with Hank.) I can only interject when the time is right, and only with accumulated facts. My eldest has never believed in his ability to "think". You know, with him, I might have made a mistake with medication. He once told me he liked it that he could think and think and think. But, medication truly does make the ADDer think more...efficiently...but it was SUCH a change, he couldn't wrap his mind around it. I can see what happened and so clearly...but I still have yet to find the solution. Sigh. To me, it's simple...I'm a very analytical person...it is what it is, I am not hurt by the truth, ever...I assign no moral judgement to fact. Fact is fact. Feelings really are irrelevant in the big scheme of things. But, he takes pronouncements of simple fact as judgement...I guess he fills in the blanks with something, but they aren't what I'm thinking. It's whatever internal tapes were programmed into him by his mother. Probably, I should have been a little harder on him. But, you can only work with what you've got. But feelings...they just create...diversions...to the truth.

The older I get, the more I go back to who I was as a younger person....pissed off at all the lies in the world. When I was a teenager, I could not wait to be grown up so that I could write my own destiny..to get away from the juvenile game playing..why I ever thought that grownups weren't the same way, I don't know, but never for a moment have I regretted or been sad to be an adult. I have had joy in every single day since I turned 18...save a few, here and there..you know what I mean. I find joy in all the aspects of life. Without the bad, there is no comparison for good, although there are some things I have to rewrap my mind around. You get set with the way it is ...or how you think it is...and then it turns out to be different...different information makes you reevaluate things, make a different plan..whatever...finally, I am relieved to know that this is truly how it SHOULD be.

LIFE is good.

Whatever Shall I Tell The Children???

Well, I went shopping today and damned if there wasn't a major toy manufacturer that I could find that did not make their stuff in China.

Ahh, well dayum. That DOES put a crimp in the Christmas plans for the children. Or does it?

As it turns out, it really doesn't. It does require some creative thinking on the part of The Senior Chief and I.

The first thing I had to do was talk to the children, though. They are very educated in matters of history and how other countries run things. Communism is pretty easy to get them to understand. I explained it to them by telling them it was as if everybody gave up their paychecks to me and their dad and then had to beg for clothes and shoes and toys and whatnot because we decided if they needed it or not. That means their birthday money and whatnot, too. They didn't like the idea of that AT ALL!

These guys also watch the news in the mornings and we have discussions about what is going on..I try to put things into perspective that they can understand. Well, China has been in the news a lot lately and they've had plenty of questions. They understand that lead is bad for them and they are rather attached to their brains, eh?

The final hurdle, was with little dude. I had to break the news to him that Santa wasn't exactly real. Well, he wanted to know if Santa knew about China and was he going to give little kids Chinese toys that were bad for them. However were we going to get the word to Santa? Ah, I love kids, I do.

I drew the picture for him, and you know, I do believe he was HAPPIER knowing. His eyes got all big...and he said...Wow, that is a lot of WORK you and dad do, being Santa. I'm sure glad that you get to eat those cookies! And so, we will continue to pretend that Santa comes, but little dude is totally happy to not get Chinese toys for Christmas, and that the cookies and milk he lays out for us will be definitely needed and appreciated and instead of being just a consumer...he now feels like a producer.

You know, I did that post the other day on what Ayn Rand says about children and I'd like to add something to that.."You're too little to understand." "You're too small to do that." When your kids want to DO...that is good to encourage, even if they don't do it right.

We are so busy as mothers and fathers that we sometimes fall into the trap of thinking it's just easier and faster to do it ourselves. This is bad for our children. Yes, it is easier and faster, but what you teach your children is to be consumers. Every child has the desire to contribute to the well-being of the family and it is good for them to let them. Only by encouraging them to produce and teaching them how to do a good job by being patient with them to let them make a mess of things now and then..only then can you hope to raise a producer. And then the day comes where they produce something from scratch with their own hands and man, look out then!!!

You know I'm right...what are the words a two year old utters?? "I do it myself!" Terrible twos is the age where they assert their desire to do for themselves...they are not born to be dependent upon us. Teenagers are no different than terrible twos, really...

Deja Vu

This post reminded me of this one...now the secret is out, James...haha!

What Makes This Country Great?

I bumped this up to the top, because it was more important than the other stuff I wrote yesterday.

I have always been bewildered as to why people say this country is corrupt and I could never understand what was wrong with trying to earn an honest wage for an honest day's work...and getting paid that value.

I read something in Atlas Shrugged that really defined it for me. Let me use Ayn Rand's words, they say it all.

"To the glory of mankind, there was, for the first and only time in history, a country of money-and I have no higher, more reverent tribute to pay to America, for this means: a country of reason, justice, freedom, production, achievement. For the first time, man's mind and money were set free, and there were no fortunes-by-conquest, but only fortunes-by-work, and instead of swordsmen and slaves, there appeared the real maker of wealth, the greatest worker, the highest type of human being-the self made man-the American industrialist.

If you ask me to name the proudest distinction of Americans, I would choose-because it contains all the others-the fact that they were the people who created the phrase 'to make money.' No other language or nation had ever used these words before; men had always thought of wealth as a static quantity-to be seized, begged, inherited, shared, looted or obtained as a favor. Americans were the first to understand that wealth has to be created. The words 'to make money' hold the essence of human morality."

How can you argue with this logic? It's true. THAT is what makes us great. The work ethic of the American.

The rest of this passage is the follow through on a home run.

"Yet these were the words for which Americans were denounced by the rotted cultures of the looters' continents. Now the looters credo has brought you to regard your proudest achievements as a hallmark of shame, your prosperity as guilt, your greatest men, the industrialists, as blackguards, and your magnificent factories as the product and prosperity of muscular labor, the labor of whip-driven slaves, like the Pyramids of Egypt. The rotter who simpers that he sees no difference between the power of the dollar and the power of the whip, ought to learn the difference on his own hide-as, I think, he will.

Until and unless you discover that money is the root of all good, you ask for your own destruction. When money ceases to be the tool by which men deal with one another, then men become the tools of men. Blood, whips and guns-or dollars. Take your choice-there is no other-and your time is running out."

Hmmm, isn't this really why the bad guys of today have started jihad on us? Isn't this what we are fighting for, really? Aren't we teaching them how to fight for their right to rule their own destiny? Aren't we teaching them to fight for their freedom to produce? If we don't, who will? And THIS makes us infidels? Give me a fucking break.

Life Lessons

My daughter is in the fifth grade this year. I love her English teacher because she gives some good, thoughtful homework.

She assigns a paragraph of the week, with a topic. Anyway, this power struggle started to ensue between me and my daughter because I chop the hell out of her stuff. I don't edit content, or change the ..tone..of what she's trying to say, I just make sure she doesn't use too many words and that grammar and spelling is correct. A couple of times I tried to get her to change the content, because I could tell she didn't understand what she was supposed to be writing about, but met with a little resistance.

So, one time, I said it was fine. I let it go as is. And she got a "C" on it. Let me tell ya, this girl was PISSED OFF. She said to me..."YOU said it was ok", like I'm a dumbass..hehe, and I can see where she'd come up with that conclusion...as the president recently said..."This isn't my first rodeo." Anyway, I told her that I thought I was hurting her feelings by grading her stuff so hard and she gave me THE LOOK...y'all all know what that means and told me that it hurt her feelings to get a C..she said.."Every time you make me do it over again, I get an A...I want the A." That's my girl!

I take a real simple approach with my kids. I assume their goal is to succeed and I try to teach them how to succeed. My Army kid was like that too. I asked him why he got a bad grade once and he told me it was because he was sitting in the back of the class talking to his friends instead of paying attention to his work. That makes it real easy, eh?

But, I (we..y'all know what I mean) trained them to be that way. I have. It's not a judgement. If they bust their ass and only get a C, then we gotta find out what the problem is. It isn't because they are stupid, lazy or any of that crap..there is some other obstacle, and you gotta find it and bust it down. It's that simple. She got an A on her next paragraph and the power struggle is no more. Army boy, well, that kid is just awesome.

Sometimes you gotta let them fail to teach them how to succeed though. Each kid is different. I got a couple that can't take the criticism...I've had to find other ways altogether to reach them. That's what I like about being a momma...it's always a challenge...and it always stretches my brain to the very limit...half-assed just isn't in my nature.

Anybody Want To Touch This?

Man, my little kid just came home from school and asked me why we took Texas from the Mexicans. It's what his little Mexican classmate asked him. My older son, who is 19, is setting him straight on the matter right now..but this is the attitude of people who come here? Really? THIS is what they teach their children while sucking our economy dry? Unbelievable. They can carry their asses right on back across the border, then.

Another Observation

After having read the seventh Harry Potter book, I can't say I was disappointed..I was amused. Why? Because watching this artwork take place, by the time the seventh book came around, so had her third child. The thing that struck me about number seven was that it was so much more ...disjointed... than the others and I reckoned that if she had....6 kids when she started, it would have never been written at all, perhaps, and she'd just be a blogger like me.

I reread one of the posts I wrote the other day...lordy, did it have a lot of errors. It's wierd, but when I sit down to write something, it's like flies to a moth and even when NOT writing, it is difficult to pay attention to six conversations at once and respond appropriately...

This post came because in the middle of writing THAT post, someone asked me just..an inane question and my snappy comeback was ..."I wonder if JK Rowling had to work under this kind of pressure.."

Sometimes I do feel like a rockstar and it ain't all it's cracked up to be on some levels. Just sayin'

Happy Birthday Paolo

It would appear that I have an international reader. From Italy, and though I do not speak Italian, thanks to Google, I think Paolo is having a birthday! While I wish I could be there, I am not able to travel to Italy on a moment's notice...but I am honored for the note nonetheless! Note to self: I need to learn some foreign languages. Hell, one would do, I could probably figure out others enough to get along. It sucks to not be able to communicate with someone, but thank God for technology.

Correction. Paolo isn't having a birthday..his magazine is having a birthday, which is awesome in it's own right!! The birthday of a dream, hell yeah!!!

Nuclear Explosion

This book I am reading has set off a nuclear explosion in my brain and I like it! It has taken me two years of blogging to try and say what one author said 50 years ago in a freaking paragraph. I wonder if she had that vision when she wrote this book, or if she had any idea ...

"He thought of all the living species that train their young in the art of survival, the cats who teach their kittens to hunt, the birds who spend such strident effort on teaching their fledglings to fly-yet, man, whose tool of survival is the mind, does not merely fail to teach a child to think, but devotes the child's education to the purpose of destroying his brain, of convincing him that thought is futile and evil, before he has started to think.

From the first catch phrases flung at a child to the last, it is like a series of shocks to freeze his motor, to undercut the power of his consciousness. "Don't ask so many questions, children should be seen and not heard!"-"Who are you to think? It's so because I say so!"-"Don't argue, obey!"-"Don't try to understand, believe!"-"Don't rebel, adjust!"-"Don't stand out, belong!"-"Don't struggle, compromise!"-"Your heart is more important than your mind!"-"Who are you to know? Your parents know best!"-"Who are you to know? Society knows best!"-"Who are you to know? The bureaucrats know best!"-"Who are you to object? All values are relative!"-"Who are you to want to escape a thug's bullet? That's only a personal prejudice!"

Men would shudder, he thought, if they saw a mother bird plucking the feathers from the wings of her young, then pushing him out of the nest to struggle for survival-yet that was what they did to their children."
Atlas Shrugged
Ayn Rand

What we call the rebellious teenage years ..those are the years in which teenagers start to assert their right to THINK. There are no rebellious teenaged years if you have raised your children to be thinking beings all along. Children are good..they turn into what we make them. When you stifle the questions of a child, you stifle the mind of a child. Hell, children fascinate me because when they are small, their little minds are like broadband. They learn stuff we don't know we're teaching them, too.

So many parents I see make this mistake. They are ashamed of their past. So, as a result, kids get this image of their parents as godly..as perfect and then when teenagers start to assert their right to think, they start to see that we aren't perfect and they are let down. As well, they learn how to handle problem solving by seeing us handle problem solving. If they see us fall apart and become secretive with them, they have learned that is how the world works and they become secretive with you.

If they see you make an error of judgement, hey we all do it...there's so much garbage out there to filter..garbage in, garbage out...and see you just be a man...or a woman..and take the hit, pay whatever dues you have to pay to amend the situation and just roll on, then that is how they learn to deal with problems of their own. If we hide our stuff from them, and I'm talking about reasonable information here...anyway, if we give them a 'perfect' face and pretend that things are good when they aren't, then they have learned that they are imperfect and will never measure up in your eyes.

Observations

Now, all you good women out there, you know I'm not talking to you, but I've made some observations about our species and I'm sure y'all all know women that fit this description...

Women have tremendous power over men and men are afraid of women. Very afraid. Men want women to BALANCE them. Women, are unaware of their power and the ones that are aware of it are drunk on it. And, it's hard not to be. When you have men that are willing to do anything for you, when you're rolling with a posse to speak of, then it's hard not to feel powerful. This is very dangerous indeed. When you gain that much power over a person, it is imperative that you not take advantage of it and that you show appreciation for it. Humility is key and it's hard to be humble when you have that much power. It's a constant struggle for balance.

When a woman tells a man the absolute truth, he does not believe it. You have to make him believe it and you have to be absolutely, painfully honest. I think this is perhaps the real secret. Women have the words for the feelings that men have too. Because men don't have the words for their feelings, many women assume that men don't have the feelings and men are wounded very deeply by the words of women.

Words are the power women have over men. We need to choose our words more wisely and quit condemning men. We are robbing them of their very manhood, and that isn't good, either. We have to draw out the female in the men without killing the men in the men.

We take from our men...take and take and take...and we give very little back. We expect them to be robots but condemn them when they are. We expect them to be our emotional support, we take energy from them, and then we refuse to give it back...we deny them the one thing they need to connect to the energy they need to keep going. We cut them off from this energy altogether and leave them dangling in the wind, with no options.

I think we won this war, now we need to be nice already.

I Declare War on China

I hereby put into effect my right as an American citizen and as such, I declare economic war on China. No longer will my dollars go to support a system of slavery and oppression. No more will my dollars go to fund a government that orders abortions, murder, and has piss poor human rights practices in general.

I refuse to buy Chinese products and I refuse to shop in such establishments that stock their products or outsource their jobs.

Will this have an effect? If I'm not alone. Please join me by linking this post and taking action. Let's do it, people. I'm serious.

Is there going to be collateral damage? You bet. War is hell, but sometimes war is necessary. It doesn't always have to involve guns and missiles, but there is always collateral damage. To support barbaric practices by funding them makes us just as guilty. Our troops are spread a little thin, and a conventional war with China isn't practical or cost effective, because we can win from within our own borders by simply not funding communism. Quit buying Chinese products...

Small World....

If you didn't believe it before, you will when I'm done. Let me first introduce you to John B. who found his way over here from Denny's place.

John B. has known me since I was knee high to a grasshopper and one of the finest men that I've ever had occasion to meet. When I think of John, I think of honor, integrity, perserverance, and above all...love of the unconditional variety.

It would be very hard to put into words the impact that this man has had on my life and the influence. Mr. John and Miss Gail, as they were known back in the day, were at the center of nearly every happy childhood memory I can conjure.

Miss Gail is a story for another day because I want to do her justice. She is a fine and wonderful woman, herself. My hero and heroine...Mr. John and Miss Gail.

Yes, when I was a snot-nosed 16 year old, I dubbed him Saint John. For once in my life, I wasn't being sarcastic, it is true. The man has an aura around him that is golden. And damned if those flowers didn't grow, too. I had so forgotten about that. I had to smile all night long.

Anyway, John B. is the closest thing to a father that I have left and if you see him around, you better be nice, or I'll kick your ass!

I just had to do it.

So there ya have it.

Unanswered Questions

Well, I love me some bloggers, let me tell you. I really didn't want to come out the other night, honestly. I never want to go out really, though, but I am soooo glad that we did.

First of all, thank you to Leslie who not only adopted The Senior Chief as her blog son, but like any real momma, made sure we had a place to sleep. And for those of you who thought we were gonna sleep in the car...never was going to happen. We only live 45 min. down the hill. I mean, I love my hot rod, but not THAT much. Trust me on this.

And to Holder and Richard who hosted the party at their cabin and also offered us a place to lay our weary heads. And, Michelle, who made the cheese and beer soup that ROCKED. Man, that was some good soup.

Sam and his bitch are always good to see. I love his bitch..she ROCKS! Sam rocks too...y'all know he does! I love watching Sam scheme and plot..it's a sight to behold.

It's always good to see RSM, as well. He's an inspiration for us all, really. He reminds me of a character...Call, from Lonesome Dove...his strength of spirit makes it seem like he's much taller than he is.

Eric asked me if I was worried about my kid in the Army and looked a little confused when I said, absolutely and certainly...No, I'm not. Eric, the reason I'm not worried is because of a few things. The first being, I raised my kids to be able to make informed decisions. Second, his reasons for joining were the right reasons, not some get money quick kind of deal or for educational benefits. Thirdly, because when talking to him on the phone...he's just high on life and what he's doing and that is the ULTIMATE goal for any parent..to hear that in her child's voice. So, worried...no. And it was lovely to meet Fiona...hehe, I was teaching her how to say "I'm gonna kick your ass." hahaha...

Dax asked me what it was I hated about here...well, Dax..it's the people. Not quality, but quantity...but then when you have quantity, you do sacrifice quality. When I have to worry every single day that I'm going to get a phone call involving this...well, ya know, a mommy's nerves can only take so much. Out further...would be perfect but, if I'm going to have to move again, then I'm going to go somewhere where I know the big ugly city isn't going to creep in on us. I don't want my kids living in a jungle of people, I want them living in the woods..doing kid shit, not having to worry about guns at schools or parties...Eric..

My man Zonker is a riot. I love this dude and if you've never had a chance to talk with him and hear his rapier wit...you have missed out on something real cool. This guy is the bomb! I kept messing with him...every time he'd say 'car', I'd point down to my hot rod and say.."See, there she is..." hehehe..he could give a rat's ass, and that's why I did it. I had promised some I would fire it up, but we never got around to it. She's quiet until I want her to be heard...hehe.

To see the amazing John Cox at work and play is a treat I will treasure forever. As well, watching he and the senior chief connect on a level of understanding, and their brief conversation has still left me laughing forever.

Got to meet a fellow alpha in the form of Joan of Argghhh and that was a treat in and of itself! Man, Joan, we gotta get together and solve the world's problems for them sometime. I think we could.

Ellison and She Who Must Be Obeyed, are some of my favorite people. We didn't talk for a long time, but it's truly the spirituality that radiate from these folks that shines like a really bright star. I am very happy to just be in their presence, and to learn, honestly.

We got to meet Jimbo for the first time and he's a lot of fun to be around, too!

I danced around for an hour after Denny called me "darlin'"...he's a hard guy to get over to, though, because he's surrounded by so many people and everybody wants to be near the guy that's the very definition of courage. I read him every single day, although, I rarely comment, because he is so very thorough in his statements, he doesn't need me blowing smoke up his ass telling him he's right.

Erica is a riot. And she's shorter than me..I did not think that was possible. Man, I wanted to hang out with that gal some more...

There were a few that I didn't get to meet...a Charming Fellow and his Sweetthing, dammit. And Catfish.

This post would not be complete without mentioning Recondo32 and Georgia. Though I have only been to two, I can see that no blog meet would be complete without these two. If y'all don't agree, you can kiss my ass. Ha! Ha! Really.

It's always an honor to be included with what I consider some of the greatest minds in the country. Y'all rock on and until next time...some of y'all watch your email boxes, too because there are some unfinished conversations started that just have to be finished....

I think I got everybody, if I didn't, then do let me know...

Friendships

After the blog meet in Helen, I have a few things that I have been thinking about. Yesterday, I wasn't thinking about much at all, except the back of my eyelids..hehe. Two weekends in a row takes it out of this little gal.

The first thing I was thinking about, from the moment I drove up..was friendships and how some friendships need a lot of work and how others, others are a connection that is in a single glance, very few words are needed to achieve understanding. Those are the ones that can be unnerving a little, because it requires trust and a certain amount of assumption. But, it only takes a second glance to dispel any of those doubts. You know, you look at a person right in the eyes...a million words bubble up, and then you realize none of them is really necessary??

This crowd has such good energy. The amount of love and caring and sharing exhibited by this particular group of people, is an honor to be a part of, trust me. I always feel like there's something so two dimensional about writing, and those that can bring your three dimensional selves onto the computer screen or a piece of paper, is the mark of a fine writer.

The truth of it is, though, most of us are too afraid to ever reveal that part of ourselves, and that will always hold your art back.

There are questions asked that I hope to answer, and conversations unfinished...there is never enough TIME ..you know?

We had to jet on out of there because really, I wasn't prepared to spend all night, but somebody twisted the senior chief's arm...hehehehe...

I'm naming names later, peeps...so look out...haha..y'all know I'm just joshing, right? Holy crap, we had a lot of fun, though, and I love y'all and for the ones I missed...well, dammit...we'll catch ya next time for sure.

Rock and Roll Jesus

Yes, the new Kid Rock cd...if you don't have it yet, you better run and get it. He knocked it OUT OF THE BALLPARK with the whole cd. There is not a song on here that I do not like.

Track 1: Rock and Roll Jesus...it makes you get up and move your feet and just dance to this rock revival...

Track 2: Amen... Well, that's a pretty damn good title because that's what you want to say after every verse. This guy is a tremendous lyricist, but we knew that already.

Track 3: All Summer Long..another one that takes you back to your youth and makes you want to do it all again...sipping cheap wine and singing sweet home alabama all summer long. The beginning messes with you a little bit.

Track 4: Roll On..All I can say is that I could certainly identify with this song and the sentiments behind it...Roll on rollercoaster...

Track 5: So Hott..if you haven't heard this one yet, then you're living under a rock and I like this one too.

Track 6: Sugar... This one is the senior chief's favorite and a little more familiar to fans who are looking for no change in an artist. Still, it's not the same way. I do believe the fellow has mellowed a tad.

Track 7: When U Love Someone...Again, the lyrics are out of the ballpark. This dude has a grip on things, he really does. "I tell you it will shake the earth beneath your feet, the light that shines will redefine your old beliefs." Tell me it ain't true..double dog dare ya.

Track 8: New Orleans...THIS one made me miss my pool shot...it takes ya right on back to a speakeasy and it just ramps up real slow and your rocking it out by the end, though. Nice style!

Track 9: Don't Tell Me U Love Me...Well, the sentiment here, is do, don't talk. Nice slow mellow tune.

Track 10: Blue Jeans and a Rosary ..This one..I really like this one. I can't explain it, but, most women will like this one...most women will want to be the girl with the blue jeans and a rosary.

Track 11: Half Your Age...and twice as hot. This is straight out of the David Allen Coe playbook but with some Kid Rock style that's just awesome.

James..here's the words for your ex..
"Hey now darlin', you thought it was all fun and games
Runnin' 'round telling everyone why we're not together
I guess you just had to feel important
And I'm sure you thought I was just gonna sit back and take it on the chin
But honey, I'm a songwriter
And that, darlin' is where you end and this song begins."

Track 12..Bonus Track called Lowlife..all the things we love to hate about Kid Rock...

The music on this cd is incredible. Not only has Kid Rock once again taken us to new heights but Twisted Brown Trucker deserves a big hand, too, because the guitar picking, the saxophone playing and whatever the hell they used in New Orleans...all just awesome. If you don't feel, just GOOD when you get done listening to this cd...well, I just don't know what's wrong with you.

There are those that want to say he's just a wanna be this and a wanna be that...and to you...if you do not recognize when someone is rendering honor...well, then listen again. Keep on listening until you get it.

He added a choir to some of the songs and that just really makes it even better.

This album is real...I can feel it.

That Girl

I had to write another little post. Man, I've spent some time listening to the guys talk around the campfire.

There's always that one campsite that has the girls gone wild. This year it was pole dancers. And let me tell ya...I just never wanted to be "that girl" ..you know..

Holy shit...I mean, hey, I'll send the guys over that way..I don't judge, really, and they sure ain't getting no show at my campsite. This chick don't wear shorts...well, at home I do, but when I go out, I am as covered as I can be without making myself uncomfortable. I wear short sleeves and whatnot, but I don't usually do the tank top thing or spaghetti strap thing unless I'm at home. In public, I wear a sleeveless shirt over it. I don't know why...it doesn't matter. And especially in a setting like Talladega..there isn't any misunderstandings. This chick ain't never going to be confused with the town 'ho.

I don't bitch at those guys for being guys. I'm not like that, either. I don't care if they belch and fart, and talk about boobs...jeez, I'm sick of talking about boobs, though..LOL...I swear, I know where all the best damn boobs are in town, now...and that is just something I didn't want to know...really.

I mean, it's fine with me if THEY want to talk about them...but why did I have to know too? I swear to you, they thought if I didn't know this, I was going to be missing out on something...the only boobs I care about are my own. I'm rather attached to them, I like them just the way they are and I hope other women feel the same about their own. I do not care about other women's boobs, though.

Oh, and I had to talk to one dude's girlfriend...I had to make sure she was good enough. I brought that on myself though. He's the one that brought the chick through our tent the last time and I told him that he needed to pick a better class of woman to come partying with us because that shit just don't fly in this neighborhood. So, he made me talk to his new chick that he really likes, so he hasn't even kissed her yet. We're talking serious shit here...to see if she was Talladega worthy.

It's pretty simple. Keep your hands off my man. Keep your damn clothes on. Sit back with me and laugh at the men being men. How hard is that. Oh, and the women don't cook. Well, only if they want. I mean, if you don't cook, you have to do other stuff, but there's not a bunch of men wandering around waiting for the women to cook for them. I always help cut stuff up and whatnot..but all the worrying, no way. I'm the helper. They know what they want to eat and how they want to cook it but we fired our Monday morning breakfast cook. I'll get that one from now on, no problem.

We ate some good food this weekend, too. People were coming for two campsites over to get some of our food. We raised the standard for food for anybody that came by. A couple of guys that were down the hill from us were eating hot dogs the first night and some canned crap. They came up to say hi and we fed them some of the pork loin we had just grilled out and then our buddy fed them some of his turkey, shrimp, potatoes..off the cuff...stew..and hung their heads in shame for offering us a cold hot dog...LOL. They came up the next day with a plate of ribs and some hamburgers that were the bomb though.

Those guys forgot that the goal is fun, though. They hit the liquor real damn hard before the race and didn't make it back. See, the fun stops when you're arrested or injured...then it ain't no fun anymore....you gotta maintain yourself because the goal is to just have fun.

And, if you're that girl..you ain't having fun either, because you got a bunch of drunk pissed off dudes around you, and that's never fun. It is fun to sit around and hear the guys talk about that girl though. Guys are pretty damn mean...and damn, you know, there's just no way I would ever disrespect the senior chief by being that girl. That's not the way to say I love you.

And, I swear, all those guys brought me presents. That's kick ass...the senior chief's buddy brought me a Myrtle Beach sweatshirt, and I got some cool wineglasses, and a t-shirt, I think. I'm a spoiled rotton thing. The guys down the hill kept bringing stuff like tin-foil and plates and paper towels and stuff...so we'd keep feeding them because our food was better than theirs. Hey, that works too. Nobody had a problem with that and as usual, we had too much food. That's always good, though..better to have too much than not enough.

It isn't fun without the food either. People always talk about the beer and whatnot, but without the food, it's short lived. I love just standing around the fire, eating good food, enjoying good company, laughing at "that girl" or "that guy"..and just having fun. The only thing we didn't do that I wish we had was set up the horseshoe pit, but hey, that's all cool, too. We didn't miss it.

And now, peeps, my book is calling me. My favorite character, Francisco D'Anconia, just gave a hell of a speech at a party, and I want to go and reread it because it was just the grand finale to the weekend, to read that passage. Seriously. It was representative of all the campfire discussions..these men that were there with us are of the same caliber, but not necessarily the same pay scale, if that makes sense. I explained the premise of the book to them and we'll probably have a discussion around the campfire next year about it. The senior chief is eagerly waiting for me to finish it. Rarely does a book evoke a vocal response from me, but that passage made me stand up and say HELL YEAH!

And that's what it's all about. Good, plain, fun.

Back From 'Dega

The house is still standing and I think the kids were glad to get rid of us for a few days.

It was an outstanding weekend. I haven't laughed so hard or so long in about 6 damn months. I liked my husband's new buddy..he's a cool dude. It's always good to see our Navy buddy and his buddy that was supposed to come ...couldn't at the last minute. Which prompted a new rule...no damn dying during Talladega weekend. I guess the fella's uncle got sick and died abruptly. We hoisted a beer for him and said a prayer. But, that wasn't a violation of any of the rules. That's the only thing that is considered a good excuse for missing Talladega. It's a pact. And, hell, then it depends. If you ain't going to a funeral or anything like that, you better still be there. There was no excuses when The Senior Chief's dad died. Damn, we were driving home from the funeral, and his buddy called to say that we were coming, he already had the damn tickets. That was the year I knocked that guy down the hill.

He came again this year and those were the first words out of his mouth...Why did you do that to me? He said he'd been worrying about it all damn year and he never could figure it out. I asked him if he remembered knocking me over the cooler... It was cool to watch the lightbulb come on. Then I told him it was just truly an accident..that he reached out to pound on my back and I was just trying to get him out of my space and he fell over....he was cool this time and he's actually a pretty cool dude.

Once again I was the only woman in a sea of men. Which is fine, really...EXCEPT....here's what happens. See, first of all, understand, I am fine just sitting by myself, sipping my drink and reading my book or just watching the men be men. I find them very entertaining. But, what happens is this...I will sit down somewhere and one of the men will come over to have a quiet conversation. Then, another of them will notice and then will sit on the other side of me. Then, they aren't talking to me anymore..they are talking to each other....and they are both leaning over into me to talk to each other and the more they drink, the louder they get..and then the others come over to hear the conversation and pick up on it and the next thing I know, I am in the middle of a circle of men..elbowing each other, high fiving each other, arguing about their favorite drivers, their favorite football teams....and man, I'm just not into football. I could give a rat's ass...I think they are all overplayed thugs and for the money they get, I want to see someone take a hit, not slide on the ground like a big damn sissy.

And even all that is really fine, except I'm so damn short.

I find it really funny when they stand around the fire talking about me. The senior chief did ensure that happened, too. At some point...(I'll let him tell the back story..) he took it into his head to dump a bucket of water on me. And, I don't know if I've ever mentioned this before, but it's just not a real good idea to startle me. Take my word for this. Fight or flight???? This chick don't run.

I gather the consensus around the campfire was that I was a trooper...a real trooper. Hell yeah! I heard one of them say if it was HIS wife, they'd all just have to be packing up to leave right now because the rest of the weekend was going to be ruined..that they'd stay pissed that long. Hell, it was just a little water and once I got a towel, it was actually rather refreshing. I didn't have a white t-shirt on either, you dirty minded individuals out there. That's not why he did it. It was just fun. Somebody said, I wonder what would happen if you did that so there was only one way to find out. And, they reckoned that they ought not to do that again. I think I made that pretty damn clear...hehehe...

Hell yeah, it was just plain old fun. And the racing, was the stuff, too. During the truck race, the big one happened right in front of us...trucks EVERYWHERE....

During the cup race, Burton blew up right in front of us...a couple of those tires that went down started right where we are. My hearing is pretty keen, and I can translate sound into what it means pretty damn quick. The first time it happened, I didn't understand what I was hearing. It takes a while for those things to come apart. I heard...pop, pop, BANG...smoke. But the first pop was right after turn four and dude didn't hit the wall until the tri-oval. Truex blew up right in front of us too. Burton was throwing parts out of his car, on fire as he went by. Anyway, every time I said there was going to be a caution and there was because I heard something...those guys would just look at me....and that became part of the topic of discussion, as well. I'm not just a dumb stupid housewife. And where the hell did Gordon come from? I have to watch the dadgum truck race on tv again because I had a driver picked...I don't pick drivers based on my favorite...I pick the driver I think is going to win. Anyway, they go by so fast, you can't tell who's who...so you have to watch the corners and see who's just not fitting..trust me...but Gordon..that dude is sneaky. That must be the secret too....Matt Kenseth's style is like that. If you make yourself so obvious that someone from the crowd can pick you, then everybody else's spotter can pick you too and tell their drivers that you're coming. But Gordon...I gotta see how he pulled that off. And, damn..what the hell..you have the race on tv...and god forfuckingbid anybody talk during the race...but you pay money for live tickets and those guys just yack,yack,yack all during the damn race...what the hell is up with that??? Jesus H. Christ, I've never seen a bunch of men just not shut the hell up. I have no damn idea what happened during the race. Anyway, I picked this truck driver and I don't know which driver it was so, I have to rewatch the race and see if I can pick him again....he got caught up in the big one...I was sad after that because I still hadn't figured out who it was. But he was moving, though, I'll tell ya that!

The final consensus was that they were never going to make the mistake of underestimating me again. One guy got sick of talking about it...and said...I don't know what makes them special (me and the senior chief)..all I know is that when I'm around them, everything is plain assed fun. Those two just know how to have fun.

And, that my friends, is what it's all about. Fun. There's too much bullshit in life to let stuff drag you down. Man, I needed this mini-vacation.

Bitch, Bitch, Whine, Whine

Well, I sat down this morning and realized a few things after I got out of the shower. I can only pinch like 2 inches now instead of 4. YAY!! My tits are now bigger than my stomach...hmmm...well, yay, I guess. Nah, that's a big ol' YAY. I mean, bras just fucking suck and I'm glad I have the choice to wear one or not. You can always make yourself look bigger, without having to haul all that extra weight around. Once you got 'em, there ain't really no getting rid of them except surgery. The new jeans I bought yesterday are too big. I hadn't really been paying attention since I decided to quit eating everything in sight. Seems to be working. Excellent!!!

Off to Talladega now! Y'all have a good one and we'll see ya in Helen next weekend!

Guilty Pleasures

We all have them. Some of mine are...reading, blogging, watching my husband's ass when he's working on something, naps...

These are the things that make life worth living. Oh, and let's not forget TALLADEGA!!! Oh hell yeah!

Attention Deficit Disorder

The following is an article written by Dr. Edward Hallowell and it is the clearest description of what it is like to have ADD that I have found. I have interjected my own comments and experiences in the middle. They are bold.

What's It Like To Have ADD?
by Edward M. Hallowell, M.D.

What is it like to have ADD? What is the feel of the syndrome? I have a short talk that I often give to groups as an introduction to the subjective experience of ADD and what it is like to live with it:

Attention Deficit Disorder. First of all I resent the term. As far as I'm concerned most people have Attention Surplus Disorder. I mean, life being what it is, who can pay attention to anything for very long? Is it really a sign of mental health to be able to balance your checkbook, sit still in your chair, and never speak out of turn? As far as I can see, many people who don't have ADD are charter members of the Congenitally Boring.

(What this means, essentially is that our brains are like broadband. It's not that we can't pay attention..it's that we can't NOT pay attention. To everything. I will be standing and talking with someone but if some movement catches my eye...that is where I am next. Say, you are a student taking a test and a fly lands on your paper..now you are paying attention to that fly. The problem isn't a deficit..it's a lack of ability to filter. Normal people wouldn't even notice the fly.)

But anyway, be that as it may, there is this syndrome called ADD or ADHD, depending on what book you read. So what's it like to have ADD? Some people say the so-called syndrome doesn't even exist, but believe me, it does. Many metaphors come to mind to describe it. It's like driving in the rain with bad windshield wipers. Everything is smudged and blurred and you're speeding along, and it's reeeeally frustrating not being able to see very well. Or it's like listening to a radio station with a lot of static and you have to strain to hear what's going on. Or, it's like trying to build a house of cards in a dust storm. You have to build a structure to protect yourself from the wind before you can even start on the cards.

In other ways it's like being super-charged all the time. You get one idea and you have to act on it, and then, what do you know, but you've got another idea before you've finished up with the first one, and so you go for that one, but of course a third idea intercepts the second, and you just have to follow that one, and pretty soon people are calling you disorganized and impulsive and all sorts of impolite words that miss the point completely. Because you're trying really hard. It's just that you have all these invisible vectors pulling you this way and that which makes it really hard to stay on task.

(You've seen people like this...ALWAYS on the run yet always behind. The slow down to go faster concept is hard to embrace.)

Plus which, you're spilling over all the time. You're drumming your fingers, tapping your feet, humming a song, whistling, looking here, looking there, scratching, stretching, doodling, and people think you're not paying attention or that you're not interested, but all you're doing is spilling over so that you can pay attention. I can pay a lot better attention when I'm taking a walk or listening to music or even when I'm in a crowded, noisy room than when I'm still and surrounded by silence. God save me from the reading rooms. Have you ever been into the one in Widener Library? The only thing that saves it is that so many of the people who use it have ADD that there's a constant soothing bustle.

It is easier for me to focus on things when I have a ton of people around too. I never can clean unless everyone is home..and I feel more like writing when I have more chaos around me. You'd think it would be the opposite, but it isn't. The quiet is the WORST. My kids I swear cannot do their homework in a quiet room. They must have the radio on and whatnot. You'd think it wouldn't work, but it does. The background noise drowns out the constant background noise in your brain. The ADD mind is ALWAYS thinking, processing, working. Always. You can't turn it off. One of my kids described it as thinking,thinking,thinking, and he liked it.)

What is it like to have ADD? Buzzing. Being here and there and everywhere. Someone once said, "Time is the thing that keeps everything from happening all at once." Time parcels moments out into separate bits so that we can do one thing at a time. In ADD, this does not happen. In ADD, time collapses. Time becomes a black hole. To the person with ADD it feels as if everything is happening all at once. This creates a sense of inner turmoil or even panic. The individual loses perspective and the ability to prioritize. He or she is always on the go, trying to keep the world from caving in on top.

(For me, this would mean starting the dishes, starting the laundry, starting to pick up to do a vacuum and then stopping in the middle because I figured out a post I wanted to write, logging on to the computer, forgetting what I wanted to write by the time the screen comes up, starting at the screen for awhile...you get the drift?? And there is a LOT of anxiety that comes with feeling as though everything has got to be done RIGHT NOW. When you add the procrastination factor on that, where you have created for yourself this very situation even though it wasn't that way before, then the anxiety levels really really increase.)

Museums. (Have you noticed how I skip around? That's part of the deal. I change channels a lot. And radio stations. Drives my wife nuts. "Can't we listen to just one song all the way through?") Anyway, museums. The way I go through a museum is the way some people go through Filene's basement. Some of this, some of that, oh, this one looks nice, but what about that rack over there? Gotta hurry, gotta run. It's not that I don't like art. I love art. But my way of loving it makes most people think I'm a real Philistine. On the other hand, sometimes I can sit and look at one painting for a long while. I'll get into the world of the painting and buzz around in there until I forget about everything else. In these moments I, like most people with ADD, can hyperfocus, which gives the lie to the notion that we can never pay attention. Sometimes we have turbocharged focusing abilities. It just depends upon the situation.

(This is true. With kids, you see it with video games and the reason they are able to hyperfocus so much on the video games is because it is really whole body interactive. Their minds are engaged with the screen and their hands are occupied with the controllers. Besides, video games are goal driven and most ADDers have troubles setting goals and do very well in any environment where there are smaller goals already set to achieve a bigger goal. Hell, when I was in the Navy, I just knew I needed a personal assistant..someone to run around behind me and keep track of stuff..hehe. Your absent minded professor types fall into this category of hyperfocus. As well, when it is so hard to get started on something, once you finally do and you are on a roll...oh please don't make me stop..I might never get started again. The driven feeling to accomplish something, to see something through to the end is almost painful at this point.)

Lines. I'm almost incapable of waiting in lines. I just can't wait, you see. That's the hell of it. Impulse leads to action. I'm very short on what you might call the intermediate reflective step between impulse and action. That's why I, like so many people with ADD, lack tact. Tact is entirely dependent on the ability to consider one's words before uttering them. We ADD types don't do this so well. I remember in the fifth grade I noticed my math teacher's hair in a new style and blurted out, "Mr. Cook, is that a toupe you're wearing?" I got kicked out of class. I've since learned how to say these inappropriate things in such a way or at such a time that they can in fact be helpful. But it has taken time. That's the thing about ADD. It takes a lot of adapting to get on in life. But it certainly can be done, and be done very well.

As you might imagine, intimacy can be a problem if you've got to be constantly changing the subject, pacing, scratching and blurting out tactless remarks. My wife has learned not to take my tuning out personally, and she says that when I'm there, I'm really there. At first, when we met, she thought I was some kind of nut, as I would bolt out of restaurants at the end of meals or disappear to another planet during a conversation. Now she has grown accustomed to my sudden coming and goings.

Many of us with ADD crave high-stimulus situations. In my case, I love the racetrack. And I love the high-intensity crucible of doing psychotherapy. And I love having lots of people around. Obviously this tendency can get you into trouble, which is why ADD is high among criminals and self-destructive risk-takers. It is also high among so-called Type A personalities, as well as among manic-depressives, sociopaths and criminals, violent people, drug abusers, and alcoholics. But is is also high among creative and intuitive people in all fields, and among highly energetic, highly productive people.

(This is where I am saying that my son's behavior is ADD driven, at least the most recent behavior. He has put himself in a very high stimulus situation. This causes a temporary chemical release in the brain, correcting the ADD. Any kind of action or behavior along these lines falls under self-medication. It is just as destructive as drug usage, in a lot of ways. ADD people do very well in the military for this reason as well as in any kind of high stress situation, it is very wierd.)

Which is to say there is a positive side to all this. Usually the positive doesn't get mentioned when people speak about ADD because there is a natural tendency to focus on what goes wrong, or at least on what has to be somehow controlled. But often once the ADD has been diagnosed, and the child or the adult, with the help of teachers and parents or spouses, friends, and colleagues, has learned how to cope with it, an untapped realm of the brain swims into view. Suddenly the radio station is tuned in, the windshield is clear, the sand storm has died down. And the child or adult, who had been such a problem, such a nudge, such a general pain in the neck to himself and everybody else, that person starts doing things he'd never been able to do before. He surprises everyone around him, and he surprises himself. I use the male pronoun, but it could just as easily be she, as we are seeing more and more ADD among females as we are looking for it.

(The truth will set you free. What happens is the outlook changes with diagnosis. Instead of believing things about themselves..like they are bad, or worthless, or stupid...they see that they have a viable illness, that they CAN take control of their lives and that their lives CAN be better. They can have friends, make good grades, complete their homework. Proper diagnosis alone can do wonders.)

Often these people are highly imaginative and intuitive. They have a "feel" for things, a way of seeing right into the heart of matters while others have to reason their way along methodically. This is the person who can't explain how he thought of the solution, or where the idea for the story came from, or why suddenly he produced such a painting, or how he knew the short cut to the answer, but all he can say is he just knew it, he could feel it. This is the man or woman who makes million dollar deals in a catnap and pulls them off the next day. This is the child who, having been reprimanded for blurting something out, is then praised for having blurted out something brilliant. These are the people who learn and know and do and go by touch and feel.

(This is very much how I operate. Instinct is everything to me. I can tell you things about people after observing them for awhile that just blows them away. It's pretty much how I've done my blog, too. "Gifted" is definitely a label that is often associated with ADD and often the source of such frustration because these results, this fantastic stuff you see, it's so hard to gain consistancy with it. Some days your brain just doesn't work right, no matter how hard you want it to. And it does get worse with menopause. Much worse.)

These people can feel a lot. In places where most of us are blind, they can, if not see the light, at least feel the light, and they can produce answers apparently out of the dark. It is important for others to be sensitive to this "sixth sense" many ADD people have, and to nurture it. If the environment insists on rational, linear thinking and "good" behavior from these people all the time, then they may never develop their intuitive style to the point where they can use it profitably. It can be exasperating to listen to people talk. They can sound so vague or rambling. But if you take them seriously and grope along with them, often you will find they are on the brink of startling conclusions or surprising solutions.

(Holy crap, yeah, we are able to see because we can process so much so much faster. At least take it in...the processing part takes awhile.)

What I am saying is that their cognitive style is qualitatively different from most people's, and what may seem impaired, with patience and encouragement may become gifted.

(See, there's that gifted word. The prior paragraph really does describe my blog..to a tee....in the millions of words..there are a few gems of wisdom...)

The thing to remember is that if the diagnosis can be made, then most of the bad stuff associated with ADD can be avoided or contained. The diagnosis can be liberating, particularly for people who have been stuck with labels like, "lazy", "stubborn", "willful", "disruptive", "impossible", "tyrannical", "a spaceshot", "brain damaged", "stupid", or just plain "bad". Making the diagnosis of ADD can take the case from the court of moral judgment to the clinic of neuropsychiatric treatment.

(And this right here is the key to recovery. You can't fix stupid and these people are unfairly labeled a lot of things. Name calling and labeling of people never, ever, helps. Most people are not happy living the way they are living and a little kindness and understanding goes a very long way.)

What is the treatment all about? Anything that turns down the noise. Just making the diagnosis helps turn down the noise of guilt and self-recrimination. Building certain kinds of structure into one's life can help a lot. Working in small spurts rather than long hauls. Breaking tasks down into smaller tasks. Making lists. Getting help where you need it, whether it's having a secretary, or an accountant, or an automatic bank teller, or a good filing system, or a home computer, getting help where you need it. Maybe applying external limits on your impulses. Or getting enough exercise to work off some of the noise inside. Finding support. Getting someone in your corner to coach you, to keep you on track. Medication can help a great deal too, but it is far from the whole solution. The good news is that treatment can really help.

(Treatment CAN really help and treatment takes on so many forms. The best and finest thing that can be done is to put into place a workable system of structure. For me, this means writing a daily schedule of things I am supposed to do every day...including block scheduling of free time...when to eat, when to shower..all of that. Sounds stupid, but it works. ADD people have notoriously poor memories and eating habits of ADDers is typically horrendous. I wait until I'm too hungry and snack on crap while I'm cooking..this can lead to weight problems and health problems..all of that.)

Let me leave you by telling you that we need your help and understanding. We may make mess-piles wherever we go, but with your help, those mess-piles can be turned into realms of reason and art. So, if you know someone like me who's acting up and daydreaming and forgetting this or that and just not getting with the program, consider ADD before he starts believing all the bad things people are saying about him and it's too late.

The main point of the talk is that there is a more complex subjective experience to ADD than a list of symptoms can possibly impart. ADD is a way of life, and until recently it has been hidden, even from the view of those who have it. The human experience of ADD is more than just a collection of symptoms. It is a way of living. Before the syndrome is diagnosed that way of living may be filled with pain and misunderstanding. After the diagnosis is made, one often finds new possibilities and the chance for real change.

The adult syndrome of ADD, so long unrecognized, is now at last bursting upon the scene. Thankfully, millions of adults who have had to think of themselves as defective or unable to get their acts together, will instead be able to make the most of their considerable abilities. It is a hopeful time indeed.



This article is a little old, but all the information is still pertinent. This is why I will say that technology is a good and bad for kids and adults with ADD. I was old before I was diagnosed so there has been a LOT of behaviors and coping mechanisms I have had to unlearn while trying to learn different ones. It's much easier to treat the kids because their little brains are not hardwired just yet.
On to the technology thing..technology just puts more stuff out there to pay attention to. Thankfully, they do install OFF buttons on computers. But when you think about what it really is...a lack of ability to filter information really...then you can see the toll technology can take. 24 hour news, internet..all that. On the same token, technology is really helpful. Being able to just work with a calendar program and print everything out after I preload my list makes life a LOT easier. I don't have to remember as much if it's already written down. I catch myself getting distracted and go "Oh, where am I?" Then I look at my little list and know what I'm supposed to be doing next. And that has got to include the basics and definitely "down time". A lot of times, the ADDer will see the list of things that has to be done and get overwhelmed..think..I am NEVER going to get this done..I am NEVER going to get to relax again and so they procrastinate. If it is on a schedule that there is 2 hours of down time, it frees the mind up somewhere and allows it to focus on the necessary things. It's like a built in reward system or something. There is no waiting for the right opportunity when you are an ADDer...it's all about making your own.

The name of the game, the real skills that need to be taught to make the most difference...prioritization and organization.

Make no mistake. This is a very real disorder and it can, untreated, wreak HAVOC on your life and the lives of those around you.

Worry and Underachievement

I hate to say it but these are the themes of my life. I've been analyzing the state of worry the past..I don't know..only few days consciously, but let me tell y'all something.

I am a worry wart. The only real problem with that is ..is that when I am worried that is ALL I can do. I wish I could learn to clean and worry at the same time, but when a worry takes hold, man, it's like a dog with a bone. I cannot let it go until I have made a plan of action and committed that plan of action to paper. Why? Because when I am worried, I cannot even remember to eat and if I don't have a daily schedule written, I will just sit and worry. If I have it on paper, I can refer to it and at least not lose a ton of ground anyway.

Too much worry triggers depression which takes on whatever form it feels like depending upon the hormone levels. Mostly it just makes me an utter and complete bitch. Evil, even.

All this put together takes on the appearance of underachieving and sometimes the mechanism there is simply being overwhelmed. There ain't no point in doing anything unless you are going to do it right. But, that is exactly what brings on the overwhelmed feeling. Do I really have 4 hours to spend cooking supper every night and think that I'm going to get everything else done to my standard? That is the disorganization part of the ADD. It all jumbles together and what you have, in appearance, is one lazy lady.

And we won't even get into what the OCD or PTSD does. It seems all are flairing up as a result of all the recent stress. I am having to take a crash course in how to manage everything again. Funny, how stress is a trigger..but one thing I'm happy to note is that my natural instinct during this time is to pretty much refrain from alcohol. Alcohol NEVER makes it better. Learned that when I was young.

I talked to the senior chief about getting some professional help with all this crap and he laughed..not in a bad way, but he says he doesn't know anyone more qualified than me and we'd honestly be pissing our money away. That has been our past experiences with things ...I cannot deny the truth in that...that is the perfectionist in me that comes out....hehe...

Some of these qualities are not bad...they really aren't but you know, all things in moderation is the key. Balance. Yin and Yang. Balance between planning and action.

Bottom line. Worry can be paralyzing.

Good Reading

There is nothing quite so satisfying for me, nothing that can just bring on instant relaxation like a good book. Better than any antidepressant or anything else, really, a good book.

And, once you've found one you really like, is there nothing more satisfying, or comforting than being able to, at a whim, slip quietly into the lives of your favorite characters, to escape this world, but for a little while?

I finally picked up a copy of Atlas Shrugged and I do believe, even just a few chapters in, that it is going to take on the texture and familiarity of a new favorite book.

Some books are made for devouring, like Harry Potter. Some books are made for savoring. This would be one of those.

I've been meaning to read it for years, really, but my book list is so long right now I just finally got to it.

Does anyone else have a running book list..years worth even of books they'd like to read? I don't think the senior chief has chosen his own book in years, honestly. He doesn't mind my picks, though, and he's turned me on to a few I might not have read otherwise, like Job, Tom Clancy, and a few science fiction books. I, Robot was a senior chief pick.

Today is much calmer. Probably due to good reading. Nothing beats it.

Censorship

Ha! Ha! The senior chief was reading some blogs the other day and there was one he thought might be offensive to me or something because every time I'd walk over to read it, he'd scroll the damn thing off the page. It started pissing me off...I asked him what his problem was...Oh.

Dayum..been reading these guys write posts about bouncy jiggly female parts for a couple of years. He seriously thought I might be offended. I laughed my little (not) ass off.

How funny is that?

A Change of Tone

Ok, some funny stuff did happen through all this bullshit. Well, it makes me laugh my ass off, anyway.

When I went to pick up number one son to get the baby, he wasn't quite ready yet. He felt like we had time for a couple of beers. I didn't as I was driving, but at least I got the invite.

He does this thing...he never ever introduces me to people. I don't know if he doesn't know how ...like ..in what sense..does he introduce me as Kelly, Mom, or Stepmom? I don't give a crap, personally, but I guess he stumbles over it. You'd think he'd just ask, right? No, his answer is to perform no introductions whatsoever...so I roll with that, too.

That means people make assumptions, though, and that is always worse.

So we're standing there with Paco or Pancho or who the hell ever...no intros, remember...and he says...You are MOM?? I said, why, yes, I am. And he was all like...REALLY? You do not look old enough. And, my standard response to that is, Yeah, I know. Then he says...I thought you were his WIFE. I laughed ...this is not the first time this has happened..

*I* think it's funny. *He* HATES it. But if he'd do the right thing and perform and introduction now and then, people wouldn't have to guess stuff. Same thing with communication in general.