Yeah, the flaw in the parenting technique of.."it's for the kids" and all of this..is that we raise our children for 18 years to obey, teaching them to conform, teaching them to follow rules, then at 18 years and one day, we expect them to be able to be independent thinkers with a vision of what they want to do for the rest of their lives.
At 18, they want to stay out as long as they want..they want to break rules then. The other option is to raise them to be independent thinkers. That means there's a lot more negotiating and a lot more explaining when it comes to rule making. I was always pretty good with that. Convince me of why you should get to do this or that..and an increase in priviledges always came with an increase in responsibility. That's life.
I'm not a because I said so kind of parent. I'm a parent who points out the facts..the responsibilities and helps come up with a plan to take care of the needs.
I was talking with the 19 year old and he's pretty restless. He's a normal 19 year old. He wants a little adventure in his life. His life now consists of work, sleep, and a couple of visitors on his days off. I told him...well, you have a damn vacation coming up, don't you? Well, pick someplace you want to go, save your money and take a damn vacation. Ha! He looked at me like it had never occurred to him to do that.
Why? Because all his life he's been imbued with 'duty'. He is fighting the fact that he hasn't gone to see his mother in two years. I explained to him that it is his vacation time. He earned it and he's been working hard for it. He owes it to nobody to go and do chores for them on his time that he's got off. He's the one that has sacrificed to have that time. Not me, not his mom, not anybody.
You'd have thought I'd have set him free. In a way, I did, really..such a simple concept. It was that simple because the lines of communication have been open that way since I've known him. If he, or any of mine, come to me with something...it's that simple. I'll tell them what they need or give them some ideas on things they can do to accomplish their goals. Whatever they may be. I don't place judgement on that, or wish for them to be anybody but themselves.
I mean, I do not want my Army boy to go to Iraq....that is my selfish desire as a parent. It's just how I feel. But, my feelings do not count when it comes to the life of another. He wants to do this and it's done anyway, so, I'm there to support him in his dream. I know that he is capable of evaluating a situation and making a good decision based on his needs, wants, and desires.
It's like the same thing as sucking it up when they are little and watching all those stupid tv shows that they like when you'd much rather be reading or watching something more adult oriented. Or getting down on the floor and playing with them and entering their world for a little while and doing things that they enjoy.
It's no different than that. You don't see them playing a game, ask to join them, and then change the game? On a larger scale, or an older scale, it's the same thing.
Obviously, this applies to legal activities and whatnot. If your child's bliss is to sell crack on the street, then that's a different story altogether.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Constant Change
I have come to the conclusion that that's what my life is going to be. Constant change.
I was sitting at the hair dresser's and she asked what I did so I told her that for x amount of years, I was in the Navy, and then I spent x amount of years raising x amount of kids and now we were on to something different altogether and she commented that my, for someone so young, I have done a LOT.
I never really thought about it, but most people aren't starting on their third career at the age of forty and most people haven't had the diversity of work experience at such a young age before, either. Cool! That's the upside to having constant change. The downside is ..well..the constant change, you never get a chance to feel comfortable...truly comfortable with what you do.
I've thought about this a bit too and that comfort with what you do..is a bit overrated. The world around us has been constantly changing since the advent of the internet and the integration of communications technology, so it only goes to reason that the survival of the fittest must be able to adapt in an ever changing environment.
However, don't people have some kind of plateau where they can just...rest for awhile. I'd like one of those, anyway. Back to the comfort thing..when you get comfortable, you'd like to think that you get more efficient at what you do..you like to believe that comes with comfort. That's a myth. For some, when you become comfortable, you become complacent. You also become combative to new techniques and ideas that come from an ever changing world. Hardwired is what comes from comfort.
To maintain the elasticity of the brain, one must continually place oneself in unfamiliar situations and be open to unfamiliar ideas, so the brain has no chance to hardwire.
That technique does make for some neuroses, though, without a doubt. Hey..you take the good, you take the bad....it all balances in the end. Now y'all are singing a song, too, and don't even know where it came from. Haha!
I was sitting at the hair dresser's and she asked what I did so I told her that for x amount of years, I was in the Navy, and then I spent x amount of years raising x amount of kids and now we were on to something different altogether and she commented that my, for someone so young, I have done a LOT.
I never really thought about it, but most people aren't starting on their third career at the age of forty and most people haven't had the diversity of work experience at such a young age before, either. Cool! That's the upside to having constant change. The downside is ..well..the constant change, you never get a chance to feel comfortable...truly comfortable with what you do.
I've thought about this a bit too and that comfort with what you do..is a bit overrated. The world around us has been constantly changing since the advent of the internet and the integration of communications technology, so it only goes to reason that the survival of the fittest must be able to adapt in an ever changing environment.
However, don't people have some kind of plateau where they can just...rest for awhile. I'd like one of those, anyway. Back to the comfort thing..when you get comfortable, you'd like to think that you get more efficient at what you do..you like to believe that comes with comfort. That's a myth. For some, when you become comfortable, you become complacent. You also become combative to new techniques and ideas that come from an ever changing world. Hardwired is what comes from comfort.
To maintain the elasticity of the brain, one must continually place oneself in unfamiliar situations and be open to unfamiliar ideas, so the brain has no chance to hardwire.
That technique does make for some neuroses, though, without a doubt. Hey..you take the good, you take the bad....it all balances in the end. Now y'all are singing a song, too, and don't even know where it came from. Haha!
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Road Trip
Army boy is getting ready to head out to Iraq next week. This up-coming weekend will be his last in country for 18 months or so.
So, the senior chief and I are going to head out to Texas and see him off. Guess we're going to have a little family reunion in the Hill country.
The senior chief's family never ceases to amaze me. His uncle lives over there and this man is 86 years old..just had emergency gall bladder surgery a couple of days ago...and when he heard we were going to be near...it was decided that we would stay with him. He's ready to PARTY.
I'm telling you...I wanted to hear his voice for myself and he was all...oh, no, I'm not in pain at all like he was running laps or something. Totally amazing.
So, the senior chief and I are going to head out to Texas and see him off. Guess we're going to have a little family reunion in the Hill country.
The senior chief's family never ceases to amaze me. His uncle lives over there and this man is 86 years old..just had emergency gall bladder surgery a couple of days ago...and when he heard we were going to be near...it was decided that we would stay with him. He's ready to PARTY.
I'm telling you...I wanted to hear his voice for myself and he was all...oh, no, I'm not in pain at all like he was running laps or something. Totally amazing.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Subtleties
It's the subtleties that are so painful, really. Once, my mother sent an unsolicited email to her grandson, telling him that she was going to send him some things of his grandfather's and some home made cookies that he (my dad) was very fond of.
His (my son's)birthday came closer and closer and there was no package, so he sent her a letter and asked her where the stuff was. She replied by telling him he had to be patient and learn to just ..you know I don't even remember how it was worded exactly, but the end result is that he felt horrible for asking for something that she offered in the first place. And did she ever send it? No. And that was some years ago.
That pretty much sums it up in a nutshell, really. She isn't any different for her grandchildren than she ever was for me, so I really would just like to be done with it.
I just do not want to have a relationship with someone who treats me that way and makes me feel bad all the time. It's pretty simple really. Hey, there are relationships like that..it's not such a bad thing to know that just because you don't TALK to someone every day, if there is a real need, you know you can count on them...a lot of people do not have even that.
However, that does not mean that if there is not a true need, I would not be there. Nobody had to ask me twice to come when she had a heart attack. If I would have known about the artery surgery she just had, if there would have been a real reason for me to be there, I would have been. I am not cold-hearted like THAT. Any time my brother needs me, I have told him to call....
Her response to this will be to puff up like a blowfish and sputter something about being a burden and all that and some stuff full of pride. Well, Mother, a little advice back at ya...be grateful for what you DO have and Pride Goeth Before The Fall.
His (my son's)birthday came closer and closer and there was no package, so he sent her a letter and asked her where the stuff was. She replied by telling him he had to be patient and learn to just ..you know I don't even remember how it was worded exactly, but the end result is that he felt horrible for asking for something that she offered in the first place. And did she ever send it? No. And that was some years ago.
That pretty much sums it up in a nutshell, really. She isn't any different for her grandchildren than she ever was for me, so I really would just like to be done with it.
I just do not want to have a relationship with someone who treats me that way and makes me feel bad all the time. It's pretty simple really. Hey, there are relationships like that..it's not such a bad thing to know that just because you don't TALK to someone every day, if there is a real need, you know you can count on them...a lot of people do not have even that.
However, that does not mean that if there is not a true need, I would not be there. Nobody had to ask me twice to come when she had a heart attack. If I would have known about the artery surgery she just had, if there would have been a real reason for me to be there, I would have been. I am not cold-hearted like THAT. Any time my brother needs me, I have told him to call....
Her response to this will be to puff up like a blowfish and sputter something about being a burden and all that and some stuff full of pride. Well, Mother, a little advice back at ya...be grateful for what you DO have and Pride Goeth Before The Fall.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Do I REALLY Need To Go On?
For those of you that are wondering..why are you doing this..I have several answers. Number one, because that's what all the therapists tell you to do..as a means of dealing with grief. Usually this applies after the person is dead. Why wait til then? Hey, then it's all out in the open, eh? Number two, because this is what she wants. Sort of. She doesn't know that she doesn't really want it yet, but that is how she operates. She never knows until after the fact. Number three, because in that desire to know, she has alienated some from me, and sicced others on me. Whoever she thinks will have influence, is who she tries to get to sway me to talk to her. I hear over and over again..but WHY? and I don't usually have to talk very long before people understand why, and understand that my course of action...just to not speak on the matter at all..is probably the best choice..however, she isn't going to rest until she knows...so may the burden of knowledge be on her.
I did listen to my dad some when he raised certain arguments with me about my future husband...and I prepared my out. My out was the Navy. Though I got married, I didn't disenlist. So, when shit hit the fan, I had a place to go. I didn't move back in with my parents, I moved into the barracks instead. There was better security there and I was safer. There were people that cared more for me there.
After school was over and I transferred to my permanent duty station, I spent some time away for awhile. It eventually came out but I spent some time where nobody knew where I was beyond the necessary recall purposes and if you wanted that kept secret, then it was.
So went the next three years. When I was 21, I found out I was pregnant. I was not in love with the baby's father, so I saw no need to complicate things further than that. I had been living with some roommates and I got an apartment of my own later on.
When I broke the news to my parents, my dad had a few harsh words..but I forgot those because in the ensuing months, he held doors for me, never let me carry anything heavy, etc...and loved that baby with all he had. He was always happy to see that kid.
My mother...she advised me to abort. I told her then that I wasn't asking her advice, I was informing her of my decision..and some other things. I stood up to her then, you bet I did.
Most of the speeches I remember her making on the subject were about how she was so afraid she was going to wind up like some of her friends and have to raise her grandkids and she felt like she had done her part. And believe you me, she just went and rode that paranoia all the way. She wouldn't even babysit when we lived in the same house...once when they lived with me, and once when I lived with them.
Her actions since then..have done nothing but back up what she said then. He's eighteen years old now and she sure doesn't have a relationship with him, either. She threw that away with everything else.
I did listen to my dad some when he raised certain arguments with me about my future husband...and I prepared my out. My out was the Navy. Though I got married, I didn't disenlist. So, when shit hit the fan, I had a place to go. I didn't move back in with my parents, I moved into the barracks instead. There was better security there and I was safer. There were people that cared more for me there.
After school was over and I transferred to my permanent duty station, I spent some time away for awhile. It eventually came out but I spent some time where nobody knew where I was beyond the necessary recall purposes and if you wanted that kept secret, then it was.
So went the next three years. When I was 21, I found out I was pregnant. I was not in love with the baby's father, so I saw no need to complicate things further than that. I had been living with some roommates and I got an apartment of my own later on.
When I broke the news to my parents, my dad had a few harsh words..but I forgot those because in the ensuing months, he held doors for me, never let me carry anything heavy, etc...and loved that baby with all he had. He was always happy to see that kid.
My mother...she advised me to abort. I told her then that I wasn't asking her advice, I was informing her of my decision..and some other things. I stood up to her then, you bet I did.
Most of the speeches I remember her making on the subject were about how she was so afraid she was going to wind up like some of her friends and have to raise her grandkids and she felt like she had done her part. And believe you me, she just went and rode that paranoia all the way. She wouldn't even babysit when we lived in the same house...once when they lived with me, and once when I lived with them.
Her actions since then..have done nothing but back up what she said then. He's eighteen years old now and she sure doesn't have a relationship with him, either. She threw that away with everything else.
Circle Of Life
It's funny how life is a circle in so many ways, isn't it? How the ebbs and tides of time bring people into your life and then take them away and then bring them back...
I'm not here to say that I had the worst mother in the world, because I didn't. There were and are far worse mothers than mine and fathers too. Maybe that's why I need to tell this story, because, it's a lot..representative.
You see, I didn't realize many things until I was a parent myself and faced with many of the same situations as my parents. My mother thinks that I never saw my father as a man...I did. I saw him for exactly who he was...as a person. He didn't always handle things correctly with me...he didn't always say the right thing. But, he always, always...DID the right thing. Actions are sometimes not louder than words at the time, but in the long run, they are.
What it really honestly boils down to is that my mother was not there for me ever. I'll start with one story from my adulthood. When I was 19..seems as good a place to start as any...anyway, when I was 19, I met a guy and we decided to get married. My parents were tweaked by him....but I was too inexperienced to see him for what he was. I caught on quick, though, trust me. Anyway, so my mother threatened to boycott the wedding, stated several times that she wished she could wear black and made it generally miserable. My dad said little..he said some later, but his words were designed for humor. I think what he told the senior chief was that some days were better spent drunk, and I can get that in retrospect and even laugh my ass off about it.
As it played out, this time they ..she... was right. He beat the crap out of me. So, it took all of everything I had to tell my mother this, and her response to me was ..."Don't come here and tell me stuff like this because *I* can't deal with it." She said some other stuff that amounted to some tough love crap in parenting that was popular at the time. My dad, he responded to the knowledge...and things had to progress to the point that dude buddy held a gun to my head all night long...and my dad sent me to talk to a friend of his. My dad also was the one that went with me to get my stuff ..well, my mother was there, too..but it was too late by then for her presence. It was all a show to me at that point. If my dad hadn't gone, she wouldn't have gone either. She could never do a thing without someone's approval first.
And so I moved into the barracks and began my new life. There were strangers on the street that were more helpful than my mother was at one of the worst times of my life. No thanks to her, I lived to tell about it. And if you are reading this, mother, as I know you are...do not even comment or send me an email because get this...I do not want to hear it.
And here's the moral to the story...Offer a damn solution. I have told kids of mine..do not come back here UNTIL you have tried, this, this or this...and then tell me what happened. But you don't ever, ever, shut the door on someone in a crisis. So, see my quandary...all the very things like that that I do now...I learned this way. Am I angry..you bet your ass I'm angry. I've had fights with my eldest but when he was in a crisis...I was there for him. Period.
And gee, if there had been any credibility built there, then I might have listened, eh?
I'm not here to say that I had the worst mother in the world, because I didn't. There were and are far worse mothers than mine and fathers too. Maybe that's why I need to tell this story, because, it's a lot..representative.
You see, I didn't realize many things until I was a parent myself and faced with many of the same situations as my parents. My mother thinks that I never saw my father as a man...I did. I saw him for exactly who he was...as a person. He didn't always handle things correctly with me...he didn't always say the right thing. But, he always, always...DID the right thing. Actions are sometimes not louder than words at the time, but in the long run, they are.
What it really honestly boils down to is that my mother was not there for me ever. I'll start with one story from my adulthood. When I was 19..seems as good a place to start as any...anyway, when I was 19, I met a guy and we decided to get married. My parents were tweaked by him....but I was too inexperienced to see him for what he was. I caught on quick, though, trust me. Anyway, so my mother threatened to boycott the wedding, stated several times that she wished she could wear black and made it generally miserable. My dad said little..he said some later, but his words were designed for humor. I think what he told the senior chief was that some days were better spent drunk, and I can get that in retrospect and even laugh my ass off about it.
As it played out, this time they ..she... was right. He beat the crap out of me. So, it took all of everything I had to tell my mother this, and her response to me was ..."Don't come here and tell me stuff like this because *I* can't deal with it." She said some other stuff that amounted to some tough love crap in parenting that was popular at the time. My dad, he responded to the knowledge...and things had to progress to the point that dude buddy held a gun to my head all night long...and my dad sent me to talk to a friend of his. My dad also was the one that went with me to get my stuff ..well, my mother was there, too..but it was too late by then for her presence. It was all a show to me at that point. If my dad hadn't gone, she wouldn't have gone either. She could never do a thing without someone's approval first.
And so I moved into the barracks and began my new life. There were strangers on the street that were more helpful than my mother was at one of the worst times of my life. No thanks to her, I lived to tell about it. And if you are reading this, mother, as I know you are...do not even comment or send me an email because get this...I do not want to hear it.
And here's the moral to the story...Offer a damn solution. I have told kids of mine..do not come back here UNTIL you have tried, this, this or this...and then tell me what happened. But you don't ever, ever, shut the door on someone in a crisis. So, see my quandary...all the very things like that that I do now...I learned this way. Am I angry..you bet your ass I'm angry. I've had fights with my eldest but when he was in a crisis...I was there for him. Period.
And gee, if there had been any credibility built there, then I might have listened, eh?
Friday, February 22, 2008
Busted
Nothing like getting busted by your kids in a compromising situation, eh? Hey, I know all you married folks been there. So, last weekend, me and the senior chief were busted by the oldest living here and the youngest...geez. The youngest comes back later and he says in his big little voice....
"Well, all I can say is you two must love each other a WHOLE bunch."
"Well, all I can say is you two must love each other a WHOLE bunch."
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Ok, It's Like Squeezing A Pimple
I swear, once I get this out, I will be done and never bring it up again, except in passing, but the time has come to take a stand.
Let me ask you to think about your own mother, for a second, and think about all your major life hurdles and the role she played in it.
My mother was orphaned at a very young age, so when she thinks of things like that, all she can really think is that she wanted a mother to be there. A physical body would have done it for her, in her own mind. She thinks if she would have had merely a physical body for a parent, her life would have been different. She never took the time to vocalize what she thought that parent should be or do. She had a representation in her own mind, I'm sure, but she was never able to achieve it AS a parent, because she never really wanted to be a parent in the first place.
What happened is this orphan child found a person that loved her unconditionally. That my father did, I have no doubt. He loved her, and it was unconditionally. I never really understood it, really, but on some levels, I do. I understand it a lot. I can easily look at my mother at the age of 21 and see what my father saw in her.
This is constantly at war with my own experiences with her, honestly, and it makes me really angry to think about the incongruences..to see what she can be and is for other people, yet always refused to be with me.
Why? I cannot really fathom except that I stole the only person that loved her unconditionally, really. I mean, if you go by what I was told, and how those words were backed up with actions, then I have every reason to believe you would come to the same conclusions as me.
Let us leave this story here for now. I know, I've alluded to a lot, but said nothing really and bear with me. I need to choose my words carefully, and if I did nothing less, then you'd think less of me really.
But, honestly, I'm truly in a good mood tonight, and as Sat. nights that are so warm and inviting don't come so very often, I'm going to take some time to enjoy this one. Besides, my favorite adopted kid just drove up and I love him so much that I'm going to give him some undivided attention.
Y'all be good.
Let me ask you to think about your own mother, for a second, and think about all your major life hurdles and the role she played in it.
My mother was orphaned at a very young age, so when she thinks of things like that, all she can really think is that she wanted a mother to be there. A physical body would have done it for her, in her own mind. She thinks if she would have had merely a physical body for a parent, her life would have been different. She never took the time to vocalize what she thought that parent should be or do. She had a representation in her own mind, I'm sure, but she was never able to achieve it AS a parent, because she never really wanted to be a parent in the first place.
What happened is this orphan child found a person that loved her unconditionally. That my father did, I have no doubt. He loved her, and it was unconditionally. I never really understood it, really, but on some levels, I do. I understand it a lot. I can easily look at my mother at the age of 21 and see what my father saw in her.
This is constantly at war with my own experiences with her, honestly, and it makes me really angry to think about the incongruences..to see what she can be and is for other people, yet always refused to be with me.
Why? I cannot really fathom except that I stole the only person that loved her unconditionally, really. I mean, if you go by what I was told, and how those words were backed up with actions, then I have every reason to believe you would come to the same conclusions as me.
Let us leave this story here for now. I know, I've alluded to a lot, but said nothing really and bear with me. I need to choose my words carefully, and if I did nothing less, then you'd think less of me really.
But, honestly, I'm truly in a good mood tonight, and as Sat. nights that are so warm and inviting don't come so very often, I'm going to take some time to enjoy this one. Besides, my favorite adopted kid just drove up and I love him so much that I'm going to give him some undivided attention.
Y'all be good.
Christ Almighty
Shit, I can't even be in a bad mood when my girl Sandy leaves me a comment and has me spitting my damn wine all over the senior chief's computer and falling off my stool and all that.
Man, girl, I told the senior chief that if you and I ever get a chance to raise some hell, he better have the bail money ready or whatever..ha!ha! He said.."Hell Yeah"
Bless his heart, he loves his little rebel woman. He does a bit of lurking, and he completely ...understands why I love who I love.
Well, he had a hard time understanding my relationship with my Navy buddy until recently...but not that he cared, he just didn't understand it,exactly, but he does now.
Anyhoo, I'm pretty damn happy! Junior won 2 races and my man Stewart won the third, and it's just AWESOME on that new tv. Holy crap...you can damn near smell the fumes!
Talladega is so soon, I can just feel it. I cannot wait. The kids get to go this time for maintaining all those good grades and they're really excited, too. We are going clothes shopping on Monday to take advantage of all the sales and just upgrade some stuff. They grow so fast.
Man, girl, I told the senior chief that if you and I ever get a chance to raise some hell, he better have the bail money ready or whatever..ha!ha! He said.."Hell Yeah"
Bless his heart, he loves his little rebel woman. He does a bit of lurking, and he completely ...understands why I love who I love.
Well, he had a hard time understanding my relationship with my Navy buddy until recently...but not that he cared, he just didn't understand it,exactly, but he does now.
Anyhoo, I'm pretty damn happy! Junior won 2 races and my man Stewart won the third, and it's just AWESOME on that new tv. Holy crap...you can damn near smell the fumes!
Talladega is so soon, I can just feel it. I cannot wait. The kids get to go this time for maintaining all those good grades and they're really excited, too. We are going clothes shopping on Monday to take advantage of all the sales and just upgrade some stuff. They grow so fast.
So, It Comes To This.. A long Read..Popcorn Needed.
Nickelback does a song...and one of the lines goes..."Something's gotta go wrong, cuz I'm feeling way too damn good."
I hear the advice of some of my favorite people telling me to enjoy myself, to not question the good times...and yet...
I always do. There's always that special person lurking in my background to make sure I do. To make me feel bad.
My policy..and some of you love me for it..is to name the demon.
The name of the demon in this case is my mother. I won't even grace her with "mom". She's never been a mom to me. I'm sorry for it because she lost more than she knows.
For all you religious folks out there...I am very well aware of the commandment to honor thy mother and thy father or whatever biblical words it is..I get it. Trust me. This is why I've stayed silent on this subject for so long except in certain circles.
You see, my blog has been compromised. I have studied security measures and I know who my leak is, and she knows who she is, too, and she needs to know that I forgive her. I love her for her intentions, but she made the wrong choice in this case and her identity shall be forever known only between she and I, I can only hope she takes something from this.
First of all, let us understand who is now a part of my readership and who has chosen to use what she sees here as a way to try and do whatever. At this point, intentions are unknown, because I only have 40 years of history to go by and I can only assume, not having had contact with this person in quite a few years.
I know, a lot of you will be shrinking inside thinking OMG if MY mom found my blog...etc. etc. I've known a few of you to move just for that alone and not for any insidious reasons.
I'm NOT moving because my mother reads this but I am soon going to illustrate why it doesn't even matter. I do not care. She is the most manipulative person, the most selfish, the most needy, and the most illustrative of those that Ayn Rand was talking about, whom she professed to hate, by the way.
Yes, she shaped my life and I'm just ill over that. She made me who I am..the worst parts of me. When I am fighting the voices inside, the ugly side of me, I am in a direct war with my mother.
Why am I saying this in my blog? Because I care about people and I don't want anyone to be a victim as I have been. I want people to know there ARE choices..you are not locked into being the sacrificial child unless you choose to be.
I am tired of being told that I make my decisions because I think I'm too good for them because of this that or the other. I'm too good for them because I choose to not be drug down by them anymore.
I want others to understand that they only have one life to live and they do not have to be drug down or descend into the sickness because others think it owed to them. It's funny, because in a way, this is what this blog is all about.
Four years of skirting the subject and writing about other things when this is the underlying theme, the underlying drive to my whole existance...well, the big fight anyway...and it doesn't just include her, there are many others like minded.
Remember the "tough love" fad in parenting. Yeah, me too.
So, in advance, any of my regular readers, I apologize for the "burden of knowledge", for others, that I know in my heart need this...take what you can and apply it as you need to. My way isn't everybody's way. Find what works for you. I'll try to find some of the words.
I hear the advice of some of my favorite people telling me to enjoy myself, to not question the good times...and yet...
I always do. There's always that special person lurking in my background to make sure I do. To make me feel bad.
My policy..and some of you love me for it..is to name the demon.
The name of the demon in this case is my mother. I won't even grace her with "mom". She's never been a mom to me. I'm sorry for it because she lost more than she knows.
For all you religious folks out there...I am very well aware of the commandment to honor thy mother and thy father or whatever biblical words it is..I get it. Trust me. This is why I've stayed silent on this subject for so long except in certain circles.
You see, my blog has been compromised. I have studied security measures and I know who my leak is, and she knows who she is, too, and she needs to know that I forgive her. I love her for her intentions, but she made the wrong choice in this case and her identity shall be forever known only between she and I, I can only hope she takes something from this.
First of all, let us understand who is now a part of my readership and who has chosen to use what she sees here as a way to try and do whatever. At this point, intentions are unknown, because I only have 40 years of history to go by and I can only assume, not having had contact with this person in quite a few years.
I know, a lot of you will be shrinking inside thinking OMG if MY mom found my blog...etc. etc. I've known a few of you to move just for that alone and not for any insidious reasons.
I'm NOT moving because my mother reads this but I am soon going to illustrate why it doesn't even matter. I do not care. She is the most manipulative person, the most selfish, the most needy, and the most illustrative of those that Ayn Rand was talking about, whom she professed to hate, by the way.
Yes, she shaped my life and I'm just ill over that. She made me who I am..the worst parts of me. When I am fighting the voices inside, the ugly side of me, I am in a direct war with my mother.
Why am I saying this in my blog? Because I care about people and I don't want anyone to be a victim as I have been. I want people to know there ARE choices..you are not locked into being the sacrificial child unless you choose to be.
I am tired of being told that I make my decisions because I think I'm too good for them because of this that or the other. I'm too good for them because I choose to not be drug down by them anymore.
I want others to understand that they only have one life to live and they do not have to be drug down or descend into the sickness because others think it owed to them. It's funny, because in a way, this is what this blog is all about.
Four years of skirting the subject and writing about other things when this is the underlying theme, the underlying drive to my whole existance...well, the big fight anyway...and it doesn't just include her, there are many others like minded.
Remember the "tough love" fad in parenting. Yeah, me too.
So, in advance, any of my regular readers, I apologize for the "burden of knowledge", for others, that I know in my heart need this...take what you can and apply it as you need to. My way isn't everybody's way. Find what works for you. I'll try to find some of the words.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Crazy Kids
Ok, so two weeks ago, my little people informed me that I did not need to BUY valentine's for their classes because they were going to MAKE them. And so they spent a day making Valentines.
What is today? Today is the day BEFORE Valentine's Day. I did not buy them valentines, as per requested. What do I get today? Two pairs of blue eyes pleading with me to buy them some valentine's because they...forgot...
My response...No. So, now they are at the dining room table finishing making their Valentine's.
Ask me if I care. I don't. I know, I'm mean. Too damn bad.
What is today? Today is the day BEFORE Valentine's Day. I did not buy them valentines, as per requested. What do I get today? Two pairs of blue eyes pleading with me to buy them some valentine's because they...forgot...
My response...No. So, now they are at the dining room table finishing making their Valentine's.
Ask me if I care. I don't. I know, I'm mean. Too damn bad.
Racing Season
Hell Yeah! It starts in my mind during the Rolex 24. Then, of course, there is the Bud Shootout, which Jr. won this year already...another hell yeah!
I know, it's a weeknight and I'm drinking a little wine. I've been so...focused...on all this business stuff that I haven't been able to think about creating anything.
A part of my soul craves it, though..some kind of creative outlet...wierd, used to never need that before. One of the many things about me that the senior chief discovered and drew out.
Things have taken such a turn for the better I feel like I've got the Scarlett O'Hara syndrome a little. It's wierd, but you'd think stress relief would be good and the very last of my stressors just completely dropped away. Not a worry one here. Even thinking of taking a trip or two...but funny how life works that way...either there is no time or no money but rarely both at the same time somehow.
I decided that I needed to reward the family for all their patience and whatnot, so yesterday my ass went and got a 52in big screen tv..can I get another hell yeah? Oh yeah, the Daytona party is at my house for SURE this year...haha!
On a side note...is there anyone who cannot understand what 'industrial maintenance' is? I have run into quite a few people who just do not comprehend what it is that we do and I have to figure that it's wierd, really. I mean, like bank people, insurance people..etc. They want to know...what we do. Industrial maintenance pretty much explains it in my mind, but that means absolutely nothing to most people I am learning.
So, for those that don't understand...let me explain it this way...Have you ever watched.."How it's Made" or "Ultimate Factories" on any of those educational channels? No? Well...for those that haven't ..go watch one of those and then come back.
For those of you that have...aren't those just cool shows? For me, they are market research. All those machines they show..all those cool robots and machines that just make that stuff automatically..THAT is what we fix. Any one of those machines featured on those shows...we fix those machines. I get to see that stuff in real life....ALL the time...and it is HELLA cool! Come one..to be able to walk a line and see how sticky labels are made..that's very cool, too. We used to do overhead cranes as well, but we try and stay away from those..it's riskier work and it costs more to insure and all that jazz.
But, really, is that hard to understand? The senior chief is good at programming them, as well, so that they do what they are supposed to do when they are supposed to do it because if you've watched, then you can see just how important timing is on any one of those machines.
The other day I watched how to make pool cues, air filters for your car and a couple of other things. I'm a bit oversaturated at this point.
So, woo hoo! Tomorrow is Valentine's day and me and my baby are watching some Duels on the big screen tv! Gonna have a couple of beers and snacks and kick back. Life sure is good.
I know, it's a weeknight and I'm drinking a little wine. I've been so...focused...on all this business stuff that I haven't been able to think about creating anything.
A part of my soul craves it, though..some kind of creative outlet...wierd, used to never need that before. One of the many things about me that the senior chief discovered and drew out.
Things have taken such a turn for the better I feel like I've got the Scarlett O'Hara syndrome a little. It's wierd, but you'd think stress relief would be good and the very last of my stressors just completely dropped away. Not a worry one here. Even thinking of taking a trip or two...but funny how life works that way...either there is no time or no money but rarely both at the same time somehow.
I decided that I needed to reward the family for all their patience and whatnot, so yesterday my ass went and got a 52in big screen tv..can I get another hell yeah? Oh yeah, the Daytona party is at my house for SURE this year...haha!
On a side note...is there anyone who cannot understand what 'industrial maintenance' is? I have run into quite a few people who just do not comprehend what it is that we do and I have to figure that it's wierd, really. I mean, like bank people, insurance people..etc. They want to know...what we do. Industrial maintenance pretty much explains it in my mind, but that means absolutely nothing to most people I am learning.
So, for those that don't understand...let me explain it this way...Have you ever watched.."How it's Made" or "Ultimate Factories" on any of those educational channels? No? Well...for those that haven't ..go watch one of those and then come back.
For those of you that have...aren't those just cool shows? For me, they are market research. All those machines they show..all those cool robots and machines that just make that stuff automatically..THAT is what we fix. Any one of those machines featured on those shows...we fix those machines. I get to see that stuff in real life....ALL the time...and it is HELLA cool! Come one..to be able to walk a line and see how sticky labels are made..that's very cool, too. We used to do overhead cranes as well, but we try and stay away from those..it's riskier work and it costs more to insure and all that jazz.
But, really, is that hard to understand? The senior chief is good at programming them, as well, so that they do what they are supposed to do when they are supposed to do it because if you've watched, then you can see just how important timing is on any one of those machines.
The other day I watched how to make pool cues, air filters for your car and a couple of other things. I'm a bit oversaturated at this point.
So, woo hoo! Tomorrow is Valentine's day and me and my baby are watching some Duels on the big screen tv! Gonna have a couple of beers and snacks and kick back. Life sure is good.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Creativity
To tap into the creative element requires a surrender. A surrender into pure feeling, of inhibitions..a surrender to self perhaps?
Saturday, February 09, 2008
Quiet
Well, this is the first time I've used the senior chief's computer since I crashed the hard drive..blah, blah, blah...and wouldn't you know, as soon as I have a post to write, it is the wrong damn time for the rest of the family. I guess they are hungry or something...sigh..such is life.
The bottom line is that they are spoiled rotton. It's my own damn fault too.
More later....
The bottom line is that they are spoiled rotton. It's my own damn fault too.
More later....
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Just Say No!
So, we had our first meeting here at the house the other night to celebrate recent turns of events.
In the middle, my eldest son stopped in to celebrate, too. He is always welcome, as y'all are well aware.
When they got here, I got the lowdown on their week and apparently, things have gotten tense enough where they are living to the point they felt the need to get a motel room the other night. And, then someone went in their room and stole some things from them and whatnot.
So, this is their safe haven. Those little shits came and took my blender and I didn't even know it. They let me know when they came over..they borrowed it and then brought it back...clean. I don't really care..I'm glad they feel like they can do that as long as they just borrow and my eldest has never been like that. I laughed and said I knew what to get them for the next holiday coming up. I assured my daughter in law that I only got mad and yelled like once a month.
Anyway, so in the middle of it all, my eldest son comes up and asks me if his sister in law and sister in law's brother could come over. I just blurted out...NO. Man, you come over here and tell me these people are making you miserable and then you want to invite them into your safe haven? Kid, you gotta be nuts. Keep this place for you to get away from the drama, eh?
He apparently didn't have a problem with that. Perhaps that is what he was hoping. Hey, I don't mean to be mean, but this is really a minimal drama zone. I can't handle the drama. Life is dramatic enough without adding to it.
In the middle, my eldest son stopped in to celebrate, too. He is always welcome, as y'all are well aware.
When they got here, I got the lowdown on their week and apparently, things have gotten tense enough where they are living to the point they felt the need to get a motel room the other night. And, then someone went in their room and stole some things from them and whatnot.
So, this is their safe haven. Those little shits came and took my blender and I didn't even know it. They let me know when they came over..they borrowed it and then brought it back...clean. I don't really care..I'm glad they feel like they can do that as long as they just borrow and my eldest has never been like that. I laughed and said I knew what to get them for the next holiday coming up. I assured my daughter in law that I only got mad and yelled like once a month.
Anyway, so in the middle of it all, my eldest son comes up and asks me if his sister in law and sister in law's brother could come over. I just blurted out...NO. Man, you come over here and tell me these people are making you miserable and then you want to invite them into your safe haven? Kid, you gotta be nuts. Keep this place for you to get away from the drama, eh?
He apparently didn't have a problem with that. Perhaps that is what he was hoping. Hey, I don't mean to be mean, but this is really a minimal drama zone. I can't handle the drama. Life is dramatic enough without adding to it.
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