Happiness

Happiness is having the tool you need to get the job done. It's not only having the tool you need but said tool is also in working order. As well, said tool is put back in the place where it belongs so that it's there when you need it.

Ha! Ha! Ha! What a laugh that is. The prior statement, folks, is a GOAL.

It never fails, I want to do a quick chore like sweep the kitchen floor. It's a 3 minute job. Not at my house. It takes approximately 23 min. at my house. 10 min to bitch that the broom isn't where it belongs, 10 min. to FIND the broom, and then the 3 min sweeping job.

Got a cold shower this morning because someone in my family decided that the night dishes need to be turned on first thing in the morning, because they wanted to take their shower and forgot. Well, mine was mostly warm, my eldest son probably got a cold one. (He probably needs all the cold showers he can get at his age though.) The breaker tripped and I JUST now found it. So, when my husband and next oldest son get home in a few minutes and are really, really going to want a shower..they're screwed too.

Hence the very root of my frustration. That and prioritization...or lack thereof.

Education

Usually you won't hear me bitch too much about the schools and how they teach my kids unless it's entirely inappropriate (teaching LD kids that they are in the 'dummy class' falls into that category, but that's another story).

It's the nutritional values that my children are learning in school and the resulting subtle undermining of the trust that my children have in me, that has got me on the soapbox today.

It starts with a simple rule. No candy allowed in school. Makes sense, right? You can't teach if a bunch of kids are all hyped up on sugar and whatever dye is in the candy to send them screaming right up the walls.

I, personally, wouldn't think of sending candy for a snack for my kids anyway, but I guess there are those that do or they wouldn't have come up with the rule. Normally, at home they have a choice between popcorn, fruit, or vegetables.

So, in choosing snacks, normally I just go for the granola bars but my kids like a little variety too. So the next snack I got was trail mix bars glued together with honey. The very next time I got individual packages of trail mix. It contained peanuts, sunflower seeds, raisins, dried mangos (I think) and a few m&m's.

My daughter and son came home with 3 lollipops apiece and informed me that they couldn't have those snacks (the trailmix) anymore because it had candy in it. I asked them where they got the candy they had clutched in their hands. In chorus they replied "From my teacher"...

See what I mean?

The message I am receiving from the school is that I'm too much of a nutritional idiot to be able to make proper decisions regarding the kind of foods my children are allowed to eat...yet, those same hypocrites will send my children home with truckloads of candy and NEVER once think to ask if it's ok.

Personally, I don't care if my kids have candy occasionally, as a treat. However, as the parent, I would like to be the one who chooses when and where and what behaviors deserve a treat. I never said it was ok to reward my kid with candy. Now that the school has done that, I don't get the opportunity unless I want them oversugared that day. And, that chaps my ass in a big way. I don't like it when other people presume to make decisions about my kid for me. Especially ones that have the potential to affect their health.

Now, am I going to DO anything about it? Not really because it's just not that big a deal to me. It's not a battle worth fighting, so I don't choose to fight this one. But it still pisses me off, a little.

The one on the left is me.

Other Stuff

It's hard writing in real time sometimes. In all the chaos last week, something very touching and important happened. It's just when stuff happens around here, it all happens at once and it takes awhile to catch up on everything.

Anyway, besides my own kids, I have a couple of others that I have adopted in a way. My philosophy is kind of this, whatever problems the kids are having is having an impact on my family because kids worry about their friends. So, if I can get involved and help in any way, hey, that's exactly what I'm here for.

There's one who is uplifted if I send him off with some cookies or whatever goodies I've baked, he's a happy camper.

Some of them are higher maintenance than others, though. The one that came by this week falls in that category.He's 19 or 20 or so and bi-polar. He has been severely abused as a small child. I do believe his father is either in prison or just got out, not sure which. His mother has MS and her own problems. It's a messy situation for him.

A year or so ago, it came to a head for him. My son picked him up on the side of the road one day when he went to work. Apparently, he had been out all night thinking that the police were looking for him. Sigh. How it played out was that he had been drinking the night before, had a fight with his mom, and threatened to commit suicide. Mom called the ambulance and the police come with the ambulance here.

Anyway, my son brought him home and turned him over to me...I talked him into the mental health clinic and he got some help. He called his mother on the way and told her where he was going..using my cell phone...and she yelled at him for leaving the dog in the house. Three days later she called my cell phone back, crying, thinking that he was God knows where...I really didn't have anything to say,other than to tell her where he was, you know? He TOLD her where he was going.

Then, he was going to turn over a new leaf and got his first job. He didn't have his meds straight yet and got fired. We saw him a while back and he was heading down the WRONG path and not getting and correct guidance from any other adult in his life. If anything, it was worse. He came over and talked with my husband and I and we gave him a few specific things to do differently and to come back when he had done them. Find a church, find a group of people that shared his interests, pursue a new hobby, get away from the people causing him problems in life, get off the hooch, get his meds right. We fed him and hugged him and away he went, with his head abuzz with thoughts.

Well, he came over the other day and he's living with his uncle and working on the farm there. He has saved enough money to get himself a car and insurance. He is still in school, he has his medication right..(from what I understand this is VERY hard for people with bi-polar) and he's cleaned up. I am so very proud of him. His eyes were clear, his thinking was sane, he had plans for the future, it was a lovely sight to behold. He's another one who's smile can light up the day. I was really worried about him for awhile. I cried some tears over this one and said some serious prayers. I hope he can keep his forward momentum going. Lord knows, he hasn't had a fair shake in life, but he just keeps dusting it off and gettin up and trying again. You have to admire that. He says his relationship with his mother is much better now that he doesn't live there. You can just see the hunger for a male mentor in his eyes and it would appear that his uncle is fulfilling that role for him and that is so good.

THAT's the stuff that makes me really happy. A little bit of faith and a little bit of love goes such a long way.

The Snake

Ok, here's the poem I promised! Comments are certainly solicited!





The Snake

I’m 6 feet 5 and I’m not from anywhere.
Tell me where you’re from, I’ve probably been there.

From the beaches of Virginia to the shores of California,
Sure, I know what it’s like to be a foreigner.

So, my name is Jake,
And I’m like a snake

If I’ve been up all night long,
We might not get along

If you see me and know my name,
I’ll share some of my fame.

Grab a beer,
I’ll show you fear

You think you’ve seen pain?
You haven’t played my game.

Think you have the ball?
Look up, you’ll see tall

First I’ll knock you out,
Then I’ll order some take-out.

But if you’re my friend,
I’m there until the end.

If you’ve got my back,
For nothing will you lack.

Happy Tuesday

I am happy today. Ecstatic. Full of joy. You know, like the day is perfect?

How can that be possible I know some people might be thinking. Haven't I been watching the news? How can I be SO happy in the face of such devastation?

Well, because of what COULD have happened. I am happy because our beloved New Orleans is still standing. I have never been there and I have fallen in love with New Orleans through books I've read. (Wouldn't you just like to see it from Lestat's point of view..just once?)

Natural disasters and 'near misses' always stop and make me think about all the things I have to be grateful for and when that happens, I am always happy. I know, it sounds wierd, but happiness really is a choice, after all.

I'm also happy because my 7 year old is like a beacon of light, he really is. He is such a sunny child, his smile can light up a whole room. Last night while I was trying to prepare supper (a 2-3 hour deal in this house), he was under my feet the whole time yack, yack, yacking away...until I snapped at him.."Son would you PLEASE go do something constructive..." Did he cry..no...he started clearing off the dining room table. I commented, "Now, that's constructive, thanks!" He looked at me and his big blue eyes got wide with wonder and he exclaimed, "I just learned a new word!!! Constructive means to help." He was so excited that he learned a new word, he ran out the back door screaming it excitedly..Dad, Dad, Joe, Jim, I LEARNED A NEW WORD!! He was going to share that with his class today too. What a hoot this kid is.

I'm also happy because I found the software for my camera so I can start posting pictures to go with some of these posts....YAY!!!

I'm also happy because I got permission from my son to post his poem that he wrote the other day for school! I am oh so proud of it and the post after this one is going to be just that.

I'm happy that there is peace in my house, as well. Everybody got on board with the helping out deal and we're getting to spend more quality time together. I always like that.

My routine is falling into place and that is always soothing to the soul.

I hope that everyone can find a little bit of joy in their lives today. I know for some, it will be hard, but if you look hard enough, it is always there.

Random Thoughts

-I am thinking very much of the people who are being affected by Hurricane Katrina right now. My thoughts and prayers are with each and every person there.

-Mondays are my favorite day of the week. Even if you have a bad Monday, by the end of the week, it should be resolved... Mondays hold the promise of a sunrise, the anticipation of the day or week ahead and all that it promises to be...

-Sometimes I'm bad. I go to Sam's Club, where there are a bunch of hard-bodies, and I'm dressed in my jeans, short, tight t-shirt (with the miracle bra), wedge shoes and sashay myself all over Sam's getting my stuff. Finally, said hard bodies trip over their tongues and flip coins or whatever guys do and finally one of them is brave enough to come over and help me unload the groceries into the car. First, they goggle over the car, then they goggle at my ass while I'm putting the stuff into the car, then they goggle over the fact that $500 worth of groceries can fit comfortably into a Camaro. When we're done loading the groceries and they're walking away with a semi, is when I flash my smile. The way the look changes from content goggling, to absolute horror is just too much fun to pass up sometimes. I know it's mean, but hey...

-I've started a fad. Apparently, I'm having so much fun with this, everyone wants to join in. My 18 yr old made me make him a blog and my husband and I are doing a he-said, she-said kind of deal. I'll put the link up when we've got something. That's going to be LOADS of fun, and probably some good reading.

Animals Know

Night before last my dog woke me up barking incessantly and very insistantly. It was 3am.

This dog is not a barker. She has specific barks that have specific meanings and she will bark once and then wait for you to do for her what she wants, then she'll do it again. She's a good dog.

That night, she was very insistant, though. I went downstairs thinking that I really ought to have some kind of weapon with me. That's how sure I was that something was wrong. But it didn't feel like an intruder kind of wrong. She wasn't growling or anything like that. I damn near tripped over my 15 yr old as he charged up the stairs for what he said was the 57th time to yell at her to shut up. I promptly yelled at him. The dog shut up and then we all went back to bed.

In the morning, my son apologized and explained that she had been doing that since 11pm. Then we turned the news on to learn that there was a small earthquake at around the same time that she went nuts. He felt VERY sheepish and learned a very valuable lesson...listen to your animals, they KNOW when something is wrong.

The big chicken of a dog slept in my chair that's in my bedroom last night.

Supper Tonight

Beef Stroganoff

Ingredients:
1 pound of bacon
3.5 pounds beef top sirloin (I get the double roast at Sam's Club and cut it up)
2.5 tsp. salt
1.5 tsp. fresh ground black pepper
4 cups thinly sliced onions (I use Vidalia)
1 tbsp. minced garlic (fresh)
1/2 cup all purpose flour
1 cup dry red wine
Two 14 oz. cans beef broth (I use beef base)
1 pound large baby bellamushrooms
1/2 cup chopped red onions
1/2 cup finely chopped green onions
1 tbsp. olive oil
1 pound wide egg noodles
1 cup sour cream
2 cups grated cheese
1 tbsp. dill seed
1 tbsp. dill weed

Preheat oven to 350 F.

Cook the bacon in a large heavy skillet (I use my electric skillet) or Dutch oven over high heat until slightly crispy. Meanwhile, season the beef with 1 tsp. salt and 1 tsp. black pepper. Add the beef to the bacon and cook, stirring, for 3 min or until the meat is browned. Add the onions and cook, stirring, until soft, about 8 min. Add the garlic and the flour. Cook, stirring, for 3 min. Add the red wine and the beef broth. Stir to blend and bring to a boil. Add 1/2 tsp. salt, the remaining 1/2 tsp of pepper and the dill. Reduce the heat to medium and simmer for 5 min. Add the mushrroms, red and green onions and cook, stirring occasionally for 4 min. Remove from heat.

Combine 4 quarts of water, olive oil, and the remaining 1 tsp of salt in a large pot. Bring to a boil, add the noodles and cook until al dente, 5 to 6 min. Drain well and transfer to a large mixing bowl. Add the beef sauce and the sour cream and toss to coat evenly. Pour the mixture into a deep 10 x 15 in baking dish. Sprinkle the cheese evenly over the top of the noodle mixture. Bake in the oven about 20 min.

Beats Ramen Noodles or Hot Pockets any day, eh?

Round Table Discussions

Well, after all the drama, it would appear that everyone sees the logic of things and is all on board. I love our drama, it's short lived and very productive.

My kitchen was clean this morning without anyone feeling overburdened.

My oldest one left his usual mess, but I forgot to buy shampoo for his bathroom. He came home with a bottle of shampoo...registering his complaint and I just smiled and said..Well, we're even, then because I had to scrub out your milk glass and pick up your beer bottles off the round table...He gave me a grin and we're good.

This leaves me free today to take care of some paperwork for them. My 15 yr old needed me to check his geometry, my 17 yr old needed me to proof read a poem he had to write for his English class, and my 18 yr old needs me to go over his college paperwork.

This morning I spent quizzing my little ones on their spelling words and math facts.

This afternoon, I will spend sorting papers and cleaning the big old clutter trap that I like to think is an office and then it's going to be race time..Trucks at Bristol tonight.

I started out with a whole point to this post, but I can't remember what it was. So, it was only a week ago that it all hit the fan. However painful that was to do, though, it was necessary. Now we're all functioning as a cognizant team again and everybody wins when that happens.

It took a whole week because all these people had their own ideas on how to deal with things. My 18 yr old told me that I needed to be a bitch and I tried to explain to him that he really didn't want that. I told him that it wasn't like I could turn it on and off at will. I don't have a problem going into bitch mode when I need to but it really is a last resort. Yesterday morning, he had had about enough of me being in bitch mode and they all decided that if I made a chart, it would be much better. Everyone would be informed, and I wouldn't have to bitch so much.

That was the solution I had intended all along, but they had this thing in their head that it was 'babyish' to have to have a list. They are MEN, they don't need to write things down. Well, my husband knows better and isn't like that and now my 18 yr old is getting to see on the work side, what a well executed maintenance plan can do for you. He works with my husband. You get to see firsthand in any kind of factory what happens when you gundeck your pms. It's bad. Stuff breaks when you don't keep it clean and maintained properly. It's what happens to your car when you don't take care of it right. So many people don't get that, though. It's such a disposable society..we'll just get a new one is the philosophy of so many people.

Anyway, we've accomplished so much this week that I'm going to cut them some liberty this weekend. My 17 yr old has plans to go camping with a friend, I'm sure my 18 yr old has plans, and the husband and I are going to drink beers, play some friendly pool while watching the race on Saturday night. He's going to beat my ass a few times on the pool table and then let me win one because I'm pouting.

And a good time will be had by all!! Tonight, we feast!

Another Fun Day

It is Wednesday already. My this week is just flying by.

Ok, my main rooms got clean yesterday and that makes me feel oh so much better. (Yes, even the bathrooms...ick...ah, but I buy rubber gloves in bulk...)

I called for backup on this one. My husband and my 18 yr old got home at about 2:30 and I filled them in and they didn't have a problem with my plan.

The cook quitting doesn't mean they don't get fed. They just don't get fed what I usually cook... No more stroganoff that beats all, no more smothered pork chops, or twice baked potatoes...etc.


I HAD to let them know because they got up at 3am, were at work by 5 and they do some very physical work all day long in very extreme heat. THEY got brats with beer and vidalia onions last night. The others got Ramen Noodle soup and crackers.

See, if I have to clean the dishes too, then I'm going to cook and make it as easy as I can on myself.

As well, everyone was kicked out of the living room. I did clean the bathrooms and they had BETTER stay that way. My 18 yr old said, "It's because you got so nice. You have to be this way until they get the message." This is my peace loving kid who says violence never solves anything. He said I need to "Go Grandma" on them. (My mother in law doesn't put up with crap like this either..she is the master!)

So, after all the explanations and them listening to me bitch for like 2 hours, they finally started feeding me some beer...

THEN the SHIT hit the fan. I went downstairs to give my 18 yr old back a cd and stepped in a puddle of water. It was raining hard outside. Somebody just threw a towel over it and didn't bother saying anything.

I have a room under the stairs...we'll just call that the Harry Potter room... full of bedding and clothes that have to be sorted and gotten rid of as well as a bunch of craft materials and whatnot. It's a storage room. Well, the water ran from the corner of that room, soaking everything in it's path until it got out to their bedrooms. My husband went commando on them then. The one who started all this stuff yesterday......was asleep. Boy, did he ever get a rude awakening.

So, they all got together and cleaned out the Harry Potter room...and dried up the water. My oldest one decided it was his turn to be the sane one and supervised and provided the sympathy that the one who caused all this needed.

Today, we have to dig a trench to divert the water from running up to the house when it rains. What is causing the problem is the pool in the backyard. They put the damn thing on a hill. The water level of the pool, if it were filled, is higher than the level of the house. As well, it's 3 feet or so at some points from the house. I am going to have to write a whole post on this house sometime. I love it, but let me tell ya...

Anyway, when it rains, all the water runs right down the hill and into the foundation of the house. So, today, my husband, my 18 yr old and my 21 yr old all stayed home to dig a trench and divert the water to prevent this from happening again. They are also going to put on the calendar a good weekend to gather their friends over for a party and we are going to do away with the pool. That ought to ease a LOT of tension and stress around here.

My job...go to the store and get some food for these people to eat. Works for me.

Sometimes the coach has to kick some ass to get everyone to play their position.

Momma's on Strike

Well, the COOK is on strike. The maid has to pull double duty since the cook hasn't been getting any help.

We have an arrangement around here, she who cooks does not have to do the dishes after supper.

I walked into my kitchen this morning and just about had a stroke. My kitchen helper seriously let me down. There was a pan with water in it..that would stay there until mold grows on the water if I don't do it. There's the pan I fried chicken in the other night..flour and spilled milk on the counter. There is muffin mix, canned tomatoes and refill salt left out on the counter. There are crumbs and food on the counter...but it's 'too hard for them to clean it the way I want.' I expect "perfection". I sure as hell wouldn't want to eat anything coming out of that kitchen if it weren't mine. Nobody sweeps or mops the floor but me. No, what I expect is that the job be done right.

Those people are expecting me to go to the grocery store today. But, I'm not. I have tried over and over to explain to them, that they have to do the stuff THEY can because they can't do what I can. To demonstrate this point, I am going to take care of all the chores I have been asking be done. That is not going to allow me to get to the grocery store, which is a task they cannot accomplish.

There are two bathrooms in this house that I do not even use, yet I have to clean them. Now granted, this is my house, I shouldn't mind cleaning them. But I do. I have other things that HAVE to be accomplished that help my husband bring home the bacon. I need to dedicate myself to doing some of those things.

But here's the deal...they assume I do nothing all day which is entirely NOT true. All of them are taking for granted that because I am here alone all day that I have nothing to do. It's my JOB to clean the house every day and they sure make sure that I'm never going to get bored. Ha!

Today, it's about accomplishing what's on MY list, not their lists. What's on my list is gettin my house clean. Maybe they'll figure it out when they get something out of a can for supper tonight. Maybe they won't...but my house will be clean.

Cherry on Top

Ok, there is peace in paradise today. I was going to post this last night, but I was too damn tired.

The boy came home yesterday morning before I had a chance to worry. We talked for a few minutes and then he had a couple of errands to take care of. He came back, and we talked off and on for a couple of hours.

As I suspected, there was an underlying reason for his behavior as late and it's such a simple thing to take care of...

First of all, our house is like 30 years old. Second of all, it's an architect's house and bad design...(there's a whole other story on the history of our house). Basically, it's an octagon house with the kitchen right in the middle. The second family that lived here added a two-story attachment that is sleeping space. It wasn't joined right to the existing octagon so along that section of roof, we get periodic leaks.

There is one leak that they have not been able to chase down..and it's driving the boy crazy. He has it built up in his mind that it spreads until the house falls down, we are homeless and it's all his fault. Then he feels like his opinion on things don't matter...etc. Geez.

Anyway, he called his dad at around 4:30 yesterday afternoon..the conversation went like this.

Husband: I'm fine, son, how are you?
Yes, I've lost my voice. I went in and out of the refrigerator too much today.
I love you too, son. See you tomorrow.

Very cool. I can count on one hand how many times the boy has said I love you to his dad. I haven't yet been lucky enough to hear the words come out of his mouth yet...but that's one of those ways he's wierd...he thinks I should assume this and not even question it because that is the way he is. He's loyal for life. But still..it's good to know I have influence and that he listens to me and respects what I'm saying. I just wish he didn't have to make it so hard. He doesn't bitch about things either, though...see that's the deal..he's consistant with this talking bit..he just doesn't like to do it.

On another note, my 17 and 18 yr old went camping with a buddy last night. My 18 yr old called me this morning all excited because there was a church at the campground and let me know that they were going to go to church before they packed up and then they were going to head home. Now THAT was the cherry on top.

Kicking back to watch some racing this afternoon...yee haww!!!

I feel so much better now

Get your position here


Stolen from Eric.

Well. Hell.

So, the oldest kid comes home last night. This is the first time my husband has seen him in a week since he fixed his truck. This is the same kid who forgot his birthday last week.

So, he comes home, we get the token 10 secs. of greeting and then he's off to the phone to track down all the people who called him. A couple of people got the total third degree about when 'the gal' called and he was a bit rude about it.

Then, a friend of his shows up with someone new. We have established that we like to know when company is coming and especially someone new. (That poor bastard is probably never coming over here again.)

The husband and I had already decided that we'd had enough but that we didn't have the time to deal with it.

So, I made a comment as I was going up to bed that it would really be nice to know when someone new was coming over. He gave me lip. I said, "We need to talk soon." He decided RIGHT NOW was soon enough. I told him I didn't want to talk to him til he had more than 10 min to spare and when he didn't have company. He had to have it his way. He followed me upstairs to the bedroom and my husband got dragged into it. I bowed out of the conversation at this point and went downstairs.

One of the friends that was here was one who, not too long ago, showed up at our house with his truck packed full of stuff and no idea what he did wrong to deserve it (bet I know..he was at OUR house a lot). His mother did label everything for him neatly, though. I sat out in the garage, because they were wondering where my son was..and I talked to him. I told him that my son was his mate, and if he truly was, then he needed to set him straight. I saw him understand because he's said things to my son before about the way he treats us.

So, they carry the 'discussion' downstairs and the bits and pieces I can hear is no surprise to me, which is a relief. Finally he let loose with some things bothering him that needed to be aired out. But, the frustration level of my husband after beating his head against a brick wall for 2 hours trying to get that far, coupled with exhaustion from working all the damn time, made him less than sympathetic when the original request was a simple thing.

And then the son had to go and say those words..."I don't have to take this, I'm leaving..." And, his dad told him..so leave...

His friends were still there and I hope they had influence. His friend told me he'd have my son's back, and I believe him. That is the only way that I felt comfortable letting him walk out the door. That, and I know how to find him. His friends are not going to give him asylum from this for long. I have heard all of them express a little dismay over the way he's been doing things. They have all expressed to him that he is living in paradise and not even recognizing it. Many of his friends would kill to be able to talk to their parents the way he can, and chooses not to.

I extracted a promise from my son that he'd call so hopefully we can have a calmer talk about things now.

I was only able to get my husband to sleep for a couple of hours by telling him that the kid was somewhere safe and that he'd be back, he just needed somewhere to go cool off and that things were ok and that I could fix them today.

Damn. Just Damn.

UPDATE: The boy is home now, and we're talking. We aren't communicating yet, but we are talking. Pray for us.

A Story

It's so hot outside you can see the waves of heat radiating off the pavement, giving the illusion of a warp in the time-space continuum.

She steps out of the cool, air-conditioned building looking cool as a cucumber, purse and favorite cd clutched in one hand, keys in the other.

She crosses the hot pavement and breaks out into a sweat. Her hair immediately becomes lank and limp and her clothes start sticking to her body. She doesn't even notice. She's on a mission. Oh yeah!

She walks up to the object of her desire, and circles it lovingly, checking for any changes since she last saw her baby.

She opens one door and puts her purse in and rolls down the window. She walks slowly to the driver's side, trailing her fingers lovingly over the car.

She opens the driver's side door and hears the faint pop that means the door hinge needs to be replaced. She slides into the car and immediately becomes one with it.

She closes the driver's side door, adjusts the mirrors, puts her seatbelt on, turns the key to on and pops in the cd. All is right with the world.

In her mind she hears the words..."Ladies, start your engines." She pushes the clutch in and turns the key in the ignition. That familiar "boof" sound as all 8 cylinders fire to life are like music to the ears.

The thrum, thrum, thrum of the engine sends vibration shocks throughout her body and completes the connection between woman and car. They are now united.

Temperature gauge: Check.

Gas: Check

Oil Pressure: Check

Tachometer: Check

All systems go. She puts her baby into gear and slowly backs out, careful to avoid the basketball goal and basketball that are positioned in her path.

She drives down the driveway and on to the street slowly, waving at her neighbors (fans) as she drives by, music blaring out of her windows, (what's my name....cuz I'm a bad mamajama from...)

Down at the stop sign, she puts her blinker on and looks to the left to see if any cars are coming. No cars..excellent. Her neighbors (fans) are watching to see what she will do. She decides to give them a show...she makes her turn and jams the gears...5th gear before a quarter mile is even close.

She's in the lead and cruising now...ah, the first turn, she lifts to let the momentum carry her, this corner has bitten her before. But, wait, there's a new tire package on her car now and it....sticks to the corner like cornbread in an ungreased pan. Woo Hoo!!! She gasses it and rockets out of the corner, clearly the car to beat today!!

Around the loop she goes, catcalls and whistles following her progress everywhere and finally, she's at the finish line. There awaits her pit crew who are there to start the celebration. She climbs out of the car, shaking from the adrenaline, but calmer of mind than ever before, goes over to her crew chief, puts a big smackroo on his mustached lips and says "Hey baby, got you some beer."

Faulty Thinking

Well, I am having another crazy pms day..and here's where I get stuck in my thinking.

I feel as though I am never going to feel peace on the mother issue until one of us is no longer here. I don't know how to get rid of the guilt.

She doesn't love me, she didn't want me, and she won't accept my help. But, still I feel guilty...why? Why does the fact that she's my mother play these horrible tricks with my mind? If she reads this,(and God I hope not..only my immediate family knows I do this) she would deny it with all of her heart and send me a big apologetic letter saying how sorry she is, and she is, but she just won't DO anything about it.

Sometimes, I'm just so tired..all I want is peace, you know? I know that there's a reason this can't be resolved but I just don't know how to resolve it...in my own mind. I do not want contact with her. That is not an option. I need to find a way to put it to rest in my own mind. But I just don't know how. With anyone else, I could just let it go...

And THIS is why I'm so defensive about my parenting abilities, I really am flying blind and I have been told from every step that I've been doing it wrong. If it were not for my in-laws, I would have had no back up or encouragement to do the right thing by the kids or a hint that I was going in the right direction. I have only my results to judge by.

I'm just trying not to make the same mistakes. The way I'm doing things means that I know a whole lot of things about my kids that I'd sometimes rather not know. But, if you don't have that trust, you don't have communication, and if you don't have communication, then you don't have influence. And, you have got to maintain that influence over your kids to keep them on the straight and narrow.

Reply to Redneck

This was taking up so much room in the comments section that I decided to post it. You brought up some very valid points and I'd like to answer them so everybody can read..cool?

Redneck said:
Well Sugar, I made it through that post. ;) I know, and understand what you're sayin' about "real" ADD, but, and correct me if I'm wrong. It seems to me that there are a fair amount of parents out there that would rather rely on the meds, then the method. I applaud your tactics, and hope that, were I in your shoes, I could manage as well as you have. I still believe that many folks that are diagnosed with that particular disorder, are misdiagnosed. Of course, what I have to say about what I believe in this instance have little to no meanin' since I'm obviously not a Doctor or the parent of someone with ADD. I'm not. I've admitted that. I am a parent. I have some "stuborn" kids. I did believe in spankin' 'em when they deserved it and rewardin' them when that was called for. Nowadays, for me, spankin's are, well, non-existent. Unless Momma's feelin' frisky. The spankin's have to be mental ass whoopin's. The physical ones are a joke nowadays. All of us want your youngin's to be the best the can be, and I reckon, we all do the best we can with the hand we're dealt. None of us are perfect. But that fact doesn't keep us from tryin' to be better then we were when we started. Whether it's a personal betterment, or a betterment for our family.


Hey, I'm not saying I'm perfect..this is just the sum of what I've learned from screwing up...

Yes, there are parents out there that would rather just rely on medication rather than the method.

When you have a child like this, you KNOW it. The challenge came with my stepkids. They had abuse issues and all kinds of learning issues due to the fact that they didn't get what they were needing from their mother as well as having learning disabilities. When they couldn't do what they were supposed to, she beat them. She tied my oldest up into a chair and did God knows what until he got loose and ran to the neighbors saying she was trying to kill him. This is where the no spanking came into effect. I had to earn their trust. That's not to say that I didn't beat them at their own game..I certainly did. When the oldest was 11, he went through a wrestling with me phase, trying to establish dominance. I gave him plenty of warning...I told him that I was only going to hit him as hard as he hit me, so he better be damn careful how hard he hit me. Well, one time he walloped me and I dropped him to his knees. Not been a problem since. But, he knew it was coming.

As well, when they screwed up, we "kicked ass and took names later", but when the dust settled, we always took the names. The 'follow up talk' is what I call it, when you go back and you make sure the kid understands why they got punished and that it doesn't mean you don't love them. Sometimes, I had to teach those empathy lessons by doing it to them. Like, they were all sensitive about being called stupid..and one of them would let loose and just be mean. They, of course couldn't answer how THEY would feel if it happened to them, unless, of course it was done to them. So, I would just wait for the right opportunity pretty quick after the incident and say it to them and THEN ask them to describe how they're feeling and tie the lesson in. I always hated doing that, but it was effective and they learned empathy real quick. I didn't do it over every single little thing..just the important ones, you know?

I allowed them to make choices that were appropriate for their age group. They got a shot at doing it 'their way' for a certain period of time. If 'their' way didn't work, then they had no choice but to do it my way.

With my son (and I really hate to differentiate but for the sake of the story), he was very extremely hyperactive..one of those ones that you knew were that way before it ever became 'common knowledge'...whew.

The learning disabilities and the things they had missed because of not having been recognized as having a problem were a lot more difficult to overcome. Do you know how long it takes a kid struggling in school to give up? As early as the third grade. I am not kidding you. I volunteered in my second oldests' reading class and these kids were done with. We got them back but they had already convinced themselves that they were stupid and worthless. Not all of these kids had ADHD..many more of them had no reliable person at home, so many of them were stressedout being latch key kids. One kid was afraid that there was a monster in the attic and sat in his house in fear for 3 hours every night before his grandmother could get home from work.


I think it is misdiagnosed as well as overdiagnosed, yes. That's due to the educational system having just enough knowledge to make them dangerous. As well, they get government money for every kid they have in the resource classrooms. Some of the problem is societal with the ability to be "on" 24 hours a day. There can also be such a thing as too much structure. Kids have to have the freedom and time to be kids. People push their kids to do more and more and expect them to do it all perfectly and when they can't, think there's a problem. I think also that some parents are more focused on the almighty dollar rather than really doing right by your kids. Now, those people that don't fall into that category know who they are. I am talking about the parents that have the $50,000 vehicles and all the other nice toys to where they have to have both parties working 50-60 or more hours a week to afford all this nice stuff while their kids are struggling and needing some kind of guidance. I am a little old fashioned in that I believe that whenever possible, somebody (either parent, really) should be home and available for the kids. That is the only possible way that it would have worked in our house. The key with this or any other problem in my little world of standard measurement is "What causes a problem, is a problem." And my job is to solve problems...find solutions.

As well, a diagnosis of ADHD doesn't automatically mean that the best way to treat it is with medication. The best books I read on the subject were written by Dr. Hallowell and Dr. Ratey. With some of the more milder cases, a little structure or a change in routine can make all the difference.

Medication management doesn't have to be forever, either, obviously. My kids haven't been on medication for longer than they were on it but we maximized the learning potential while they were taking medication to teach them coping skills. A lot of families have problems where one kid has ADD and the other doesn't and feels like their sibling is using it as an excuse or perhaps the whole family is. I didn't have those issues because of the fact that we all have it, so nobody was special but we did learn a sensitivity and to pick up the slack if someone was having an off day. But, then I think all families should be that way..

See, you are definitely not one of the parents I am talking about, you have time for your kids. You are an outstanding father. We can all take a page out of your book, too.

But there's an awful lot of people who don't value their kids enough to do right by them, whatever sacrifice that entails. You cannot get the time back. This is for them.

Shortest Personality Test

You are elegant, withdrawn, and brilliant. Your mind is a weapon, able to solve any puzzle. You are also great at poking holes in arguments and common beliefs. For you, comfort and calm are very important. You tend to thrive on your own and shrug off most affection. You prefer to protect your emotions and stay strong.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

Stolen shamelessly from Theater of the Soul.

ADHD Family

I have an ADHD family. We ALL have it here. My husband has it, I have it ..all the kids have it. One of my kids also suffers from depression, another from OCD and another from psychotic depression on top of the ADHD.

I medicated my kids. My thoughts were this...if they are going to be able to do it without meds, then they had to at least understand what they were trying to achieve. They had to know what a 'normal' brain felt like first.

My 4th son was diagnosed when he was 4 years old and I delayed that by a year until I realized that he was going to have a VERY difficult time in school. This kid was through the roof. He couldn't handle any kind of overstimulation in his day. We took the kids to see some fireworks one time..he was about 5 then and he went into total meltdown. I mean, kicking, screaming, crying..the whole nine-yards. The only way I could get him to chill the hell out was to sit on the ground and wrap his body up next to mine and make sure his face stayed hidden until it was over. He would go into these rages for like 6 hours at a time, waaay beyond normal for his age. I remember watching him watch a tv show sitting still for the first time. It was so novel for me. I am a firm believer that the earlier you get them diagnosed, the easier it is. The younger a kid is, the more elastic his/her brain, and the more probability that medication management will be shorter lived. It's easier to rewire the brain of a little kid than it is an older one.

Now, you cannot just give a kid a pill and expect it to do all the work. It doesn't work like that. What ADHD kids respond to the most is structure. It's easier when you are able to achieve consistancy in your discipline ...rewards and punishments. For my kids, I kind of did away with all of that on a grand scale..it simply became consequences of one's choices. I would tell them..If you choose this way, then this is going to be the consequence..(reward) or if you choose THIS way, then the consequence will be (punishment). This provided them with something they didn't have..the ability to think ahead of the consequences. When given a choice like that, they pretty usually chose right. Every now and then, they would test me and they'd get what I promised. The inherent problem there being that ADHD kids do not have the ability to forsee the consequences of their actions. You must teach them to look forward that far. Also, because of short term memory problems, when they learn by 'experience' the often forget to file that away as necessary information, therefore they don't learn by experience. It takes explanation to accompany the experience.

An example of this is that once I was placed on an antidepressant medication. It made me feel great. It also made me gain like 60 pounds in a month. That sucked. So, I went off the meds, lost the weight, and that was a bitch let me tell ya. It took a year to lose the weight. By the time a year had passed, I had forgotten why I gained the weight, started on the med again and of course, had the same result. I didn't repeat that mistake again. Kids, though, have the attention spans of gnats anyway, so it might take 4 or 5 times for them to learn a lesson and then they don't really comprehend anything, they just turn into Pavlov's Dog and learn to stop doing what they are doing without understanding why. Why is very important to ADHD kids.

Lack of social skills is also a big problem. Sometimes they can tell by everyone's reaction that they did SOMETHING wrong, but not exactly what.

Another thing that works well with ADHD kids is eye contact and a gentle touch when you really need them to pay attention. Sometimes that's all it takes.

One of my kids, the one with psychotic depression, did I ever 'drug' the way most people assume is happening. They said he had Oppositional Defiant Disorder and put him on Clonidine (blood pressure med..go figure) to calm him down some. It worked..it drugged him until he couldn't do anything but it didn't help mentally. I hated to do that to him but I needed some relief from the daily stress to figure out what to do to help him. We didn't know it was a psychosis at the time. As soon as I told my doc that, then they found the right diagnosis and the right med. That boy needed the anti-psychotic.

We were all on meds for about 5-6 years until we had it all figured out and a good routine set down. Then, I sat them all down and talked about their meds and they all decided they wanted to go it without meds. So, I respected that..they were all old enough to choose.

Since then, 2 have graduated high school, the third is graduating this year. One is going to college next month and they all know how to manage their own ADD.

My one that was diagnosed when he was 4 uses physical activity to manage his. Actually they all do to a degree. One's trick is to manage his sleep as is mine. I get a lot of physical activity during the day to the point that I adrenaline overload and can't stop. I have to take a nap to maintain that equilibrium.

I don't spank my kids. It doesn't work and they are just confused. Unless they hit someone...then it's tit for tat. I guess I am more inclined to take the philosophy of calm the child first, listen to the complaint, and then give the consequence for the inappropriate action and then let the child know what he can do to make things right. This is important. The child has GOT to have a way to make things right. Just the other morning, my little guy got all pissy and ugly with my daughter because she poured his cereal and he was big and he could do it himself. I chewed him out about treating his sister like crap when she was trying to be nice and the very next morning, he got her cereal for her and apologized. That was cool!

It is very important to notice ANY change of behavior, especially for the better. You effusively reenforce desirable behavior while minimizing your reaction on the undesirable behavior. For example, I had one that did not want to eat. He was the pickiest eater you could even imagine. Pizza, hot dogs, spaghetti, hamburgers, and lasagna were about it for him. He got really skinny and I had to take a stand on the eating issue. So, it was like this..when he didn't want to eat, he was simply to go to the shower and to bed. I didn't fuss at him, make him eat, plead..whatever. I cook it, you eat it..or don't..but if you don't, then you have to go to bed. When he DID eat, I made sure to make a big deal out of it and praised him and pep talked him and after a time, it worked. It worked because that was the rule..period. Health and safety became the key issues that I had to work with. I was charged with keeping them safe and healthy, by God, they were going to do what I said.

Living with a bunch of people that don't pay attention to detail and struggling with a lack of organizational skills myself, it is a most difficult task clearing out the clutter and teaching my kids to do the same. My little one's rooms look like a tornado came through them. I have cleaned those rooms over and over..and it takes them all of 15 minutes to undo 2 hours worth of work in there. It's not going to work until they learn to do it themselves. I have been known to put toys in boxes and take them to the attic before. My philosophy is, is if the kid can't keep their room clean, then they have too much stuff. I did not throw their stuff away, I just boxed it up. Having a room clear of clutter is very mind soothing.


In order for any of the treatment to work, all of the adults have to agree on the approach. Y'all all got to be on the same side, and not against each other. Any of the adults in my life that weren't on board with my plan amd just wanted to throw negatives out there, just didn't get to be around the kids. It was pretty simple to me. I had these kids to counselors and doctors and my husband and I agreed on the approach with the doctors, the counselors, and the teachers. Some of the adults in my life that were telling me "Well, he doesn't act that way with me." Of course not. Kids only act that way with people they trust. When they are acting out, they are counting on YOU to figure out what they are trying to say, and FIX it. Kids do not have the vocabularies that adults have. They can only express themselves so many ways. They don't understand the difference between anger and frustration...on the outside it looks the same. They don't understand that when they are overtired it affects their thinking. It's YOUR job as the parent in their life to correctly interpret their emotions and then take the appropriate action to help them SOLVE the problem. If they're frustrated trying to put a toy together, distract them for a bit and maybe help them. If they are too burned out to do their homework right when they get home from school, try having them do it in the evening. If they are angry with a sibling, mediate..teach them to work it out themselves. If they have a problem with anger in general, teach them to channel it to something constructive. If they are shy, role play with them so they can feel comfortable meeting people. Lead by example. When they get older and they question how and why you do things...answer them honestly. They are trying to learn about your coping mechanisms FROM YOU. And, if you find in the answer that you might not be doing it the right way, then CHANGE. It is your responsibility as a parent to make sure that you keep trying to get better. Never accept status quo.

If you warn them of the consequences of their actions and they choose to ignore you and do whatever they are going to do anyway, within reason, LET them. There comes a point where you have to let kids learn from their own mistakes and feel the pain. That's cool. Be there to explain that you love them anyway, and help them find the lesson as well as the different way of doing things.

I wiped the slate clean whenever we started medication management and looked at it as having to start mostly over again and reteach quite a few things. They had a full understanding for their ages of what their conditions were and what it was going to take to get around it. There wasn't an excuse problem since we all had it..nobody could cop out and say...I can't do that I have ADD..

I worked on one thing at a time. That's all you can do. I built their trust and once I had that, we've become unstoppable.

The bottom line is when you have a child or more like this, it takes constant supervision, creativity and PRESENCE in order to achieve what you want to achieve. No kid likes to stand out from their peers so most kids will be all on board with anything to help them achieve that. Mine sure were. I made them take an active role in their treatment; they had to tell me what it was going to take or what they'd like to try as far as their schedule and how they went about accomplishing things. Where to do homework, when to do homework..those were all things they had a limited amount of control over. I did away with any kind of punishment for good and bad grades. The kids thought they were stupid so I had to do something. What I did promise is that if any of them were not putting in the effort, then THAT would be a different matter. All I required of them was their best effort. They quickly realized that when they put their best effort forward, the grades followed, so it very quickly became a moot point. If their grades dropped, I would ask them what they were doing different and usually they knew. High school became much easier for that, because by then, they did know. Once, my 18 yr old had a less than stellar grade in one class and I asked him and he gave me the dimple grin and said, "I moved to the back of the class and now I'm paying more attention to my friends than the work." I said, "Well, kid, that's not working for you." and he moved his seat and that was that.

Consistancy is a key element in all this. Do not draw a line in the sand unless you feel strongly enough to stand there and defend it to the death. If you are not prepared or it doesn't seem worth that much to you, then it's not important enough to bother with in the grand scheme of things. The only things worth drawing the line in the sand are issues that can cause severe damage to life, limb or property. The basic do unto others rules.

Let me tell ya, people, it IS a real condition and it can cause a lot of problems. Untreated, it can make the kid more suseptible to do drugs. It's called self-medication. Whenever your body is missing a certain substance or vitamin, it seeks to replenish it. In the case of vitamins, and minerals, it causes you to crave certain foods. In the case of brain chemicals, injesting a substance like alcohol or marijuana can open up the pathways enough for them to feel more normal than they ever have. And then, there's the real danger of them getting into cocaine or some kind of speed because this is what raises the dopamine levels in the brain but in uncontrolled doses, it causes all the problems we already know about with drugs.

The most common medication is some form of amphetamine or synthetic stimulant of some kind. When you follow the doctors orders and take the medication as prescribed, there is little risk of addiction. Prior substance abuse as looked at a symptom and taken into account. Counseling is a must for proper treatment. With my kids, I also educated them on the effect the meds were having on their brain, in other words, HOW the medication was affecting their thought processes, what it was doing inside their brain. This is important because it is very easy for kids to think that the pill is doing all the work, that it is controlling them. That's what a lot of them feel like. It's very important for all children to understand that ultimately, they are the masters of their own fate. It's just harder to teach that to some kids than other kids. They have to understand that it is merely making all the neurotransmitters go to the right places, so it makes it seem like it's easier to do what you can do. If their brains were wired correctly in the first place, it would be easier, as well, and it would be a moot point.

Repetition is another teaching method that is very effective with ADHD kids. Eventually, they get it with enough repetition. This is why structure and consistancy are so important.

ADHD is a real condition that causes real problems but I'd rather have it than like cancer or something or schizophrenia. Those people have it rough.

Ramble On

It's too damn quiet in this house during the week now. Every time I sit down at the computer to write something, I start flooding.

Flooding in a mental way, not any kind of physical thing. This happens a lot to people with ADD and dyslexia, although I don't have dyslexia that I know of. Have you ever went to open a bag of rice and cut the hole too small? You get that little trickle of rice at first and then all the little rice kernels rush to the opening of the bag..then they all get stuck there until you let a few of them go back, then you get that trickle again? That's flooding. All those ideas rush to the forefront of your mind and get stuck and they're all trying to get out all at once. Then it's like having a whole bunch of somethings on the tip of your tongue..or fingers..and not being able to keep the thread of any of them. The trick is to relax the mind a little bit (is THAT why so many authors drink..hmmm something to ponder) and let a trickle out. Another example is 'flooding with emotion' which is when you get sooo emotional about something that all the pain rises up and just kind of sticks in your throat and you can't cry and it just hurts and it won't stop hurting until you cry so you just kind of get stuck for a minute with that horrible sore throat.

There is a physical element to this in regards to ADD as well. Apparently, it has to do with glucose and the frontal lobes of the brain. When you are trying to recall information (my reference books on this matter are gone so bear with me) the glucose drops dramatically. The less glucose, the less able you are to spit information out. The harder you try to recall, the more glucose you deplete in the frontal lobes. Anyway, it sucks. I'm sure it happens to all people at times, but when it happens ALL the time, it's a problem.

It happens to me the most when I try to talk to people. Believe it or not, my mind is much more organized when writing than it is when talking. Most people's first impression of me in person is that I'm stupid. I'm not stupid at all but when someone says something, I like to give a thorough answer and I just can't do that verbally on the spot.

But, you know, I've learned to make it work for me and it doesn't take people too long to figure out that when I speak they should probably listen because I've put a lot of thought into it.

The end result that I'm seeing to this is that I tend to rush to the end and leave out details. I drive the same way on a long trip. Point A to Point B..no deviation, no looking at the scenery..all business. I read the same way and often after the first few chapters, I will skip to the end and then finish the book.

Always before, if I tried to let my mind wander to the details, I'd wind up heaven knows where and totally off the subject. I need to work on this.

Well, I hope this post helps someone else besides me. I know where to start now, anyway. It's all about balance and if you think it's easy to achieve balance, then try playing the video game The Sims and see if YOU can keep that little bubble above their head green.

Identity Crisis in Marriage

Something I have been pondering and was sparked again by something someone said to me recently.

I sat real hard and tried to remember what it was like to be single. It was one big head game as far as I can remember. A lot of it is lost in a haze of alcohol and too many long nights. I do remember being very unhappy. Yes, I had the freedom to do pretty much what I wanted. I went deep sea fishing, camping, water skiing, to concerts and all the other stuff you do to have fun when you're young. Always I felt as though I were missing something though. I felt as though there was just something I wasn't quite understanding.

Then I met my husband. We were friends first. We had a lot to talk about, we enjoyed a lot of the same things but with a different perspective. We had a connection that scared us a little. And we had the kids.

The first few years were hard. There was a lack of trust on both our parts because of history. We had to spend a lot of time sorting through our different baggage and weeding out the shit that was poison. We had to define our goals for our kids and decide what direction we were going to take to get there. For a long time we power struggled over the simplest things, like household chores..who did what because we were both so independent and used to having to take care of everything.

What made it all work was honesty. We didn't have trust at first, that was earned. But, we did have honesty and love. Honesty is important, very important. I don't always LIKE what my husband has to say, that is not a requirement. But, I do know it is how he honestly feels about any given subject. Honesty breeds trust.

We also defined the rules for fighting. This was important because we do argue loudly and vociferously. No name calling is allowed, it just isn't productive. And, if a person feels like they need to regroup in the conversation, then they are allowed to go to 'their' place and be left alone until they have a grip. Those are the rules and they work.

Individually, yes, I suppose I have given up a lot for the sake of family. But what I have gained individually have been things I would have never gained and talents I never even knew I had. My husband encouraged me to try out painting, my 17 yr old encouraged me to try out crosstitch. I had it ingrained in me since I was little that those 'girly' pursuits were not worth doing, instead I should focus on math and science so I didn't need a man. Writing is another I don't know if I would call it talent, but hobby that I am afforded the chance to pursue.

My eldest son believes I should have gone to college and gotten a psychology degree. My best girlfriend is mad at me because I didn't. She went back to college 10 years ago with as many kids as I have and she's still going. She thinks I'm a sellout..I guess it's a matter of perspective.

As well, I know that the job I do here is important. I put a lot of time and effort into it as if it were a job. It's important to have balanced meals and a bit of a variety. It's important that the clothes get washed properly and that counters and stuff get wiped down so that germs don't accumulate. It's important that the floors get vacuumed and mopped and everything gets dusted. The most important part of my job though, is that of morale officer. Everyone feels unappreciated, left out, taken for granted, frustrated with life in general at times. It is my job to watch for overtiredness, stress, feelings of not being appreciated and take care of the problem. And those solutions come in many different forms. For my husband, helping him deal with the stress of traffic has made a huge difference in his attitude. My oldest son will probably be feeling much better after a well-needed vacation. He hasn't taken any time off since last summer and last summer he went to visit his bitch of a mother.

I cannot honestly think of a better feeling than creating an atmosphere of total acceptance and love.

My husband has given up a lot more than I have. That poor man is working 70 hours a week right now with the light at the end of the tunnel being very dim indeed. He deserves to have a hot meal ready for him when he comes home from working like a dog. He deserves to have his feet rubbed. He deserves to have someone listen to his day at work. He needs the suggestions I throw in sometimes.

The very cool thing about that is that he listens to me, too. He helps me do the dishes while he's talking about his day. He helps the kids with projects, and cars and not just our kids.

Having spent some time alone as an adult and then having been married, I cannot say that I would be the same person I am today without the influence of my family. I would be a lesser person.

There is too much confusion over roles in the marriage, feministic thinking and the new metro sexual male. It was pretty simple for us. Gender didn't enter into the decision as to who stayed home and who didn't. He has the money making skills and I don't. I have the homemaking skills and he does too, but mine are more refined now. So, why should we have had a role reversal when it logically would not have worked any other way. Sometimes I do miss the glory of having a job and getting to be the hero. When you're a hero, though, you're only as good as your last amazing feat. The little stuff, like the towels nice and fluffy because you used Downy and a fabric sheet..that's the stuff that memories are made of. The little things.

So, I guess I don't look at it as losing my identity, it's more like I found it.

More Is Better

That's my philosophy when it comes to kids. Good thing I have 6 then, eh?

More is better and it has to be an even number. Odd numbers just don't work. Someone always feels left out. So, those of you who have 2 kids, you're good. Those of you that have 3...you just screwed yourself, you might as well get it done and have that 4th one. You'll thank me later.

One thing I really like about having a lot of kids is the fact that after enough repetition, you recognize certain trends and you learn what's really important. For example, boys always pee outside at some point in their lives. It's a guy thing; it's because they can. Hopefully, they won't do like my 4th one at a wedding. This kid walked all the way around the house and went behind some trees to what he thought was a secluded spot. The secluded spot he chose happened to be the bay window that was looking out on the lake where the ENTIRE wedding party was faced, INCLUDING the guy taking the wedding video. I hear this "Oh my GAWD, that kid is peeing on the bush." With a sinking feeling in my heart, I knew it HAD to be one of mine. That is the down side to having so many kids. When you go somewhere and somebody's kid does something, the odds are just there that it's one of yours.

Another cool thing about having a lot of kids is the younger ones think you are BRILLIANT. After 6 different tries, I'm pretty sure I know how to make a dinosaur diorama, a cell with labels, and a model of a solar system. The younger ones get the culmination of all the BEST ideas though, because they also have other, more experienced siblings kicking in some ideas as well. Last night, my husband did the dinosaur diorama with my little dude and his comment was, "Wow, this doesn't look like my sister's, Dad had some GOOD ideas." Litte shit. (grin) My husband also incorporated a little revenge into the project. He filled the box up with dirt and left just enough of a hole in one of the corners that the classroom ought to be good and dirt covered by the end of the day. And that was for "Thinking up some stupid geedunk project to force me to spend my precious time with my kid doing what THEY think I should be doing with him, instead of what we really want to do." They had some mischief that they were going to get into together yesterday and the project put a damper on those plans. I have to remember that just because this is the 6th time I've helped with projects like this, it is still his first time.

A good thing about it is that my daughter gets the repetition of the grade before, which helps her excel in the current grade she's in. My little dude gets exposure to the next grade and gets a little head start.

My 17 yr old is a senior this year. His rough subject is going to be Literature, which is cool, because that was always my best subject.

My 15 yr old has made the most progress this year. He has really learned to channel all his extra energy into positive goals. He has already joined cross country track and he's hoping to be competitive this year. He wasn't last year so he focused on his own times and trying to improve them every time out. When he doesn't have practice, he comes home and mows the lawn. You'd never know that when he was 4 he couldn't sit in a chair the right way to save his soul, he was soooo hyperactive. This kid has had a rough time of life. His social skills are a little lacking, although he has made huge progress there, too. He's so smart he doesn't have much common sense. But, never did a kid try harder and he never complains, he's one of the happiest kids I know.

My 18 yr old is an old soul. He gets things that it has taken me 37 years to understand. He has this ability to look right through the bs of stuff and see straight to the truth, the real truth. It's amazing. He's starting college in a couple of weeks. He wants to be an electrical engineer. He is already working with my husband every day in a plant getting some practical experience that is only going to make getting a degree a formality for him. He got the job on his own merit, my husband didn't hire him. Apparently, all the people in the plant just love him to pieces, but then he's loveable. He's such a kind, caring soul.

A cohesive family unit. When one piece of the cog is missing, it is evident right away. We have formed such a fine-tuned machine, a combination of everyone's strengths designed to capitalize on said strengths while minimizing the impact of everyone's weaknesses and allowing each individual to grow and prosper within the realm of safety and love. And each of us is the stronger and the better for it.

I would have to say that if I didn't know the members of my family, I would like to know them anyway. And that's just cool.

Responsibility

14 months ago I tried to commit suicide. Yes, I know. It surprised me, too, believe it or not.

The long and short of it was that I had more pain than I was able to cope with. I had a lot of mental pain that I've been carrying around with me for a long time and probably will for a little longer. On top of that, I had a psychotic episode probably brought on by hormones. And, I had 3 broken ribs that I didn't know about. I broke them coughing.

To the outsider and even to myself, nobody could understand how I got there. I was surprised myself. I am not a suicidal person by nature. The doctor told me that sometimes these things have to come to a head before any progress can be made. 'Come to a head' in the nature of things festering was a very accurate statement.

I have spent my life with the knowledge that I will never be good enough. When I was a little kid I tried to be good all the time, I couldn't stand it if someone was mad at me. No matter what I did, though, it was never the right thing at the right time or for the right person. I got married to a man when I turned 19 that reenforced those beliefs. I didn't stay married long. I had a wise soul tell me to get out while I still knew it wasn't normal because once I forgot and thought that everyone was living like that, I was lost. I figure I got out just in the nick of time. It took 7 years to recover from 10 months.

Not until I met my husband did I ever begin to have a clue or even an inkling that such a thing as unconditional love exists, let alone consider myself a worthy candidate enough to receive such love. I always thought that when my husband found out the 'true' me, he'd hate me. Well, a lot of time passed and he still loved me. How could that be?

The night in question, I really just wanted the pain to end and to go meet Jesus. I honestly felt that I would be doing my family a favor by removing myself from their presence. I felt as though I were bad luck; poison. As well, I had faced a very painful truth that evening and I did not know what to do with the knowledge. Someone once told me, warned me, that too much light too fast will burn you. I heard her, but I had to push it through anyway.

I fessed up while I still had time, my husband called the right people, and away I went to the doc's office. Once the drugs took over, I remember being reduced to a pure animal state. There was a part of me that I call the observer that was taking notes of everything. I spent all my rage and hate on the very people who were trying to help me.

The first thing I saw when I woke up in the ICU the next morning was my husband's anguished face. The shame that I felt then is just as strong today. How could I have been so mistaken? I promised right then that I would never, ever put him or the rest of the family through that again, and I fully intend to keep my promise.

I spent the next 2 days in the mental hospital. That was a wierd experience, too, because I was the sanest one there and had the best coping skills. I just forgot to use them. You can't ever let your guard down with mental illness or it just creeps right back up on ya, ready. It's a constant battle to keep things in perspective. Humility is earning your shoelaces back, let me tell you.

This is why I am so honest. I can deal with the known, any known. I have zero tolerance for liars, as a result. When your own mind can lie to you and warp your sense of reality so much that you have no way of knowing if you're crazy or real, you rather depend upon those people around you to be honest with you. I hate even the polite lies. Hate them. Those are the worst, in my opinion.

Anyway, why am I burdening my readers with this little bit of personal information? Knowledge can be a burden, can't it? It's so that people will know that it can happen to anyone. It's so that people will know that I do understand their pain. It's because the load is heavy right now and I am not finished cleaning this mess up all the way.

That's pretty much the reason my 21 yr old son is still living here. He feels very protective and responsible to the family. In order to get him to move out, I am going to have to convince him that I am fine. Really fine. He's been watching, and worrying. Another reason why honesty makes things so much easier...my word is good, you know?

Well, this is about all that I can say on this subject right now. Next time, I'll just capitalize on the lessons learned from this experience in my life, because it has wrought some surprising changes in my outlook on things that I would not have gained otherwise.

Dears in the Headlights

Let me paint a picture for you. This, as I have stated before, is a one-woman house. There is only room for one woman in my kitchen.

The garage is an octagon, as is the house, or part of it, but we're talking about the garage now. The garage officially belongs to my husband. However, being the enlightened female that I am, I find that I have need of the occasional tool to fix things. I also have my 'thinking spot' in the garage. There is a work bench along the back wall. At the work bench is a stool, a 4-legged stool that I purchased at Wal-Mart 10 years ago for my husband's birthday. Right in front of the stool is the ashtray we use when we are standing or sitting there discussing some item of importance.

The other day, a young lady came over to my house with my oldest son. It became quickly obvious, though I hadn't met her before, that she was very familiar with my house. The clincher of the deal was when I walked out into the garage and she was sitting at MY spot with her purse, cell phone, and cigarettes with lighter spread out comfortably across the workbench with no son of mine in sight.

I was a little chilly towards the young lady in question, needless to say, and a LOT chilly to my son who has yet to figure out what he's done. He did call that evening after he got where he was going so I would know he got there safe. He is on a trip with his boss this week and probably has forgotten all about it.

Two of his friends showed up because they didn't realize he was going out of town so soon. I, in my cups, saw an opportunity. The conversation went something like this:

Me: So-o-o-o, y'all can give me the scoop about the young lady who spent the week at my house.

Them: Exchanging a very nervous look wondering what exactly I want to know. This is the deer in the headlight look. No words were spoken.

Me: Well, if it's any comfort, I already have AN opinion.

Boy A: Well, whatever you heard, I'm sure it's true.

Me: Well, it wasn't exactly flattering to the young lady.

Boy A: I stand by what I said.

Boy B. Laughing.

Boy B here has a steady girlfriend and he's had the same steady girlfriend since the 9th grade.

Me: So, she's not a keeper, hmm. Then WHY was she at my house? Never mind, I know why...What makes anybody think I want to meet her, then?

Boy A: blushes

Boy B: still laughing at the discomfiture of his friend...still wondering what I really want to know.

Seeing that I wasn't going to get much more information than that, I follow with the statement..."Well, if I find out anyone was fucking in my bed, there's gonna be some ass kicking going on."

Them: Looks of relief with profuse assurances that they are not that depraved and neither is my son. I said, " And that goes for the pool table too."

Then my husband came out and I had to be nice. We talked to them a little of their plans for the future. Boy B is a salesman and getting ready to be given his own territory. They'll be ready for their own place soon, they assure me.

I caught another one while I was writing this. My surrogate called for a ride to work and since I had him trapped in my car with me, I figured I'd quiz him about why he's not going to school. Who told you that, he wants to know. I just laugh and say I never reveal my sources (it was his own dad..hehe). He really, really didn't want me to know that he quit college. He explained that he thought he was up a creek without a paddle already and didn't want to spend all the money for this semester of college and not get to go. I asked him what creek he thought he was up right now and why the hell did he just throw away his paddle? He looked at me like that hurt...and said..I had to hear my dad and my mom, and now my other mom is giving me hell. I said, "Hey, you know I love you, that's why I'm giving you hell." He said, "Well, I blew the Hope Scholarship last year so I have to get a federal grant and I'll start school again." I said, "When?" He said, "Next quarter but I really just don't want to do Business Administration anymore, I want to do Botany." I said, "Fine, do botany, you love plants and you're good with them..but GO TO SCHOOL!" He said "Yes ma'am, thanks for the ride!"

I hope he does. Damn kids.

What Day Is It Again?

I know it's Monday, but it has been so busy lately that if I don't make a concerted effort to seek that information out, then I'm really lost.

Friday was the first day of school. Somehow they managed to get there with all their school supplies and the 8 reams of paper I have to fill out every year with all their information. I must write our phone number down no less than 6 times per kid. Thank God there was a truck race on Friday night to break the monotony. It was an awesome race, especially the ten laps between Dennis Setzer and Jimmy Spencer and then later Ron Hornaday and Jimmy Spencer. Let me tell ya, those guys ain't skeered.

Saturday was my husband's birthday and somehow I managed to get that all put together too. He got a nice long nap in the afternoon after he got home from work. While he was napping, I fired up the grill and cooked him a nice large T-Bone with all the fixin's...baked potato cooked right in the fire, along with sweet corn roasted in grill, fried okra, and fresh tomatoes. Of course there was cake and milk for desert! We watched the Busch Race, too. Martin Truex Jr. ...what a driver.

Sunday, we got up early and went to work again. This is the one job every year that I go to to help with my secretarial skills. Plus, I remember stuff we'd seen since last year since I get to look at them fresh. I have to do the reports from all that today. Makes writing the reports easier when I know what I'm trying to describe. We, of course, got home in time to watch the big race...I shoulda put money down on Tony. I picked him early in the morning when I did my cigarette run.

My husband had to get up at 3am this morning in order to be at work by 5am..Monday is an early day. I got up at 5am and promptly spent the next hour searching for my glasses. Filled out another ream of paper to send back with the older ones and here I am.

I also managed to run down all the individuals that came to the little soiree at my house while we were gone. I put the word out on the street that I was not a happy camper with the way things happened at my house while I was gone. I do love the deer in the headlights look..hehehe. One of them was innocent of all wrongdoing and I knew that already. He was greatly enjoying the discomfiture of his buddy. One of them helped take out the trash last weekend, so that's a start. Another of them was properly shamed and the last of them had the decency to blush. I'm going to let peer pressure do a little work before I have a talk with my oldest one. He won't be back til later this week anyway.

I am coming to the conclusion that boys of this age group (20-21) are great big pains in the derrier. They think they know everything. My one surrogate son is 20 and got himself a big ol' DUI over July 4th. I found this out on Friday when I took him to pay his fines and whatnot. He had told me before it was a speeding ticket..and it was..but when he got pulled over for speeding, he was smoking as well. His dad was out of town. He got belligerent with the police and spent two days in the drunk tank before they even booked him. Sigh. THEN tells me that he's not an idiot. hahaha..right. I told him he ought to pay attention when we're tellin' stories because we're honestly trying to save them from having to have experiences JUST LIKE THAT. We had his dad over for a little sympathy and a beer on Saturday night. He was glad to know that he wasn't alone.

There's an episode of Roseannewhere she goes off about how come her kids make her know everything and how come she can't be ignorant like the rest of the parents and go around with a big ol' dumb grin on her face all the time but No-o-o her kids make sure she finds out everything..etc.etc..

I feel like that sometimes. But only for a moment. I guess I'd rather know. This is the price you pay for knowing, though. It IS better that way, though.

Tit for Tat

So, I'm still discovering things from vacation. I discovered my unopened bottle of vodka empty yesterday.

This bottle of vodka has a story. I bought it to make a Purple Haze..and the son in question number 1. Bitched about the brand of vodka I bought. and 2. Pitched a fit because I was going to take one shot of his blue curacao...

The son in question is going to be gone for a week. Do not think there is going to be one beer left in his fridge..let me tell ya.

And I'm just about done with this treatment. I'm putting word out on the street that I am unhappy. Very unhappy.

They Call it Hick-Hop

And I love it!!!

Cowboy Troy with The Muzik Mafia has come out with a new album and a new genre of music. The name of the album is Motive. It's hot...hawwwt...I tell you.

You can hear the cd over on the website I linked ...it's worth the listen, it really is.

School Starts On Friday

Woo Hoo!!! Every year I have these visions of finally being able to get caught up with my housework and maybe have time for a coffee klatch of my own. Hahahahaha! The first year, those dreams were shattered when my oldest son walked in the door like 4 hours early because he was on a work-study program at the high school. He didn't have to be at work until later in the afternoon.

The second year, he was graduated, but my second oldest came home at noon. My dreams of all this free time evaporated in the wind. I was lucky to get a nap.

This year, however, all the children who are in school will stay there the full 8 hours. The ones who do not go to school have full time jobs that will occupy them during the daytime. So that means from 8am until 3pm, my time will be mostly my own.

I have this vision of a Martha Stewart house where everything has a place and everything is already clean. I hope this is a realistic goal, somehow I think it is. I already have a routine in place where I have all the normal stuff done by 10. I can take a nap then, get up, have lunch and pick a project area and have it done by the time the kids come home from school and it's time to do homework and supper. I am so excited!!! This is going to be the best year ever...for all of us!

Ok, I have to call bullshit on this story.

This was NOT the fault of the policemen involved and it's a horrible thing to report it that way. This particular story was a horrible, horrible accident and a tragedy.

Personally, my children know where to play and where not to play in my yard. I have several unoccupied vehicles in my backyard and they are NOT toys. My older ones when they were younger thought they might play in the van in the backyard. NOT. They were busted and impressions made upon them.

If they had turned up missing, you better believe I would have searched those vehicles..but blame the cops? You're outta your mind.

Why is it we live in a country where someone must be persecuted for every single thing? Why is there so much blame in this country? I am so sorry those little boys died. I can't see where it's a blame situation. Kids are naturally drawn to items such as that...it could have happened to a lot of people. And, to say it was the fault of the policemen who came and searched and probably died a little inside when they found out...it is most certainly not their fault.

Helen Blogmeet?

I've been hearing whisperings of this. Helen is right in my backyard so let me know what the plan is y'all and I'll try and do something special! I do have a stroganoff recipe that feeds 15 or so and is dayum good, if I do say so myself.

The Master Plan

A few years ago, I was eying the imminence of my children moving out. While putting myself back in time and remembering what it was like to move out, I decided a few things. The first thing I decided was that I didn't want to do to my children what was done to me ..told to go to college or join the Navy but get out. I had a full time job that I went to every day. I really to this day don't understand why it had to be that way.

Anyway, the next thing I remembered was how nice it would have been to at least have had a tv to while away the lonely, very lonely hours in my place. I didn't have any money to do anything else because it all went on survival. Then I devised my plan. The plan has been all along to give them the tools and stuff needed to survive on their own in an apartment, with or without roommates. So, when my eldest son graduated, we got him a tv and a vcr. He found an entertainment center to put it in. On a birthday, we got him a futon. Now he has a couch and a bed or just a couch or just a bed..whatever..it's multipurpose. For the next holiday, we got him a dorm refrigerator that holds quite a bit. Next, he's going to start getting appliances. That way, when he does move out, the housewarming gift can be like an apartment sized washer and dryer or something and he'll be all set.

The plan being when he accumulates so much stuff that it won't fit in his room anymore, then he has to move to a bigger place. We'll see how that works. So far, it's working rather nicely, believe it or not. Well, it has to work. I really wish I would have thought of this idea before I embarked upon my plan. Go read the article.

Of course, mine have never left long enough for me to come close to pulling that one off.

P.S If plan A doesn't work, then I am going to start charging rent, put it into an account until there is enough there to do all the deposits and whatnot and then, he can move out.

Vacation Aftermath

My 21 yr old son stayed here alone when we went to Texas. Yes, he had a party, duh! He was even considerate enough to call me in Texas and let me know that he was having a few people over. He has a usual crowd and I know them all. They've been here while I was here, so that's ok. Most of them are my surrogate sons anyway.

One in particular, though, was especially indignant about the way he perceived that my son had treated me. He was really mad at my son for having the party and drinking what he considered too much. I'm not really sure where his anger was coming from since he was at the party himself. Well, he was mad until I explained that I already knew about the party. And, I told him that we were going to have the drinking too much conversation next year at the same time after he turned 21 because my oldest son was sure standing in the very same spot in the garage saying the very same things this time last year. I only wish he had taken out the trash. But my son's mind works wierd so he might have figured if he left all the evidence out, then I could know for myself how much he drank and he was prepared to defend himself, I can tell. I did the numbers and they really didn't drink all that much. I do wish they had taken the trash out, though, but I'm sure that won't be a big deal.

The thing that kind of pisses me off is that there was a strange woman in my house while I was gone. How to convey to my son that I am just not going to be as receptive to unannounced female visitors to my home as I am to his male friends. It's not something wierd about what they might be doing ..the boy is 21 and a healthy male, that doesn't really bug me. It's the whole territorial thing. I don't know that I even understand the reaction right now other than I don't want a female that I don't know in my house before I've had a chance to meet her. The first time I lay eyes on this gal, she's making herself at home with the dog, makes it clear that she's been there before and then I walk out in the garage to find her sitting there by herself like she belongs, her purse and stuff all strewn about the workbench comfortably. WTF? I have this totally bitchy feeling inside and I'm just pissed now about it. And, you know, at this point in time, I just don't want to analyze it..I just want him to respect me enough to respect it when I ask it of him, but he's not going to..he's going to want an explanation for my feelings..I have always provided one to him the best I can when I have a need for him to do things differently, so I'm in a bind.

Anybody have any quick insight into this for me? Thanks.

UPDATE:

Ok, I brought the boy a beer, apologized for being rude to his friend, explained that if he's going to have a female over, please give me enough warning to change my clothes and brush my hair....explaining it's a girl thang to which he replied that none of that mattered so I had to ask him to remember the number one rule about gals (we're all a little bit nuts)? No gal is exempt. My husband backed me up with a few examples..God love him!

Leaning Tower of Toilet Paper

My house is rather cluttered. Most people have a lot of questions when they come to my house about why things are stored the way they are.

It's not because I don't have help to do it the 'right' way, it's that the help I have is very creative in it's thinking and I don't want to discourage that. Whenever I am old, I can have stuff the way I want it and it will never move. That's going to be a sad day, trust me.

Anyway, my daughter decided to put the toilet paper away. Now, it does have a place in a cabinet right behind the toilet. What I found when I walked in the bathroom is a tower of toilet paper 10 rolls high right on the back of the toilet. Her reasoning is that it should be right there where you can see it so you know when it's time to buy some more. Can't argue with that logic, right? It's not like anybody will tell you that we're GOING run out of toilet paper; they never mention it until it's the very last minute and an emergency. She wants to be able to walk in there and KNOW.

So, the toilet paper remains in a leaning tower on top of the back of the toilet. She has plenty of time to understand later why that isn't a good permanent place..like the first time we have to take the lid off the back of the toilet...but for now, let her enjoy her sense of accomplishment.