Outta Here

Shit got bad. Going back to Texas soon as we can get packed. Prayers appreciated.

Blog Parentage

So, I've been trying to talk my husband into doing a blog of his own. I mean, he's all affected by the blog world too because I do like a summary for him and print the highlights. It's like I'm a secretary too. But, then I started explaining blog parentage to him and I dunno it even sounded wierd to me that if he started a blog because I said to, then that would make me his blog mother and that just can't be. Someone ELSE has to encourage him to do the blog so they can claim blog parentage and then we don't have some kind of wierd blog incest going on. I know, one of my wierder posts, but y'all should be privy to some of the funnier thoughts I have during the day. It's only right, after all.

Childhood

I have recently had a revelation and a rather painful one. By ignoring, or erasing those things you find too painful to recollect, then you erase all the things that bring you joy, as well. There really isn't the ability to 'selectively' erase certain things. Even when you erase all the negative surrounding the good, you lose the IMPACT of the good and therefore diminish it. It becomes an incomplete story at that point. In order to fully understand something, it must be in context.

I am not able to write in context very often because there are just certain people I choose to protect. So, I don't write it. I don't really know what to do about that, to be quite honest. There are fewer and fewer people left in the world who understand who I am ..in context and who can relive those moments in safety and within a cloud of happiness because of how we learned to cope with various things.

In other news, they found out that Dad has three blocked arteries. His regular doctor had been saying all along it was his heart, but the heart specialist missed it. For like 3 years now. To say that we are pissed is an understatement and this is where depression comes from right here...being pissed at something and not being able to take action. But, Mom's pissed, too and so that's cool. Hey, she might be 80 something but she can still turn into Commando Mom in about a second, especially when someone hasn't been taking good care of hers. This is a big mistake, though. They may put a stint in and pretty much their only option is to manage it with medication. By-pass surgery just isn't an option, he'd never get up again even if he did make it through the surgery. And people wonder why I have this utter contempt for doctors. Hell, this isn't even the worst of what I've seen them do.

So, with the general mood of everyone, I decided we should have a stroganoff night. Naw, that doesn't make it go away, but it sure does make everybody feel better for just a minute or two. Those are the magic words I use to ensure the oldest one comes home, too, by the way. It's funny, really, but he's the one that told me it would work, so I tried it and sho' nuff, that boy showed up right on time. Kick ASS! Hey, when they are kind enough to let you know it works, then USE it, I say. Now I can't be doing that ALL the time, obviously, or it wouldn't work.

And, ya know that reminds me of something else entirely. Have you ever seen those men with the cell phones that ring every other minute..because it's their wives or girlfriends wanting to talk??? I mean, ALL the time. To the point that the guy will look at the phone and TURN IT OFF??? I always think to myself when I see that ...ya know, one of these days it's gonna be an emergency and that dude is going to just turn the phone off and that's really gonna suck. I hate the telephone. When I learned to hate it is an anomaly to me because as a teenager, I had one surgically attached to my ear every waking second that I was home. When they came out with call waiting, oh man..I was in heaven. Anyway, I don't ever call my husband, unless it's important. My eldest son called me yesterday to ask me to turn the FAN on in his room. He calls when he's lonely, he calls home like 3 or 4 times every day, I swear to God. That boy is almost worse than a girl when it comes to his phone. He must have a super duty battery on it or something, too. It don't matter WHO I call, though, they call me back..because honestly, I just don't call anybody unless it's important. I have a couple of people I call like once a year to chat with...and let me tell ya, any time I've needed my husband, he don't just hang the phone up..he answers it and is prepared to take care of whatever I need him to. Same with any of my kids. If I call them, then they answer. I like it like that..hahaha!

So, the rest of my day is going to be devoted to morale boosting once again. The heat is taking its toll, believe me. And no relief in sight.

Incomplete Thoughts

That's the story of my life, too. The more you have to pay attention TO, the more it's harder to pay adequate attention to any one thing. In a large family, it is a necessary survival skill to be able to multi-task efficiently and to be able to solve problems on several different levels simultaneously. That doesn't leave much time to think about what YOU as a person would like to think about. You know, have a thought or two completely your own ...it's a tradeoff.

This is the aspect of ADD that really nobody focuses on very much. It's all about balance really. The secret is to keep enough activity and brain stimulation balanced with enough quiet time or down time. It's easy to lose focus in today's world. Hell, when some of us were kids, the only channels to choose from were the 3 local stations and the 2 uhf stations. Kids today need more parental supervision than ever because hell, if you were a kid coming home would you choose to check out all the cool stuff on the internet or play the xbox rather than do homework? I know what I would choose and it sure wouldn't have been homework. They need someone to guide them through the right choices..someone to make them understand that if you do what you are supposed to, take care of the little things first, then the big things take care of themselves. The time to play comes, the ability to play comes, but only if you take care of the little stuff first.

So, as an adult with ADD, I've learned to make certain choices. I have a LOT of things to pay attention to right now. I hit the floor running at 5am with a phone call from Mom saying Dad is in the hospital again. I have several posts in my mind that have been taking up space, if you will, thoughts provoked by all the wonderful blogs I read but I have to make a conscious effort to dump them for now because I just don't have time to give them the justice they deserve. Believe me, writing this blog has shown me my potential and I get a little bummed seeing that I haven't made much progress in a year or so and coming to the realization that I'm not likely to have the time to learn what I want so I just have to muddle along as I am for now.

I've been thinking that because of the way my brain processes...slow. I am just so freaking amazed at how fast some of you think and form articulate, intelligent thoughts on a wide variety of issues. It blows me away. Anyway, I think I might start getting into history. That's just how slow my brain processes and I like to have all the pieces of the puzzle before I form an opinion. It's the analytical side to me that PREFERS to think that way. That way I can take my time and write little bits at a time, and then when I'm done, I can put it all together. I know that blogs are supposed to be more..ummm...fast paced, reactive than that, but hey..I gotta be me.

I do mourn the loss of those incomplete thoughts, those thoughts that just got axed in the big scheme of things. Sometimes, it pisses me off, it really does. But, in the big scheme of things, no way would I have been rather writing a post than watching my little people play at the park and "battle the gators" that were at the end of the slide. Watching their little imaginations at play is the BEST!

I swear to God I have had to stop writing this post like 3 different times to deal with other issues ...interruptions, distractions..LOL! It makes my point totally.

So, if y'all can live with the distracted nature of my posts, I guess I can for a little while longer, anyway. Maybe a few years, even, believe it or not. That's the sad part of the thought. But, hey, that's cool...this is a compromise, right?

I appreciate y'all that come and continue to read, though, I really do. I so hate to do things half-assed that it really does bother me when people take the time to read what I have to say..and it really isn't worth anything. Keep on truckin' is my motto, eventually with enough practice, I'll eventually get it right. I am persistant if nothing else.

Is It THAT Obvious?

A couple of people have asked me if I am ok. Well, I am severely stressed out and a little depressed...but hey, that's just part of life. Yeah, I've got a few stresses and some self imposed bullshit in my life, don't we all?

As well, I'm in unknown territory here and it does make me have to revisit certain decisions and make sure I did a good job. It's a necessary probing, if you will, it keeps one humble to stand and look at one's own inequities in the mirror. It hurts like hell, but hey, no pain, no gain.

But, ok..sure. Busy as hell, unfortunately and not nearly as organized as I need to be. It makes a difference when you cut a key player out of your team, it really does.

But, a good coach makes those necessary calls and sometimes has to revisit the plays that were made. Sometimes, you just made a bad call and you gotta live with it and deal with the results. It happens. It happens to everybody. Funny thing that we all have that same thing in common..besides being born and dying.

I am relatively certain that once I go through this process, whatever I learn, the final outcome, will be well worth the stress or whatever. It's just all stress management, really, when you get right down to it, and decision making. No big deal.

Damn, I'm Good

I'm so sorry but I'm having one of those moments. My husband SWEARS that I take too much blame and that I have an overinflated view of how much influence over the universe that I really have. I just recognize situations where my words alone can make the difference. Especially within the family. I know when someone is waiting to hear from me, when my words count.

Sept. 11. I had to put out my own inner family press conference to the kids. I had to break it down for them so they could wrap their collective minds around it and the bottom line is, if I am fine with it, they are fine with it. They take their strength from me. It's just a fact, Jack. When I tell HIM things are going to be fine, he believes me, so if my words and my attitude can make such a profound difference on him, my husband, then what makes him think that my words don't have that same effect on someone else?

So, I got a letter from my mother in law and it didn't sound so happy. But, she didn't come right out and say what was wrong. So finally, it hit me last night sometime. Texas boy doesn't want to go to college right now. Oooohhh...yeah, and we had talked about that, too. So, I knew that I had to find the healing words, the words that would take the pressure off because we really didn't have in mind for him to start college until he had established residency. There is no reason to pay out of state tuition when he's going to live there. So, I was a little obsessed with this knowing that only I had the words to relieve the pressure and my husband called me Jesusette....and in a loving way, mind you...but that was wierd. I'm not like that. I mean, that is my model and all, but I don't feel even close yet.

But, oddly enough, in my email box this morning was another note from my mother in law letting me know that they got the papers but were holding off on college for a little while. See, this is so where I'm not like Jesus, because you know I'm gonna foward that email to him with a little haha attached to it. And, I DID have the words to relieve the pressure, so there.

And, really, I'm glad. But here's the deal. I don't render an opinion until I look at it from every possible angle. I can't help it, but I have to process everything that way. But, in doing that, I am able to find the truth and when the truth is evident, there is no argument, right? I don't know, maybe I'm just wierd.

Reservations. Check.

Yep, I called and made sure that my reservations for Helen were set. There was some confusion caused in part by me. But, I am confused no more. You see originally, I was only in for Sat. night...but as it transpires, we'll be there the whole time. Hallelujah.

Something to remember, though, is that my husband and I DO have 6 kids and we are very rarely and I cannot count on one hand how many times we've been away from them all for a couple of days. Ok, I can, during the birth of 2 of my kids anyway and one Christmas vacation a long time ago. So, that means if we disappear from the party, don't come looking for us, right? We'll be back.

Y'all can feel free to raise a beer in our honor or whatever while we've disappeared (grin) ..can you say honeymoon? And trust me on this one, we know how the door locks work and we know how to ignore any pounding on our door that might occur in any kind of drunken state. We have 6 children. That actually prepares you for a lot.

I am excited and I can't wait to meet everybody!! I'm ready to do some Yellin' in Helen, fo sho! And then the next month is Talladega..hell yeah!

Hot Rods In Heaven

I might have mentioned once or twice that we are a very spiritual family. Not churchgoers, mind you, but we could be if we found the right church. Anyway, spirituality in any form is pretty much considered around here.

So, I was sitting and talking with my 16 year old son the other night, in the garage, of course. We always congregate in the garage, for some reason. That's the designated smoking area and it's just the social place, I do not know why. Anyway, ALL our major discussions take place right there, in the garage.

This night we were talking about my father. My 16 year old is named for my father. This child is mine through and through. Well, he's my husband's too, in the same ways that his kids are mine, if that makes sense? But this kid is JUST like I was at the same age. Socially awkward. It pains me sometimes, it really does, except that he's getting a clue much sooner than I ever did. There's someone who actually gives a shit about him enough to explain things to him. He's really matured in the last year or so too and his help and cheerfulness have been just invaluable to adjusting to the 18 year old being gone. This kid has mowed the lawn, did the dishes, looked after his younger sister and brother, all of that without complaint and a smile on his face. He's an incredible kid and I'm really glad to have him around. But, you know, kids like that get picked on. I did when I was growing up and he's had his fair share. He doesn't let it get him down, though. He just figures out what to do next and does it. He knows he's got support at home. His brothers are always there to back him up, as well.

This will be his first year in high school without that backup, though. Everyone else has graduated. He's been trying to prepare himself for that and I guess it's been worrying him.

So, he asked me the other night in the garage..
"Did grandpa take crap from anybody?"

I had to laugh for a second at the thought of my dad taking crap from anybody...nope. Not my dad. He didn't take shit from a soul and he didn't expect any of his to either. I had to ask why he wanted to know that, though.

And, so he says, "Ok, Mom, but you have to PROMISE not to laugh."

Of course I promised, hell.

Then he proceeds to confide that he's been having dreams about his grandfather in which his grandfather advised him to NOT be taking any shit from anybody, etc. It was wierd because I was able to finish the boy's sentences because it was stuff I heard all my life, you know? He thought he might be a bit crazy, I think. Bless his heart. I had the very same discussion with his older brother about HIS grandfather once too, only a little different. His brother really DID think he was crazy because he kept having the dream after his grandfather died. He said, "He keeps trying to talk to me..how do I make it STOP?" I said, "Well son, answer him, he's just trying to let you know he got there ok." And that was that. But, the 16 year old also said he was supposed to pass a message to me and my husband and the message being that he was real proud of us. That's good to know, it really is.

I shared a bit of the dream that I had of my father right after he died and the ensuing conversation and the boy had the nerve to LAUGH..after he made me PROMISE. (That was for him since I know he reads a lot of these missives...my number one fan.) Anyway, we were talking about what heaven looked like and he said he pestered his grandfather with a million questions and his grandfather told him that he wasn't telling, quit asking, but he would tell him one thing. There were cars in heaven. Hot rods in heaven! What a wonderful thought.

You know, this is why I love my kids so much. We can talk about ANYTHING openly. You just can't put a pricetag on a gift like that.

If At First You Don't Succeed...

You know the adage..try, try again. That's pretty much where it's been with my oldest son. Try, try again. And, ya know. That is cool. We had such a breakthrough and a meeting of minds last night, I am still riding that happiness.

It's wierd, but this time, I was able to illustrate to him how unhealthy it is for him to be as old as he is living with his parents. We have a couple of examples within the family who serve as ..well..examples of people who are not happy because of the choices they've made in life. A couple of which on both sides are still living with their parents well into their 30's. And he felt a lot better when I assured him that the door was ALWAYS open and especially open for supper and stroganoff night. He can VISIT as much as he wants...but he needs to go RULE his own roost.

Thank God. I feel so much better and so does he...and so does my husband and that's cool too.

See, now that we're getting the technique down, the last 3 are going to be a piece of cake. SOMEBODY had to go first and I guess Jim reckoned that he went first with every other crappy thing in life, someone else could move out first. He's seeing that his younger brother isn't dying from not being here, and that we don't not love him or want to hear from him or any of that. Getting to see things from a different perspective has been rather good for the guy too. We aren't kicking him out in the big bad world to survive with no support or contact from us whatsoever..geez..LOL! He can come over any time he likes..he just needs a place to store his stuff, really..haha! Naw, it was good to see the lightbulb and recognition of truth in his eyes. They can't lie to me..I always know..and they HATE that..LOL!

Cool. Back to smooth sailing again. I like it that way. That's how drama is in my life..pretty non-dramatic, actually...and I so like it like that. And, all this stuff...is just making us closer and I love that. That boy knows I got his back now and that's important for him to know, and I told him how much I appreciated him having my back, as well...and he was really glad to know I recognized it. I love to use words to heal..that's my favorite thing in the world. I hate to use words to hurt..that just sucks. But heal..oh baby...

Thursday Night Drunken Ramblings

Hey, y'all, it was one of those just really sucky days where your only recourse is to hit the bottle. Man, I cannot type when I've been drinking, but my edit function is always on, let me tell ya. One of these days, maybe y'all will get to see me perform, because trust me, for every keystroke forward, I have to take a few back. I type like I walk when I'm drunk..LOL!!

Anyway, it was a really shitty day and my husband came up with this plan for me to have a back rub and all that glorious stuff when my oldest son came home from work. My husband actually said..."Dammit, I had a PLAN." And, he did. Bless his heart, he's a dawg so it was THAT kind of plan...

Anyhoo, my oldest son came home with this big whoopdeedoo about this weight machine at work that is dirt cheap that he wants to bring home. Me, in my drunken state, said..."HEY ..ya know what you need with that new weight machine??? A brand new LIVING room." Then he went to expound upon how it folded up so neat...my response..."Fucking excellent, it will fit in any apartment you decide to rent, then." And we had the talk because he got my message. Hey I told the boy I loved him bunches and that I fucking appreciate everything he's done for me but he needs to worry about himself and trust that I got his brothers and sisters and we need to play on the same team. I mean...I mean....I mean...it would have been cool if he'd have said/....Hey, you need to make sure you talk to the other one about birth control. He came to me and I steered him straight, but hey, just keepin' ya informed. He was actually cool with that..had the good graces to blush and everything..especially since he didn't even know that I knew that and I was kind enough NOT to call him "Lambskin"...K? See, this little chicky knows how to hold HER liquor, let me tell ya. I'm about a half a fifth of Southern Comfort plus 2 shots of Jim Beam.

Anyhoo, so, he got that he's supposed to find another job and what he needs in the way of help from us in order to get one. He gets that he's been being fucked all this time and we're sick of it...and he gets that the reason we want him to move is because it just isn't healthy for him or his relationships in general. Cool. So cool..you have no idea how cool. He knows that we love him.

So much progress. I am so fucking happy, in spite of what could have been a really, really crappy day....you have no idea. No idea. Look the angels are singing in heaven right now...because he got the message. The REAL message..and that's about the natural order of things. He could not argue with me saying it was difficult to find and maintain a relationship while living under your parents roof. It just is.

I'm not happy for me, I'm happy for him..because the truth finally shined through for him and he GOT it. Now, he just has to DO it..and he will, because he's that kind of person. Progress. Hell yeah.

OMG..my 16 yr old just HAND DELIVERED me a brownie.. a perfect chocolate brownie. I am so fucking spoiled it's unbelievable.

I am living right this very second the answer to all the prayers I've sent out. That is freaky as hell. Let me tell ya. Freaky.

Later.

I AM Old

Not in years, obviously, but in experience, I guess. I get the whole baptism by fire thing. All this death and destruction lately has me thinking of my dad and his sickness.

It occured to me while I was in Texas, that the only people to have lost anyone in the family of importance and closeness is me and my mother in law, really. Some of these folks still have their grandparents and they are my age. Hell, having my son live there, making that decision, is small on the scale of decisions I have had to make for the family, trust me. And to know that it's making a DIFFERENCE, is so damn bonus. That ROCKS.

I mean, I had to move away when my dad was sick and that just sucked. If he hadn't said so, then I wouldn't have, WE wouldn't have. Every time I think about him telling my husband that, I get all choked up. Talk about the ultimate act of unselfishness.

And, to think, I had to look him in the eye and tell him to discontinue treatments and take the hospice. My contempt runs deep for my mother making me make that decision, and I get stuck, because NOW, I am grateful for the EXPERIENCE..the knowing that I have made harder decisions for the better of the family...makes the decision to encourage my son to move to Texas just be fine, you know.

There is a certain faction of the family, ..well, all of them, that are wierded out because I AM so fine with my son being there. It's rather hard to explain to them, believe me. My husband did get it when I phrased it to him that way.

But some days....I just feel old and a little bit bitter.

Over the Hump Day?

Hahaha. What a hoot. Soon, very soon, I'll be able to view it like that again. And believe you me, I am living for the day. Today, my husband is home and he and the 20 year old are doing ..guess what? Yes, working on the truck. I have limited patience or kindness with the vehicle situation anymore. I have been over it for a long time now.

Did anyone else get the gal who couldn't speak English on the phone making reservations? You know, I am not actually sure I have a reservation at all. I asked for the guy and she SWORE she could help me. I was doubtful, to be quite honest. I am still doubtful, but we'll see. It may be that I wind up just coming up Friday anyway. I think that's how it played out..not that I didn't get a reservation but that I got one for an extra day. Whatever.

Today has been one of those boring days. Not much to talk about. I cleaned out my closet..or I am in the process of cleaning out my closet. I have a lot of clothes. But, you better believe I am certainly not parting with any of them! I love all my clothes...especially the jeans though.

My son just informed me that there is only 19 days until school starts..what??? When the hell did that happen? Where have we been all summer? What have we done? Shoot, isn't summertime supposed to be FUN or something?? All work and no play makes the days go by fast...or something. We've played a little, but it's been in spurts. We work hard and then we play hard. I'd like to find a more steady pace, personally. I finished packing up my Texas boy's box and have to mail it today. Then, I have to finish cleaning his room. Man, boys just do not know how to clean. I do not know what is up with that. Their standards aren't as high as womens..but ask them about a car, any car and every single little detail on there, they can tell you about. I suppose you could use that analogy a different way, but man, I wish I had some help cleaning this place. And I don't mean picking up, either..although that would be a help. It's the dusting and the actual cleaning...ugh. I feel like Cinderella.

Speaking of which, back to the grindstone of my closet. You know, I think that's perhaps my disinterest in politics and whatnot. I haven't even figured out some of the more simple shit in life, or I am so overburdened with work right now that I do not have the brain energy it takes to think about stuff like that. I wish I did. I have the smarts, I just don't have the time. I'm too busy solving the problems of my micro-universe right here and it still isn't revolving correctly yet. In short, I'm just not qualified to comment.

Again, I digress, and perhaps one day I can apply my brain to solving the problem of maybe self cleaning closets????

Hot Summer Nights

Seems like I did this title already..but did I mention that my air conditioner is broke? Yep. Same as last year, only this year, I haven't had the time or inclination to get it fixed. I have the whole house fan and that's doing the trick pretty well. I also just absolutley hate opening up my electric bill and having a stroke every month when the air is on. So, it's been hotter than hell this summer.

Can you say siesta? Good. I knew you could! Yep. That's my solution. Every day, during the hottest part of the day, we have "quiet time". Most days, I let the kids lounge around and watch a movie. A few days of the week, they have to take an actual nap. Two hours and then they can hit it at full throttle again, and they always do. But, they have come to treasure those quiet times as much as myself. The youngest two have chosen games to play or books to read during that time and my older son either takes off for the lake or watches a movie of HIS choosing or plays a game that is more appropriate for his age group. Yes, I am selective about what the younger ones are exposed to. And the older ones are very protective of their younger siblings and don't want them exposed to it either. That is everything from music to movies and whatnot. They stay up late to watch their gory, violent movies. And you know, this has never been like an issue. It's just been natural for them to want to protect the little people. Now the oldest ones, the 22 and 20 yr old kind of balk at the rules surrounding the little people. More the 20 year old than the 22 yr old, believe it or not.

I can do this because I get up so ding danged early in the morning. I take care of all my chores in the wee hours of the morning after I get up so that the rest of the day is free and when it gets hot, I don't have a bunch of crap to do in the heat.

Anybody catch the race this weekend? Ugh. You know, Jeff Gordon SHOULD have been black flagged for rough driving and Burton should have won the race, but you just never know how they are going to call these things. Apparently probation has nothing to do with anything, it's just a word.

Looks like I'll be present in Helen. Yee Haw! Did I mention that I am spoiled rotton? Well, I am. I got Sunday off. I was tired and feeling a little ill so the guys got together and figured out some meals and let me have the day off. I did make them some sausages wrapped in dough as a snack. My husband was standing there telling me how to make these things and I kicked him out of my kitchen. He didn't leave, of course, and then he says he was just scared I was going to make the little "french woman snacks" and I had to laugh my ass off. See, the running answer when people ask me why I'm so thin is that "I eat like a french woman" and that means..I am never full and I am never hungry. I taste a little of this and a little of that...all day long, right? But I DO realize that I am living with men and I don't believe that I have ever made them go hungry..I don't know why that paranoia popped up all of a sudden. I just grinned and said, but I'm gonna make a whole buttload of french woman snacks...and he was snapped back to reality. I think it's because lately, I have cut down the amount of food I *think* Jake eats and I keep looking at it going..."Gee, I hope there's enough here." And, there has been, but I wonder if maybe I need to cook just a TAD bit more..LOL!

My Texas kid seems to be adapting to life with his grandparents pretty well. They are keeping him busy. His aunt stopped out with some goodies for him and took him on a drive to Lake Fork which he thought was cool. She says that his presence has been excellent for Dad that it's good for Dad to have something to focus on and a reason to get out of bed every day. That's kind of what I was hoping might happen, you know? I think he might be in Dallas this week visiting his cousin and then going with her to Colorado in August to visit his other cousin. His brothers are GREEN with envy but they can't really say much because this was an option that both of them had graduating from high school and they didn't take it. They are happy for him, though, on the other hand. Bless HIS little heart, he just thinks we wanted to get rid of him. I have to fix that thinking. That kid has never been more wanted by EVERYBODY than he is right now. The whole family is enjoying his presence and getting to spoil him rotton. He went from feeling nauseous to asking when his box of stuff was going to get there. We just might wind up having a big ol family reunion at Talladega this year and that's cool as hell!! My niece is coming from Denver and Jake from Texas and so hopefully Rick's sister will come too and then it will be a party.

And I get my weekends back soon. My husband is starting another job here real quick. I am EVER so happy about that!!! Hahaha and it means that I get the hot rod back, too. He's real sad about that but since we already agreed to get a better truck, his dream truck is within reach, I think he can live with it. But, yipeeeee, I get the hot rod!! We checked it out...that sucker got 30..yes 30mpg ..on the trip to Texas. Shit you not. And now when I take my trips to Texas, I can take the hot rod because I don't have to take the extra person. That's even COOLER. But the coolest part of all is getting to have weekends with my husband back again. From Friday night til Monday morning. It's been a LONG 18 months, let me tell ya.

I am so happy right now!

Shut UP, Just SHUT UP

Ever feel like just saying that when you're sitting in a room all by yourself? No? Well, then go away. If you can identify with what I'm saying, then by all means, pull up a chair and stay.

Seriously though, this is the part of mental illness that ..just isn't talked about. In my many dealings with people, there are quite a few who report auditory interferences. In severe cases, like psychosis, it is flat out auditory hallucination. Some of the milder forms of mental illness, like ADD, report only a buzz, almost like tinnitus. OCD folks have reported hearing songs in their head..a constant song in the background. It's really kind of cool when you get to pick your song for the day. It really sucks when it's something like "all I'm lookin' for is some tush".

Those folks in Texas really didn't believe me when I said I had a song for everything. I do this and I just now noticed...I bet other people knew it for a way long time before I did..but I have this habit of just bursting into song. Something will remind me of a song..and out it comes..and it's usually appropriate to the situation at hand and funny, thank GOD.

Anyway, the whole big quest for mentally ill patients is to find that 'calm' place in your brain or just get the noise gone.

And it's worse with stress, those noises get LOUDER. And then there's the cacophany of voices in your head. I sure hope everybody has them. Well, I guess I don't in a way. Only because then I wouldn't feel so abnormal and exposed right now. All of them are ME..but one of them just will not shut the hell up..ever. I mean ever. It's the running commentary about all the shit that I need to get done in there, too. My inner secretary? LOL!

Really though, with all that going on inside your head, it's really hard to focus on the outside sometimes. It just gets to be all about mememe sometimes and I hate that. I can't hear people talking to me or it just doesn't penetrate the sheer wall of noise that is in my brain. I do believe everyone has them. It's conscience a LOT. I have a very very very LOUD conscience.

The funny thing is...there is only one way to get the peace that I so desire. That is to be doing something. Action and only action can bring on the silence. I love the silence, but it scares me too. As soon as I start taking care of the running to do list the bitch is keeping in there, then she kind of shuts up for awhile.

What's really funny is that when one of my tapes is playing and I think I've been saying everything out loud or something. Like one morning, I woke up just bitchier than hell. I was ranting and raving inside my head and sitting with my husband. A couple of hours later after I beat my inner bitch back, I apologized to my husband for being such bad company. He looked at me like I had really lost my mind because I didn't say a word to him the whole time or indicate in any way that I was feeling that way, right? It was ALL in my head.

If it wasn't for that though, I would be the laziest bitch in the world, I swear to God. So, I'm not dawging my inner voices or anything..we all play on the same team most of the time. But still, damn, first thing in the morning? Can't a gal get a drink and a shower first?

I Don't Know Shit

Really. I bet y'all figured that out by now. See, success in life just depends upon what sacrifices you are willing to make. Just because someone isn't doing it your way, doesn't mean that their way is better or easier or any of that. It just means the sacrifices are different. Each person has a limit on things that they just don't feel comfortable doing.

Some people wouldn't be comfortable having as many kids as I do. It doesn't make me better or special, it just means that my loves and interests lie in a different area than someone who doesn't want kids at all. I am actually a firm believer to "Thine own self be true." If you don't feel up to the task of doing something, then you are certainly not the person to do the job, right?

So, when people ask me "How I do it" from now on..that is the answer. I honestly don't know. I am muddling along here in the dark just like the rest of the world. Taking in the same information and putting it all through my limited amount of processing and coming up with conclusions. That's what we do. We are walking computers..sort of. It's hard to interpret bad data from good data sometimes too. It all sounds so SINCERE. I mean, people in general do get passionate about what they believe in and when someone is that passionate, it's hard not to hear the element of truth in what they are saying. However, I have seen people I mean utterly and completely convinced that their way is the right way and then come to find out it just isn't...they crumble. You know, the Ashley Wilkes types.

A few years ago I was diagnosed with having OCD...and to tell ya the truth, I never believed it. More recently, I have started to believe it. It's not traditional and I think it's never manifested simply because it's never really been allowed to. But, I cannot write unless there is an appropriate amount of cigarettes and Dr. Pepper in the house, some things just have to be a certain way. God knows, I hate to get ANYTHING on my hands, they really, really love me if I take the time to make a meatloaf..LOL. But, I've just never been in a position to give in to these little quirks.

But these little quirks and irritations only pop up or are exxagerated during the pms process...(isn't EVERYTHING..does menopause cure this..oh please say it does.) Anyway, and stress will exxagerate certain things, too. My knowledge that if I incapacitated myself then I incapacitated the only person who was on my side. It's kind of wierd, but I never felt like anyone ever had my back before so learning to relax has been very hard. I'm all about business, you know? I really do not know how to have fun...like planned fun..for me fun is what you make of any given situation. Everything is fun to me.

Sex, drugs, and rock and roll? Everything in moderation for this girl. I sincerely have a hard time understanding addiction, except for cigarettes, not in a judgemental kind of way... It's just that I am such a control freak, I would never allow myself to try any addictive substance..shit I didn't need drugs to make me any more myself or whatever. I was scared of drugs and I think that innate fear is a good thing. Not like we've ever heard any HAPPY stories about cocaine and whatnot, have we??? I never really felt like I was missing anything to tell you the truth. I mean, yeah, I smoked grass sometimes...but that was where I drew my line. I could completely understand why others crossed the line, but I personally...just couldn't. Make sense?

And all it takes to make the neuroses go away is for me to be doing good somewhere..making a difference. Isn't that wierd? I have heard it said that mental illness is God's way of telling us that we are on the wrong path and the only cure is action. To learn to be proactive instead of reactive in your life. To learn the lesson of humility (that's what martial arts is all about)and learn to walk confidently through the world. It's something worth thinking about for sure.

Our consciences are loud. If you believe in a collective conscience at all, then the depression and whatnot that is so rampant among society rather makes sense. Pay attention...to what? When? There is no filter. Times are more complicated. Mental illness is the by-product of it. Did they have mental illness before? Yes, but it wasn't as irritated by society. Some things in their milder forms can be managed by managing the environment or diet and whatnot.

Sometimes it's so overwhelming you just want to "blow up the tv, throw away the paper, move to the country, buy me a home" (That one's for Rob)..seriously, though, it's true.

Our sense of family unit has gone I don't know where. I would so love to live near my in laws and have a life within a larger family there. It would be awesome, it really would. I mean, there are so many families that instead of the family rallying around them in time of need, they are way across the country and can't get there. And so on and so forth. And I'm not saying that people should stick with abusive families or any of that, but seriously, the state of the family in general has gone by the wayside. Where is that sense of unity, that protection that only comes from within a family, that sense of unconditional love..that no matter what you have messed up in your 'real' life, you can go home and be loved by every single member of the family? Does that even exist? Well, I used to ask that question and now I know that it does..and how cool is that?

Only in Texas within the family, even though I don't ever completely relax, I feel at peace..an inner calmness..a chi..that resonates like phoenix song in my heart and I know that somehow, somewhere, my soul has come home at last. I don't understand it. It doesn't matter what drama is going on or whatever, it just doesn't affect me. Maybe it's the haze of tiredness that comes over me after the second day from lack of sleep? No, just kidding. Seriously. This is a serenity, I really wish I had everywhere and I don't. But, I know where to find it when I need it, that's even more bonus.

Really, all I can do is sit back and count my blessings. Life is good.

Other Stuff

Y'all might just be sorry I decided to go ahead and open the floodgates...haha!

You know, I hurt my finger the other day. It's wierd, it really is. I woke up and it was all swollen, my left index finger..like I had smashed it or something. I don't remember smashing it. You'd think I'd have at least had one of those thoughts like..."oh, that's gonna hurt later." Nope, none of that.

And, there's a big bruise on it opposite from the side that hurts. Still makes me believe I smashed it, but I assuredly don't remember. Damn, I haven't been drinking THAT much, for crying out loud. But, that sucker is swollen and a little purple. And I haven't the foggiest idea what happened to it. It's been like this for a few days now.

My Texas son..gotta call him that now..is getting the royal treatment. He's going to a Rangers game sometime real soon and taking a trip to Colorado with one of his cousins to visit another cousin. He's going to be spoiled rotton. All those girls have been dying for years to get their hands on one of these boys. They are all in woman heaven and have his time all scheduled out, its so funny!!! Oh my and my niece was the last one to know..you know how the information chains go in families..NONE of the women like being the last one to know something. And then there is that designated last person to know something. That would usually be me..LOL...however, in this case, it happened to be the one particular niece and the person who told her was the other designated last person to know. The alternate, as it were. OUCH. I told her the news wasn't that big, lets let the other niece have her moment in the sun on this one. She agreed and peace reigns within the family.

I think the heatwave broke here in Georgia. At least my corner of it. As I type this I'm freezing my ass off in 70 degree weather and I'm telling you, my fingers are numb. I am grateful for the break in heat and to be quite honest, a hot flash would be welcomed right about now. Hot flashes just do not bother me. Hell, everybody is hot, the air conditioner is broken. And in the winter when I have them, well, that just means I don't need a coat.

I just looked at my finger..I haven't yet today, oddly enough. It is now purple. I honestly would think I would remember what I did to it. Huh.

Oh yeah, I'm such an asshole magnet. I went to the corner store the other morning to get my usual pack of cigarettes and Dr. Pepper right? Well, one of the regulars, I call him "painter dude" started making fun of my t-shirt. In a crude way he was trying to flirt, but he's just kind of creepy, k? Bleary eyed..kind of creepy. Anyway, I was wearing my Dale Earnhardt Tribute Concert with Dale Jr. on the back t-shirt. This guy is a NASCAR fan...but he was saying something about .."You got a goofy shirt there, what...we gonna watch him sit in the garage for a whole other season just to watch him win one race..blah, blah, blah"...just talkin' smack really. There was just a little too much testosterone in his voice, though, so I didn't really pay him much mind, except to just shoot him a look and say.."Yep, that's EXACTLY what I'm gonna do." At which point, he grinned and said, "It's not going to stop you from drinking a few beers is it? You really DON'T care who wins the race at all, do you?" And I said, Damn Skippy, and out the door I went. Just another conversation of many in my sheltered little world.

Well, now, the manager of that place just loves me and my husband. Any kind of little maintenance problems he has or if he wants a second opinion, he always asks my husband. And, I don't know why he likes me other than because of my husband..but he does. One time I was having a conversation with that same guy, and oh, lets call him Sammy said..Yeah, you know that guy that was just here trying to talk to you? That was HER husband, you dumbass."

So, I went in yesterday morning at a little bit later time so I wouldn't run into the same guy. I mean, he seems rather harmless and all, but he's a bit obnoxious and a little aggressive to suit me and not the person I'd like to deal with first thing in the morning. So, Sammy tells me that he told that guy never to speak to me that way ever again and that was cool..I had to grin and say thank you. THEN he tells me..."You handled that perfectly, you didn't let him make you mad...you just said you didn't care." I said, "Well, hell Sammy, I DON'T care." See, if you're gonna be a NASCAR fan, be a NASCAR fan. If you are only a fan of one driver, then you are in for a world of disappointment ...like ALL the time. You gotta love the sport as a whole. NASCAR IS a way of life.

Although, I have officially put Carl Edwards on my BOOOOOO list. BOOOOOOO!!!! I'd rather see the 24 or 48 win before Carl Edwards. That one's got the WRONG attitude. And he's too damn smart to be so damn ignorant. BOO!

I still am a little confused in my cooking. Having just one of those guys not around to feed every day makes me really have to adjust my amounts. My mother in law says that Jake doesn't eat like he's queasy..LOL!! She's noticed already how much he eats. It's kind of hard to miss, honestly. She sounds so happy and everybody seems so happy with this decision that I couldn't have asked for more. This was sincerely the answer to a prayer. I prayed as hard as I've ever prayed on this one and that was the 'revelation'. It's cool getting to watch it play out.

Oh and Dad drug Mom and Jake to the college first thing after spending til midnight getting stabilized in the hospital. What a trooper and fighter he is. I'm telling you, I love these people with all my heart. The way everyone rallies together and does their part in order to give back to the parents that have given so much. It's an honor, for sure. I feel so blessed.

Writer's Block

I was just over at Velociman's, and it struck me that I have been experiencing writer's block. But, it's not really a block, it's more like a flood of emotion that had to be dammed up for awhile.

And, now I'm afraid to open the dam because it will ALL come flowing out. And, see, that cannot happen. I am the strong one. I am the one everyone looks to to be calm, cool and collected. The answer lady.

I haven't felt right blogging about Rob because I didn't really know him. The more I hold it in, though, the more I feel..well, not right. You see, just because I didn't really know him, doesn't mean that he didn't have a profound influence on me, as well as many, many, others apparently. He made me realize just how much power women have over a man and how horrible it is to exercise that power. He made me want to cherish my husband even more because finally, I could see that my husband loves ME as much as Rob loved Jennifer. Why? I don't know, but it doesn't matter why. What matters is that I recognize it and treat him accordingly.

Rob took my "health and safety" argument with the boys and just blew that all to hell. "Wimmen are scared" Crap. And he PROVED it. I had to COMPLETELY rethink my attitudes and philosophies on the boys and my approach on issues just because of Rob. I had to ASK myself..Am I scared? Jeez, and he was RIGHT. Didn't THAT just suck. But, in all fairness, he was only partly right and he knew it. That was the funny anomaly about Rob. As much as he professed to hate women, he really did love them..as a whole.

I never saw the ugly side of Rob that a lot of people saw. He never once got 'vitriolic' with me and I like to think that I imparted a truth or two on a situation or two in the past few months. I can say with a certain amount of certainty that he read "State of Fear" on my recommendation. That's kind of a cool feeling. You know how I knew I was right? The conversation would stop, and he'd take care of a situation. He never got pissy at me for being right. I just never went public. I always figured that if I, who is just on the fringes of the loop and not really a part of it, had certain observations, then those that were the closest to him were saying the same things. I kept myself distant for a reason..so that perhaps in my silent way, I could be the voice that swayed the vote or something, I don't know.

I can say that I was a little shy of all the drama surrounding Rob and his endless women and that is a major factor in me not attending any of the more recent blogmeets. Well, that and they all coincided with Talladega weekends. I admired him because he could lay it on the line and then TAKE THE HEAT. I saw him use his blog to pick a fight just to vent those demons. Whoever rose up to take the bait, got the bite. Those posts kind of sucked but they radiated a certain amount of pain on their own.

Is there a soul out there who DIDN'T feel his pain? I doubt it. But what a FIGHTER he was. When he got back up and fought back...who DIDN'T say YAY inside just a little bit? How could you not?

You know what's the funniest? I never knew Rob was short until recently. And I remember thinking at first that I was surprised, and then laughing because it makes TOTAL sense. We were just starting to be friends when he died. Well, I got called "Darlin" in the very last email he sent me, so I guess that means something.

It was his genuine love for children that made me love Rob. Anybody who genuinely loves kids is ok.

It's not fair that he's dead. Why does he deserve to be dead? In my heart, I know he doesn't. Does that mean death is not a punishment..perhaps it's a REWARD??? It causes so many questions to be asked. Watching my father in law struggle and coming home to this news...it caused me to stop and think that perhaps there is a common thread to all that die. There is one common lesson we all learn before we die. Humility. Even Rob learned humility in the end.

Does his passing make him a saint? No. It merely makes him forgiven.

Live Like You Were Dying

I've heard that before and often wondered what it meant, exactly. I think it's more important to live like OTHER PEOPLE are dying. You never know when your words to someone are going to be the last or when it's the last time you're going to get to spend time with someone.

Being around my in laws and having had enough experiences with death in my life has really brought the lesson home to me.

And, yeah, dying sucks, but it doesn't have to suck as bad as it could. Shit, just because someone is dying doesn't mean that you can't have HAPPY memories still. Some of the funniest shit happened when my dad was sick and we were trying to maneuver him around in a wheelchair..running him into stuff and whatnot...I still laugh today thinking about it. Did it suck knowing he was dying at the time...well, yeah, but he wasn't dead that day, and that day was a good day.

My husband and his family got a kick out of me partying with Uncle Paul and Earl...(I really am going to have to explain the family dynamics someday..LOL) And they have been together as a couple for like ...ever. They are 80 something and 70 something (I did not know that) respectively, right? And sooo much fun is Earl. I couldn't keep up with a couple of old men...now that's hard core partying, right there. I didn't even really try because Rick told me HE couldn't. We had the best time, laughing and talking about everything. It was the first time. Earl asked me if I was drinking some girly drink like Mike's Hard Lemonade and I said, "Why no, sir, this here is Southern Comfort. I like it neat." And his eyes popped out of his head...and it was ON. He told Rick that he thought it was so cool that I thought everything was funny. But, everything IS funny. I laughed that night like I hadn't laughed in a very long time. I just really wish I could remember what in the hell we were talking about. I remember grabbing Uncle Paul and telling him I loved him...it just seemed important. Rick says my love shined through as well as my sincerity.

No sooner had we laid our drunk little heads on the pillow, than Mom was knocking on the door telling us that Dad was having chest pains and should she call 911. Hell yeah, call 911, dammit. And so she did and so off to the hospital they went, with Rick by her side, and me watching the phone.

And that's my point, and the WHOLE point..you never know when someone you love is just not going to be there anymore. It's not a matter of if..it's a matter of when. Death is inevitable. Love those you love with your whole heart and try to make as many good times as you can.

And, yeah, life sucks..but in the midst of the suckiness a LOT of happiness can be found ...like jewels of brightness in a sea of dark. That's what being in touch with your spiritual self does for you...it shows you those jewels of happiness.

I KNEW It

My father in law is up and around and recovered from his visit to the hospital last night. I was pretty sure of that. This dude has survived some stuff lately. He had a bleeding aneurysm a couple of years ago that put him down for a couple of weeks. His will to live is just incredible.

I figured that he just got hold of my son, so his will has even increased more. There are things he wants to teach that boy, you could see his mind just brimming with the opportunity to mold a young mind again.

He's an ornery guy for sure. I really enjoy the time we get to spend together. He was pretty talkative the whole visit and VERY engaged with the male happenings around the dock. He was just filled with pride at the job that Rick had done building it, too. And, as it was him that taught Rick how to work with wood, he should be even prouder.

But, boy is that man ever SNEAKY. He is kind of weak from Parkinson's and whatnot and his strength is often, well, unreliable. He might feel just fine going down the hill but getting back up it is another story entirely. Sometimes stuff just gives out. Anyway, so he was bound and determined to get down and be down by the dock. Which was fine...all he had to do was get someone to walk down with him. And we did but he would lie..oh my he would lie. He got into a pickle and we had to bring him up in the wheelchair and after that is when he started lying. Him and mom were playing a game, though, and I knew it...and they knew it. Other people around didn't really know it...but whatever. It was my job to walk down with him so that he wouldn't be in trouble. He, like most men, hates to be in trouble..LOL!!! And man can he work those baby blue eyes. Shoot. And those two fight like they've been married for 63 years, let me tell ya. And I think it's so damn funny. Because they fight like that but man, do NOT let Mom out of his sight..let me tell ya. He does not like it when she's not around. He just doesn't.

So, today he's feeling good and extra energetic, I guess. I'm so glad Jake is there because I know Mom is worn right out. She's figured out how much the boy eats...LOL!!! Rumor through the family has it that she said she has to brush up her cooking skills for him. LOL...see why I love her..a mother through and through. She's an excellent cook too. She's taught a whole lot of folks in the family how to cook good. She's been thrilled with having him there, although it has been a bit of an adjustment for her. He was there beside her at the hospital last night and helped her do what she needed to do to take care of Dad.

For a couple of older people, boy there is never a dull moment. And let me tell ya, if the whole family showed up tonight...we'd have a party because..we could... and there's no time like the present to really, and truly enjoy those you love.

Fourth of July Celebrations

Well, it was pretty quiet around here, all things considered. I've noticed that my definition of quiet is a little different from other people's, too.

My boys, being boys, are in love with fireworks. Even little dude. It's just cool, he says. So, against my better wishes and as anxiety ridden as they come, I allow the fireworks. Our adopted kid who joined the Marines was in town for the weekend and he and my son hung out ..drove up to SC to get some good fireworks right?

The rule in this house is that activities like that have to be designed so that nobody feels discluded. That means, in mom terms, that they have to be safe enough for the little ones to participate. Hey, they live here too.

So,that was cool until my husband and I stepped into the kitchen for just a second. I didn't figure they needed any supervision at their ages, right? Wrong. Just as soon as we fixed our drinks, I heard little dude going ow, ow, ow, ow, OW, OOOWWW, OOOOOOWWWWW...with increasing pitch and tone with every Ow. My response was "Now dammit, I KNEW this was going to happen." One of the fireworks had let loose and bounced off his neck, leaving a nice scorch mark. Nothing on the scale of what he was building it up to be, mind you, but it looked like it stung a little. We doctored him and the tears never came, and my husband told them boys to leave before the ass chewing could commence. Dammit. Those boys OUGHT to love their dad..he's saved their lives many times for stuff like that. They all know, too, that when I start any sentence with "Now, Dammit" there is a tirade fixing to come on.

While we were in Texas, my husband was telling those women of his how mean I am to them, right? Well, not really, he was just explaining how little ol' me keeps peace and harmony in the house and he was talking about how ALL of them hated to upset me or piss me off, because most of the time I am so agreeable that if I get truly pissed, whoa be it to the person who put "the LOOK" on my face. Well, at the time he was telling this story, I was upstairs rooting around for some laundry to do for him because he had nagged me just one too many times. All he had to do was carry the damn laundry down the stairs when asked for it..and his implication with his tone was that he was the only one working. Pshaw. He has no idea how much work goes on in that house with all those women. When the men are down sweating on a chore, the women are up slaving over the hot stove making sure that there is food and drink plenty so that nobody gets sick or overheated or any of that, right?

So, anyway, I was a little miffed and mumbling under my breath while gathering the laundry up. "Dammit, just who does he think he is. This is the first damn time *I've* gotten to sit down myself." Blah, blah, blah, right? So, I put the laundry where it goes and walk on out into the middle of this conversation. Apparently, I had that look because they ALL burst out laughing. They all completely understood what he was talking about then. AND they applauded me.

I got a lot of that this visit. A lot of "I don't know how you do it" kind of comments. Sincere comments that bothered me nonetheless because they put us on such a pedestal and hey, we are just as human as them and make just as many, if not more mistakes. Our life isn't perfect. We have problems with normal everyday things just like everybody else, we just don't let it BOTHER us as much, I guess. My way wouldn't work for everybody, anyway. It's my size that throws everyone, I think. They have no idea how it is all these guys respect me so much...and they are ALWAYS on their best behavior in Texas, right? Part of the reason I love them so very much, you know? When we were leaving, some neighbors stopped by and they were older folks, right? So, the lady was just ON AND ON about how I looked like a little kid. "OH MY GOD", she says.."she's so TINY, she looks like a little kid next to them, like she's one of them." It was sweet and made me laugh because like most short people, I have a pretty aggressive stance at times that makes people forget how big I am. Of course, when she said that I was standing right next to Jake, who is 6'5". That rather exxagerated the situation a little...hahaha!!!

So, after little dude got hit with the firework, the fun stopped. I keep telling them that it ain't no fun when someone gets hurt. We grilled out on that new grill all weekend long and man oh man, the food that has come off of that grill is just too yummy to even be able to begin to describe.

Various people dropped in and out over the weekend and all was cool until the phone call last night right after we went to bed. Dad went into a low and Mom couldn't get him out of it, so Dad is in the hospital. Beyond that, we don't know anything else right now. May have to go back to Texas though. Or not. It depends. That old man is pretty tough, let me tell you. He just got his grandson, I don't think he's ready to give it up just yet. But, if I just drop off, then you know where I am.

Meaning Of The Folding Of The American Flag

This was sent to me by my sea momma! It is well worth repeating. Happy 4th of July, everybody.


Have you ever noticed the honor guard pays meticulous attention to correctly folding the United States of America Flag 13 times?
You probably thought it was to symbolize the original 13 colonies, but we learn something new every day!

The 1st fold of the flag is a symbol of life.
The 2nd fold is a symbol of the belief in eternal life.
The 3rd fold is made in honor and remembrance of the veterans departing the ranks who gave a portion of their lives for the defense of the country to attain peace throughout the world.
The 4th fold represents the weaker nature, for as American citizens trusting in God, it is to Him we turn in times of peace as well as in time of war for His divine guidance.
The 5th fold is a tribute to the country, for in the words of Stephen Decatur, "Our Country, in dealing with other countries, may she always be right; but it is still our country, right or wrong."
The 6th fold is for where people's hearts lie. It is with their heart that They pledge allegiance to the flag of the United! States Of America, and the Republic for which it stands, one Nation under God, indivisible, with Liberty and Justice for all.
The 7th fold is a tribute to its Armed Forces, for it is through the Armed Forces that they protect their country and their flag against all her enemies, whether they be found within or without the boundaries of their republic.
The 8th fold is a tribute to the one who entered into the valley of the shadow of death , that we might see the light of day.
The 9th fold is a tribute to womanhood, and Mothers. For it has been through their faith, their love, loyalty and devotion that the character of the men and women who have made this country great has been molded.
The 10th fold is a tribute to the father, for he, too, has given his sons and daughters for the defense of their country since they were first born.
The 11th fold represents the lower portion of the seal of King David and King Solomon and glorifies in the Hebrews eyes, the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.
The 12th fold represents an emblem of eternity and glorifies, in the Christians eyes, God the Father, the Son and Holy Spirit.
The 13th fold, or when the flag is completely folded, the stars are uppermost reminding them of their nations motto, "In God We Trust."

After the flag is completely folded and tucked in, it takes on the appearance of a cocked hat, ever reminding us of the soldiers who served under General George Washington, and the Sailors and Marines who served under Captain John Paul Jones, who were followed by their comrades and shipmates in the Armed Forces of the United States, preserving for them the rights, privileges and freedoms they enjoy today. There are some traditions and ways of doing things that have deep meaning. In the future, you'll see flags folded and now you will know why. Share this with the children you love and all others who love what is referred to, the symbol of "Liberty and Freedom." MAY GOD PROTECT US ALWAYS. ONE NATION, UNDER GOD, WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL.

I'm back...again.

Sorry for just dropping off like that. My cable got knocked out when they came to fix the phone line so this week has been chasing one repairman after another. Had a lot of stuff to catch up on after Texas and of course, the news of Rob's death. I had to take a little hiatus and stop and see where things were and whatnot.

Doing just fine with the son having moved to Texas. It's not like I haven't been used to letting them go all these years anyway...sending them to their mom's and whatnot. So, I feel a whole hell of a lot better with him being there than a lot of other places he was considering going like Alabama to live with his mom, or Iraq. In Texas, he's going to be well cared for and the important things like love, family, and education will be enforced instead of guilt, criticism, and lies. My husband snapped out of it when I put it to him that way, too, and that's a relief.

We broke the new grill in this weekend and our marine kid stopped in to say hi. It's always good to see him and there are the normal truck repairs and friends of my eldest.

Same old, same old and it's bittersweet, in a way. Life shouldn't just go on and on and on when the force has been disrupted so completely by the loss of one we loved so very much. But, Gawd knows, I don't want to hear no "wimmen are scared" rants coming from wherever Rob is right now so trudge on we must, like good soldiers, I suppose. I always knew he knew the truth, but it still pissed me off when he said it. I knew he was laughing sometimes while he said it..did it JUST to piss us off, and it worked...but the thing is..the measure of a good writer is that they evoke emotion with their writing. That Rob did. He could make you laugh with him or cry with him or just want to beat the everloving shit out of him....just with words. That's powerful.